Wednesday, December 30, 2009

10 years later...

Assuming that these next few days go, at the least, without merit then this decade has definitely been the best decade I’ve had yet. Granted, I’ve only had two and a half decades, and the high lights of those were shitting in my pants and learning to not shit in my pants, respectively, but this one has been damn good.
Items of note:
Graduated high school
Graduated college
Invented a machine to allow cats to write blog posts
Visited Europe, and then did it again
Wrote a Pulitzer prize winning novel
Learned to drive
Got married
Let cats write most of my blog posts for this decade
Became the first black president
Moved to several new locations
Became a pretty cool adult

Happy New Decade to you and yours!

*this post was written by a cat

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Stop being an ass hat to people who don't deserve it

I should not have garnered this response from the technician who helped me out on the Bank of America live chat-

I asked him a simple, straight forward question. He gave me a simple, straight forward answer, as well as telling me (and I quote) "I request you not to worry at all" and "you need not to get disappointed, I have a best alternative for you"

and then I said - "great! thank you. That's all I need, you were very helpful. have a nice day!"

And boy was I lucky enough to not instantly close out the chat box because then he said-
"Pleasure is all mine! Thank you for your appreciation. Thank you. It was a pleasure assisting you today. Enjoy the rest of the day! Have a wonderful day! Take care and keep smiling! Wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! May the Holiday season snow joy and cheer on you! Thank you. Bye and take care of yourself! You have been so wonderful. It is a privilege to have a wonderful customer like you. Bank of America is delighted to have customers like you."

To which I ask you, American society, why are you such an ass hole? Seriously. Stop treating people like shit.

Monday, December 7, 2009

He'd never survive in the real world

Two cop cars are sitting outside of our apartment right now.

Jeff: I just bought pot from the cop.

Me: Oh yeah? How'd that work out?

Jeff: I walked up to one of them and I was like "Do you sell pot?" and he said "no, I arrest people who sell pot". Then I walked up to the other cop and said "Do you sell pot?" and he said "yes" so I said "I'll take three"

Me: Three what?

Jeff: Three marijuana

Me: dumb founded

Jeff: Marijuana is plural for marijuana, like geese.

Me: Geese is plural for goose...and anyways, what?

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

We did

When we were planning our wedding, we just wanted it to be the most fun wedding of all time. Oh, and also be beautiful. That's not too much to ask, is it?

Mustaches and flip flops for all, mad libs and crosswords in the program, a photo booth, dancing, a candy buffet and an all around amazing time.

Apparently not!

Saturday, November 28, 2009

I'm home...

but bare with me, I'm still trying to unpack -
- I've had a very long 2 weeks...

Sunday, November 8, 2009

What it sounds like to have motivational speakers as friends-

"When was the last time you did something you're really proud of? Wait, I've got an answer to this otherwise rhetorical question. The last time you challenged yourself."

-my friend Will, in an other wise totally normal conversation

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Civic Duty - Ur Doin It Right

"I Voted" stickers. Falls hottest accessories.

Friday, October 30, 2009

I have a PhD in horribleness

I was in my closet a few minutes ago picking out clothes to wear tonight and the millisecond I stepped out of the closet Jeff nailed me repeatedly with a marshmallow gun.

Thats right. A gun that shoots mini marshmallows using air pressure...I got about 50 in my face.

Jeff dropped to him knees, laughing so hard he was literally in tears and in between his tears cried out "OH MY GOD! THIS IS SO AWESOME!!"

Halloween is the greatest holiday ever.

*I will post pictures after Halloween that will make the subject line and the need for a marshmallow pellet gun make more sense. Just laugh about the fact that we've been in a marshmallow war for a few hours.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

facebook me!

I have too many facebook friends.

I'm not trying to sound conceded. Or too cool for other people but lets be honest - when you place the word "facebook" in front of the word "friend" it completely looses the validity and importance of said "friend".

For instance, here are some ways that I describe my dear friend Joanna -
My best friend
My oldest friend
My sorority sister
My brides maid

Here are ways that I could describe her but won't because they take away the validity of our relationship -
A girl I met in dance class
An old neighbor
Someone I know who lives in California
Facebook Friend

So today people, I will be doing some cleaning. It's a tricky thing though - I can't just go through and delete everyone except for people I'm still in touch with...there are some people that I don't necessarily talk to but still am interested in where their life has taken them.

Mainly, I'm deleting those people who, after a drunken night on the strip, junior year, facebooked me after we got home and we never ever spoke again. Or, the people that I friended in 2005 because I thought I knew who they were but I wasn't really sure because back then it wasn't quite as clear who was trying to contact me but it was kind of a badge of honor to have lots of facebook friends.

That should be a solid 150 people right there.

And then there are the people who I was friends with for like, a semester. We hit it off in French class, worked on a project again but every time they show up on my news feed I think "who is that person?"

Oh...and then there are those people that I totally know but just annoy me. They update their status 40 times a day. They "like" everything you do. Their constantly asking you to join their mafia groups or help feed their cows on their farms or some weird shit that I don't even understand.

But my biggest gripe...the first people that are getting deleted...are the people that "chat attack" every time I sign on to facebook. Hi. We went to high school together. We haven't spoken to each other in six years. Stop telling me about the script your writing every freakin' time I sign on to FB. You make me afraid to go on FB. I don't care if this hurts your feelings, you're about to get deleted.

You a few hours...when I've determined that I can sign back on without getting chat attacked by you.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Two Stories That Do Not Appear To Be Related But Are

Story 1 - When the seasons change I am prone to pretty killer sinus headaches that make me useless doing anything that requires the slightest head movement. It feels like my brain is rattling in my head. When this happens I have to act fast and I have two options. Benedryl or some kind of drug with Psuedophedrine in it. This is the stuff that meth is made out of.
I get jittery if I drink a Soda. This stuff makes me feel like I'm on crack. But unless I can spend my whole day sleeping then I have to pick it over the Benedryl.
It leaves me impaired. My brain jumps all over the place, I get hot and sweaty, my stomach feels weird all day, and I just don't function at the normal level that I've come accustomed too as a moderately intelligent adult.
But it's better than the sinus headaches.
This morning I got a sinus headache shortly before I had to go to work. So I took this -

Story 2 - I own deodorant and Icy Hot. They are both in a roller ball type dispensary.

Guess what I put on my arm pits after I came home from work and was feeling uncomfortable hot and sweaty?

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Charleston Ranked #2 on the Next Generation City list

According to this article, we young people are at a very interesting time. While generations before us had to determine where to live based on where they wanted to work, we now decide where to live and then get jobs.

Charleston is ranked number 2, because it's such a bad ass city.

I totally agree with this article because personally, we probably have 10 friends here who came here on vacation, or just decided they wanted to move somewhere cool and ended up here...and then got themselves a job.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Jeff and Sarah - k.i.t.

Jeff and I have been though so much together. Maybe I'm being a bit sentimental, but I just wanted to look back on some important times in our lives.

Shortly after we met. I had a steady with Donny Perkins but Jeff asked my folks if he could take me to the ice cream social. I didn't like Donny too much anyway and Jeff brought me a swell corsage that night.

Then things started changing, the whole air smelled different. Women started having options and voicing opinions, like how much dreamier her boyfriend looked with his coif instead of a buzz cut and why the bouffant was much more hip and with it then the wave. Also, we started saying "hip" and "with it". Yep, things were different all right.

And then we helped fight adversity. Can ya dig it? We were too fly to not be an interracial couple.

And then humidity came by and we lost all the fighting power in our mighty hair do's. And we started smokin' a lot of pot and couldn't be bothered with picks and hairspray, anyways. Chill out, man. We gotta like, love mother earth and stuff.


and then we went to rehab for like an entire decade. We had to kick it, and it was hard.

Jeff went back to the gonja, bro. But I was too worried about Y2K and the subtle highlights and the layers that framed my face to worry about that.

It's amazing how far we've come.

Let's Cause a Scene

Jeff and I met slightly over three years ago, as many of you know, at a concert in Jacksonville.

The band was The Format and they were phenomenal, but other wise not relative to the story.

What is relative is that at this tiny venue in Little Five Points called Fuel Coffee House, the AC was broken, the concert was sold out and it was July in Florida.

As I balanced in the passage way between the back of the joint where The Format was playing and the front where the front door was open, gasping for fresh air, I met him. This quite man who reserves his words for the people he knows well approached me. Talked to me. Had to talk to me. Had to know me.

"Who was that person?" I would ask him later on, once I found out how shy he was to strangers. "Where did the guy who talked to me at the concert come from?"

"I'm not sure" he told me "but I had to know you"

We were never strangers.

Last year The Format broke up, sad, I know. But true.

And then our friend Shannon came to Charleston a few weeks ago.

Shannon was originally just Jeff's friend, but that's only because I didn't know her yet. Shannon introduced Jeff to The Format. Shannon told Jeff to get off his butt that hot night in July and stop moping over some girl and go have a good time. Shannon is a good friend, I tell you.

When she came to visit a few weeks ago she brought us our wedding present from her.

"I tried contacting the band, but I only got an e-mail back from the person who runs the website" she told us "I asked if she could get a hold of Nate and Sam (the 2 main members of the format) and have them write you guys a note, or something. She said she couldn't. But she said she had some old poster lying around that was signed by them. I aimed high and got pretty low. I hope you don't mind"

(the poster, in all of it's awesome, framed glory, signed, however generically, by Nate and Sam)

Just the act of attempting to contact the band and get something for us is going to be hard to beat by anyone. But the poster is great. We love it.

And it may not be personally signed for us...but it's more special then Shannon realized. It's the poster from the show we met at.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Dearest Joanna and Brittany,


thank you for your consideration,


edit - It's not that I'm jealous, it's that your two blogs are two of my favorites and when that little list over there ------->> bumps you guys up to the top, there by informing me that you've got a new post, but then I just end up reading your the same thing twice. Oh, and maybe I'm a little jealous.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

I'd like to try this new sport...I believe it's called "Yogging" I think the J is silent...

Jeff has a new website for his running team. They call themselves AKap, Awesome Kick Ass Performance Training Team.

Are you a runner? Do you wish you were a runner? Do you want to be a better runner no matter what level you're at?
Jeff would LOVE to make you a comprehensive training schedule...he's really good at perfecting a running regimen that is perfect for you, your skill level and your time commitment.

Just head on over to his website and shoot him an e-mail!

some akap members at a 5k in Charleston...Jeff (the one in the middle who isn't me ((note the one in the middle without boobs if you still need help)) won this race in 16:53, Jason (orange shorts) ran 19:28, Thomas (silver shorts) ran 27:14 and I (the one with boobs) finished the race...last...(ok, so there was like 30 people in the whole race but still, I finished and my point is, Jeff can help any person at any level, holler at him)

Monday, October 5, 2009

How to make youself look like a crazy person at Target

Fill your cart with every pair of 74 cent flip flops in the store.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

She bang, she bop bop

Last night, Jeff, a few friends of ours, and myself joined the “100 Beer Club” at Mellow Mushroom. Once we drink 100 different beers (in whatever time we want to do it in – safety first, please!) We get our name on a plaque, an engraved glass mug and other fun stuff. What could be better than that, you ask? Well I'll tell you what!
We had a Sean Burgundy spotting!! (You remember this story here, right?)
I was ecstatic that other people got to see just how legitimately he looked like Will Ferrell with a sweet ‘stache. Jeff was impressed that he was wearing the exact same thing that he was wearing when he tried to fight us.
After that we went to a party on somebody’s roof in the middle of downtown Charleston. As much as I’d like to believe that my city is progressive and forward thinking…lets be honest. I live in Charleston. The guy who was throwing the party pointed out along the skyline of all the houses that have been standing since, and I quote, “The fight for southern independence”. While it was a beautiful view, it was sullied by his constant insistence that the south will rise again. Until, you know, the cops showed up. Apparently the Lynard Skynard was being blasted too loud. After that he stopped screaming about the south and started screeching about how this never would have happened if Obama wasn’t president. When I was done laughing my ass off at him Jeff and I tried to catch a cab to take us from one end of downtown where the party was to the other side, where our car was. However, Charleston does not have an over population of cabs and they’re nearly impossible to come by, so we decided to walk. An hour later we got back to our car but not before noticing that people are out and about doing very bizarre things in the 2 am hour. My favorite incident was, while winding through the very ritzy residential homes of down town a drunk guy checking out a gated house with a big for sale sign (probably for 3 million dollars, not kidding) hollered at us from across the street.
“Hey! Do you think this house has a pool?”
“Hell yeah!” I screamed back
“Should I go see?”
“Um…Hell yeah!”
“Ok…wait right there. Gimmie 5 minutes!”

I wish I knew where this guy woke up this morning. This is the stuff is made of.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

tempting varieties

Yeah, I bought these yesterday-

and yeah, I do find the fact that Bella's flavor is "creme" and it's liquidy and very white and just starts oozing out the second you bite into it a not so subtle metaphor for her love triangle. And yes, I'm not surprised that I like Jacob's peanut butter filled flavor the best because Jacob is the best.

Even though I wouldn't have eaten it, I probably would have made Bella's candy have a raspberry filling since it's the fact that shes a human with blood inside of her that's gotten her into all this trouble in the first place...not vampire semen...that doesn't get her in trouble til the 4th book...(I wont even get into why it's so retarded that having unprotected sex with a vampire doesn't turn her into a vampire, but it does get her pregnant) (um...spoiler alert.)

We're having a candy bar at our wedding and I haven't quite convinced Jeff that these candies should be included. Still working on it though...I've got two months.

Two months.

The invitations are officially in the mail.

Hows that for a transition?

Friday, September 18, 2009

18 Kids and Counting...

The Duggar family believe that children are a gift from God, but if you keep on throwing parties, isn't it the polite thing to do to include "no gifts, please!" to the bottom of your invitations?

It's just kinda rude.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Things I Love Thursdays: Comedy Television

In honor of the season premier of NBC Must See TV tonight ( they don't call it that anymore, but they should because it's still funny tv and it's still on Thursday nights) I present you with Sit Coms I love!

5) Flight of the Conchords - New Zealand 4th most popular folk comedy duo attempt to make it in America. Their bumbling antics and catchy toons are intoxicating. Season 1 is brilliant, unfortunately season 2 doesn't bring the same level of amazingness but can you really blame them? Could you write a catch and hilarious song for each episode? Didn't think so. You were good while you lasted, Brett and Jermaine
4) Californication - Inappropriate, raunchy; David Duchovny as Hank Moody acts the way that everyone of us wants to act but doesn't because we have social constrictions that keep us from saying and fucking whatever we want...but he doesn't. And the weird part? You never, ever reach a point where you don't like him. But that has more to do with David Duchovny then Hank Moody. David Duchovny, why won't you love me?
3) The Office - As far as hilarity is concerned, this show brings it big and hard. That's what she said. Also, I root for Pam and Jim like they're my best friends, and I know I'm not the only one.
2) 30 Rock - A conversation between Tracy Jordon and his Doctor, Doctor Spaceman -
"Tracy, I don't know how to say this but you have...hmm? Di-a-beet-us?"
"What? I have Diabetes?"
"Yes, and if you're not careful, you could loose your feet."
"Could I replace them with a wheel like Rosie from the Jetsons?"
"Well, I suppose so, but then you'd have to register as a motor vehicle"
1) Arrested Development - On the Sims3 you can choose several character traits for your Sims. One of the options is "Never Nude". If you don't know what that means then you need to watch Arrested Development... NOW! I don't know how many tv shows impact other wise completely unrelated pieces of pop culture, but this is the funniest show of all time. Period.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

gaydar on the fritz?

"Just because he wears nice clothes doesn't mean he's on the down low"

"um, he wore a corset to second period"


Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Current Wedding Conditions

Frustrations - High

Chance of fun - 10%

Chance of spontaneously crying - 84%

10 day forecast - Cloudy

Saturday, September 12, 2009

I might be pushing it but...

Have you seen the newest New Moon trailer? I actually think this movie might be...dare I say...good.

I'm already giving one point to Summit entertainment for getting rid of Catherine Hardwick who directed Twilight. Obviously New Moon was going to be better even if a blind monkey directed it...but seriously...check out this trailer...

I don't know why they haven't ripped it down yet, but this is what they'll be showing tomorrow night on the VMA' don't fret children. Watch it now and that way you won't have to worry if you're missing it while you're watching the season finale of True Blood.

And now, whether you care about the Twilight Saga or not - watch seriously brings the lols.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Things I Love Thursday, Jeff edition

1) He likes to do the dishes.
2) When he goes out of town, he hides notes for me - in the fridge, the shower, drawers...this one was in plane sight on his side of the bed when I got home yesterday.
3) He makes up songs about whatever it is that hes doing, all the time. Essentially narrating his life in song. Which is ironic because he claims he doesn't "get" musicals. *Since I don't have a picture of him singing I opted instead for an adorable picture of him as a boy
4) He loves me and he's going to marry me in almost 2 months!
5) When he does marry me, thanks to his sweet government job, I'll get sweet government health insurance! (Eat it, private sector!)
6) He's still so freakin' adorable I can hardly stand it.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

parking pass

In my apartment complex we don't have reserved parking, not even specific visitor parking. I've always found this to be a good sign of a complex having ample parking for everyone to park, and this is true for us here. Of course, there are some choice spots that people want to park in to get them as close to their individual apartment as possible, but it's really not an issue.

Well, except this one spot. It's a make-shift handicap spot. Essentially the apartment complex put up a sign in the grass in front of the spot so that while a particular resident is residing in said complex, he has a designated spot. He doesn't have one of the hangy tags, but an actual handicap licence plate which seems very legit. Although I really don't know what this guys handicap is.

And this guy is very serious about his parking spot. The spot itself is often questioned in its right to be a handicap spot. There is no blue paint on the ground, nor is there a ramp to the sidewalk or extra space marked off next to it for a wheelchair or other objects that would need extra room to evacuate a vehicle. So people park there, a lot. And he puts a printed up note on their windshield wipers, and he contacts the apartment management and turns in their tag numbers and has them call the owners of the vehicles (Yeah, I'm one of the people who questioned it's validity when I first moved in). It happens about once a week, I'd say.

Here's the part that erks me though; its not that this guy is handicapped, or that he gets his own parking spot (even if his spot would be the most clutch spot for me, but whatev) or that he reports cars (they never tow, so no ones gonna get into a fight over this), what really gets me is that this guy lives on the second floor. Which means every time he leaves his apartment he walks up and down a flight of stairs, but it's a huge deal to him that he has a spot that is 10 feet closer to his apartment then the one on the other side of the street. Every time he gets pissed that someone is in his handicap spot he has to walk up his stairs, get a paper, walk down his stairs, stick it on their car, and then walk up his stairs again.

I feel like I'm missing a huge element of this equation.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

College Football Flashback

College game day, circa 2006, Joanna and I finishing our strongbows at 10 am on campus so we could walk across the street and get into the bar. (Obviously they wouldn't let us into the bar with our contraband).

From facebook, Joanna writes - "it's like looking into the future -- Sarah and i will no doubt be bums in our old age, drinking Strongbow out of coozies on a street corner (wearing cashmere scarves and designer sunglasses)"

Look closely in the background and you'll see a painted wall advertising that our sorority loves our parents. I wonder how they felt about us?

And, as an added bonus - heres how that day ended up 14 hours later -


Thursday, September 3, 2009

Pardon the interuption

but "Things I Love Thursday" will not be showing up today as the thing that I had been set on for the past week to shower with affection on my blog has currently lost it's place on my list of things I want to shower with affection and I'm afraid I'm a little to clouded to come up with something else...

...oh wait, I just came up with something else...but I think I'll wait til next week!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Choose your own adventure

Dear The Public,

I was wondering if we could talk about a certain "celebrity" couple that has been infiltrating our news sources, websites and general lives and it must stop. That's right, I'm talking about (Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt/Jon & Kate Gosslin)____________. These people are so infuriating and they think we care about them. What they really, honestly can't seem to understand is that we are simply (laughing/not shocked in the slightest)______ at the train wrecks that is their lives. And we must stop them.

Take (Spencer/Jon)_____ for instance. This guy thinks that sporting (a creepy flesh colored beard/Ed Hardy Shirts to cover his gut)__________ is cool. It's not. It's (Creepy/desperate)_________. Oh, and the fact that you (push your wife's playboy issue/flaunt the fact that you have a 23 year old girlfriend)______at every opportunity that you can is also not cool. It's (desperate/creepy)______. I bet this guy was the biggest nerd in high school. And not the kind of nerd that grows up to be wealthy and interesting and surrounds himself with lots of friends and has something to offer society. No, I bet he was the kind of tool that rubbed his fingers around his pooper and then ran around making people sniff them...because he thought it was funny. This is essentially what this (douche nozzle/douche nozzle)______ is contributing to us right now, and even though we're laughing at him, he is soaking up every minute of it. We have to stop, and it's just as bad with his (wife/ex wife)_____ too.

Oh (Heidi/Kate)____, when will she realize that she is (a mouth piece/the flame that started this fire)_____ for her (obnoxious fame whore of a husband/flaming match that has been threatening to strike for years)______. Every time she does an interview attempting to defend herself from what (Anderson Cooper, Al Roaker, Joel McHale, and the rest of the world/Jon Gosslin)______ said about her she just makes it obvious that (she has no discernible talent to sustain herself otherwise/does not care about her kids as much as she claims over and over and over and over and over again)______ and that she loves the attention. Any one with half an ounce of grace would have bowed out of the spotlight and let time wash over her mess of a life. But she doesn't, she does things like appear on the cover of (Playboy/People, over and over and over and over again). At least she had some decent (plastic surgery/plastic surgery) ______ and got her self a talented (photo shop airbrusher/photo shop airbrusher)______. Remember when her reality show started? Talk about an ugly duckling. She was (like the Tori Spelling of The Hills/believable as a mother who had 8 kids under 5 and worked her ass off to get through everyday)______________. Now she (is a cyst of the ovaries of society/goes on book tours and makes frequent appearances on Larry King Live)___________________.

So what do we do? How do we stop these awful people from spreading like a rash on the underbelly of our pop culture world? Just ignore them. Because while making fun of the unbelievably ridiculous shit that they do like (quiting their reality show after one day in a dramatic, oh whoa is me type exit that included calling upon Jesus to find their way to safety/remaining on their reality show even though it's the very thread that has unraveled the entire fabric of their lives)_____________ is hilarious, it doesn't work for them. They live for attention, no matter how negative it is. So please, turn off Larry King, write Perez Hilton and tell him you want more Twilight updates and less of this shit, don't buy their magazines that they get paid millions to grace the covers on and most importantly STOP WATCHING THEIR TV SHOWS. Think of these people like little dogs that you're training. You don't want them whimpering outside of your door while you're sleeping? Well, you've tried letting them in your room but then they just whimper next to you. You've tried getting angry with them and bopping them on their nose, but then they think you're playing a game. Well try ignoring them. It'll take some time, but eventually, they'll go away.

Please society, I'm begging you. We can do this, together.

Thank you for your time,

Saturday, August 29, 2009

The number two most searched item for children ages 8 - 13 is the word "google".

I'll let you marinade in that for a minute.

Still confused? Have you tried googling it?

Thursday, August 27, 2009

never stops being funny...

Good Day,
I am MR.CHAO WEI, Bank of China (Hongkong),I have a business proposal of(US$18,600,000.00) for you from my bank.

Finally after that I shall provide you with more details.
if ineterested:

Mr Chao Wei.

Things I Love Thursday, Rainy Day edition

There is nothing I love more than a good rainy day. Having grown up in the lightning capital of the world I find rain as soothing and comforting as a mothers touch or an eclair. (I eat my feelings)

Qualifications for a good rainy day are as follows-

1) It must rain the majority of daylight hours

2) The majority of the rain must be heavy, drizzling all day doesn't count

3) It must be dark enough outside to need your lamps on inside

4) Thunder and lightning must be present

5) Your day should have little to no events planned for maximum enjoyment

Our House

When Jeff and I moved up to Charleston we decided that a one bedroom apartment in a generic apartment complex would be the best bet. We weren't familiar with the area and weren't sure when I would have a job, so one bedroom (read - cheap) was the best bet.

I was nervous because we've always lived in bigger places. Two bedroom, two bathroom...if not two bathroom then a yard and a garage. But it has surprisingly been just fine. We set up our little apartment perfectly, taking advantage of spaces and corners - it has never felt cramped or claustrophobic. There is just one problem - the garbage. Our cramped quarters mean that the living room sits right on top of the kitchen and since out cabinets are so full of plates and pots and other miscellaneous kitchen gadgets (i love kitchen gadgets, fyi) We have no where to hide out garbage can, no inconspicuous crack or corner to slide it into. No, it sits mere inches from our couch, our couch which (along with our coffee table) doubles as our dining room set. It also sits a bunny hop from our computer desk...and it smells. All the time. Sometimes it smells like rotting food, sometimes it smells like ocean water, but most of the time its the generic, overly sweet garbage smell. It has become the bane of my existence. I hate it. And aside from taking the garbage out every 10 minutes and spraying a ridiculous amount of Oust and Febreze at the same time (and sometimes bleach) I really don't know what to do about it.

There is one other thing about my apartment. I can't keep it clean. I can't keep a tiny, one bedroom apartment clean and while currently it's just a nuisance - a minor irritation - what it really does is make me think how ridiculous it will be when we have kids and live in a house. I start thinking about it and I find myself getting mad at my non existent children for the messes they have made in our imaginary house and holy shit am I such a horrible person to want to live in a clean house? It makes me feel better but it doesn't make me feel better to clean EVERY FUCKING DAY.

ok. I just cleaned the kitchen, now on to the bedroom, then bathroom, then living room, then go to work, come home and clean the floors and then clean the kitchen again after dinner.

Aw fuck.

Monday, August 24, 2009

When in Rome...

Scene: Last night at a small, 2nd story, hole in the wall hipster bar where more than one person had an ironic mustache I was bossing around a girl I barely know because it was her 21st birthday.

One such ironically clad mustache man looked just like Will Ferrel. With a mustache. Which meant he looked just like Ron Burgundy. Awesome. But he was also a hipster so it was a fair assumption that he was probably a dick. (It's in the hipster rulebook - dress and act like an ass hole)

So I sent 21st birthday over to him (After making her take many shots including a Flaming Dr. Pepper and making her drink from the tap) and told her she had to say "WILL FERREL!!! CAN I HAVE YOUR PICTURE!!" and not stop until he said yes. Why would I do that? Because maybe I'm a bit of a dick also...and man, I love a good scene. And I got me one.

So he refused and covered his face and birthday girl proceeded to essentially climb on his back and force him into a picture. Then another kid in our group screamed from across the bar "HEY MAN! IF YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE SUCH A SWEET 'STACHE, DON'T BE SELFISH! SHARE IT WITH THE WORLD!"

Before he could finish his sentence Ron Burgundy and his friend were in his face. IN IT. Screaming "WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME!!" It was so random and extreme that I couldn't figure out if they were joking or not. Jeff and I stood right in the middle of it laughing our ass off.

Ron himself looked pissed. Royally. But his friend was rubbing peoples heads and screaming "MAYBE IF YOU HAD SAID 'SEAN CAN I HAVE A PICTURE' INSTEAD OF CALLING HIM WILL FERREL HE WOULDN'T WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!" And Jeff and I laughed. and laughed. Couldn't breathe laughing. Because Sean Burgundy was still centimeters from throwing bones. And everything Will Ferrel does is funny, even if its a bar fight.

They calm down and take their seats back at the bar. So I call over 21st birthday girl and instruct her to go up to him again and say "Sean...can I buy you a beer for a picture?" (I'm always thinking about those facebook memories...we needed a picture of this guy!) He says no, covers his face and she proceeds to hike up his back again until she finally gives up.

So he gets up, points at me and beckons me over to a corner (I guess he caught on to me being the instigator) and tells me this-

"Listen - normally it wouldn't be such a big deal but right now I'm a wanted felon and I just can't risk having my picture taken. I can't tell you what I did but it wasn't anything violent"
"What did you do?" I asked
"I can't tell you, but it wasn't violent, I swear"
"Oh, ok, then I'll just go ahead and assume the worst."
"'s not like that..."
"The worst! The end!"

and then they left. We never did get that picture but damn it was one of the best things thats ever happened to me in a bar. In retrospect I probably should have told him something about getting the cops off his trail by actually making them think he's Will Ferrel but then I'm sure I'd have a black eye right now.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Things I Love Thursday being home edition

Wow. Thursdays come so fast. especially when you spend 3 days in a car. Jeff and I had a very quick trip to florida this week and I am so glad to be home. Here is a quick recap - (with awesome visuals, to boot...if you consider the following to be awesome)

1. Leave Charleston Monday night when I get off work, drive 4 hours to Jacksonville, sleep for 3 hours-ish
2. Wake up early and drive to St. Pete to meet with the wedding planner and bang out as much stuff as possible. Productive but damn exhausting.
3. Drive to Tampa to sleep at parents house.
4. Wake up early and drive back to Jacksonville. Shop for Jeff's wedding band, visit with his family.
5. Leave at night and drive back to Charleston to be back by Wednesday night.
Thursday feels good to be home.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Things I Love Thursdays, Friday edition was it Thursday yesterday already? Wowzers. That week went by fast.

1. I love that my job is so sweet and I enjoy it so much I don't count down the days until the weekend...and, um, is totally my Tuesday...

2. Joanna contributed this one - I get to say things like "TGIF!" (but sometimes I can say that if I pronounce thursday as "fursday") and boom! brought it back to Thursdays!

3. This dreamy face comes on TV to countdown the hillarity of the week.

4. Movies come out on Firdays! And today, Bandcamp came out. So? Yeah...I know...who cares? Well I do because you can catch a New Moon sneak peak. Mmm. Jacob. So beautiful, so underage.

5. Happy Hour!!!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Maybe the greatest FailBlog of all time...

fail owned pwned pictures
see more Fail Blog

Monday, August 10, 2009

Brokeback by the Bell

Friday, August 7, 2009

Something Asked

Brittany, Megan and I have started a new blog called Something Asked. It's a wedding advice blog. This isn't a place to turn for etiquette or yes and no type questions, that has been done...this is place to turn with specific questions where an honest opinion would come in handy...and maybe some humor.

So if you or someone you love is in the business of getting married, send them our way! For better or for worse, we'll tell them what we think!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Thing I Love Thursday...Opening Credits eddition

I'm starting a new weekly segment over here - "Things I love Thursday..."

and I'm kicking it off with TV Show Opening Credits that I love. The best show openers subscribe to the "show, don't tell" motto. They perk your ears at the first note, and suck you in for the whole show without giving anything away...but somehow filling you in on everything you need to know. (Also...I know this sucks but I either can't get these to embed or the embedding code has been removed...but definitely check out the links!)

So, without further adu-

5. Mad Men - This sequence is haunting. The music is "psycho" caliber creepy as we watch Don Draper fall, fall, fall, only to land on his cushy couch.

4. Big Love - Gripping and beautiful, this minute and a half of credits is so chalked full of drama that if you're not sucked in I'm just not sure theres any hope for you.

3. Weeds - Oh, the biggest problem with having an opening credit that so perfectly sums up your show is when your show changes, so must your credits...this theme has gone by the way side but it did it's job when it was needed, it did it's job well.

2. True Blood- This sequence deserves to win an award. It's sexy, its dangerous, every scene is a complete contradiction to everything else. Nothing sums up the worst parts about the South better, and nothing will make you wish you were there more.

1. Lost - This intro is so good, I can't even find a clip of it on youtube. What? That doesn't make sense? I know, but whatever. Anyone who watches Lost will tell you, the second that screen goes black and then high pitched metal starts screeching...something amazing is happening...

Sunday, August 2, 2009


I just reached for my Orbitz Bubblemint gum that I chew compulsively. I love it for its "children's tooth paste" flavor. The happy medium of yummyness for the kiddies so they'll put it in their mouths and mintyness for their parents to make an eardrum bursting, breathy scream 2 inches from your face slightly less insulting.

Imagine my surprise when I noticed the fine print under the word "Bubblemint"...artificially flavored! What! This is an unacceptable atrocity. Had I known that they weren't actually using extracts from legitimate bubblemint shrubs, but manufacturing this flavor in a laboratory, I would have never started chewing approximately 8 pieces a day*.

I'll have to check the labels on my Mint Mojito and Sangria Fresca gums, too...those might be artificial as well! It sure would help explain why I never even get a slight buzz when I chew them...

this should be a lesson to all of us. We have to read labels carefully. You think you know something...

*except for that time that Joanna was visiting me and she dared me to put all of the pieces from the 60 piece bigEpak cup in my mouth. And I dared we split it....but we did. We chewed an entire cup of gum.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

If you have any inclination that you like to write, or that you are a writer, or that you just like to read a lot (and you do because you probably have a blog, and if nothing else you're at least reading my blog) then read Julianna Baggotts guest post at

Good stuff over there.

Free at last

Do you remember this story - here? Where I tried to quit my job and my boss wouldn't let me.

I know. no one understands it. I don't understand it that much myself, to be honest. I had haggled her down to one day a week and started a new job on the other days and am so happy there...and so is, ahem, my bank account.

But obviously I didn't care what happened at the one day a week job because, you know, I DIDN'T WANT TO WORK THERE ANYMORE.

She crossed a line on Monday. She tried to get her daughter to make appointments at my other spa to see if I was actually having success there because I wouldn't come into her spa on Monday morning to give her daughter a facial. Seriously.

Oh yeah, that one day a week thing was on Fridays, not Mondays. But I wouldn't have come in on Friday to do it either.

So all day Monday I kept chanting a mantra in my head. When I was a wee teenager trying to figure out college life - including how to handle employment - a wise man told me
"Never underestimate the power of quitting your job."*, **

So I quit. No pushing me around this time. I wouldn't take no for an answer. And I didn't. And I sure do feel a lot better about Fridays now.

*This man was my employer

** If you're reading this right now, its also possible that this man was your husband. Especially if you're this person.

Monday, July 27, 2009

dont even try to tell me I have a case of the Mondays...

My one boss is encroaching on my personal space at my other job.

My toilet is overflowing.

I have a slight hangover.

I've stepped on glass 4 times this morning.

Despite spending all weekend with Jeff I don't feel like I've seen him at all. And I miss him.

People who are staying at our house argue constantly. Every word out of the ones mouth is an invitation to criticize the other one.

I've been awake just over 2 hours.

I just may hyperventilate out of my skin today.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Joanna on New Moon

how perfect is it that it comes out the weekend of your wedding
its like twilight's personal wedding gift to you


Monday, July 20, 2009

How to: Drink around the world. A story in pictures.

Begin in Canada - try the La Batt Blue. Say "Ay" a lot. A lot, a lot.

Move on to the United Kingdom. I suggest this early on in your trip to go with a nice Strongbow, but if you're feeling adventurous, give a Guinness a go. And then shove yourself in a phone booth.

France = Grand Marnier Orange slushies, berets and pastries! Zut Alors!

While in Morocco you'll come up against a peculiar occurrence where you don't quite believe that their drink options are true to the region. I hate to say it, but you'll come across it again. I mean, I don't know - daiquiris may have originated in the northern regions of Africa but I'd put my money on it being created on a cruise ship.
While in Morocco, do try the fez hats on for size but don't be afraid to explore deep into the alleys. You may find a hidden room with a certain Arabian cartoon motif painted on the walls with a certain song playing on may find a whole new world...

To find the Sake bombs in Japan you have to travel through every store (they're connected) and go to the very back cash register. (PS, You can tell we're in Japan because of the exit sign above my head) That's racial sensitivity at its finest.

*The next day at the Magic Kingdom, Brittany and I were looking at an off beat looking Mickey Mouse Plush toy. He was just a big circle with all of his features filled in. A woman who worked in the store approached us to say "I'm pretty sure the orientals made this one. I mean, they do have those round faces"

AHH!! MOTHER LAND!! Enjoy your Bud Light. Do not even dare think about ordering a Sam Adams. What the fuck is wrong with you. Sam Adams taste like shit. Tell people that. You're at the half way point so you should be feeling tipsy enough to tell strangers that. You should also be tipsy enough to confuse a puerto rican woman dressed like a revolutionary war era american with a slave.

Italy, drink wine. Duh.

Germany = drink any alcohol, duh.

When traveling around the world you may come across some no mans land. They might call themselves the Outpost. It doesn't make any sense at all. It's a waste of space and there has got to be another country that Epcot could shove in here. But the bottom line is there is no booze. Theoretically it represents the struggles it takes to get into Communist China...

...Where they also have questionable signature cocktails. I'm just saying - while on the one hand the "Canto-loopey" and "Mango Ginger-rita" sound authentic, on the other hand they dont at all. To make up for it, become dictator of all your friends. Make them feel oppressed.

Norway! Be a viking. Rape and Pillage. You're so damn close. You are a viking. Get that one Norwegian beer they have. By this point you wont care what it taste like. Just go! Go! Go! Get to that finish line!


You should look roughly like this when you're done:

And what did you do this weekend?

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Wedding Porn

When you're getting married and planning a wedding, looking at pictures of other people's wedding is like porn.
Maybe you're a little interested in whats new out there, want to try something else out? You're just gonna go on to peruse the web for a minute, right?

3 hours later. You're still looking at porn wedding websites. It feels wrong. It's not even enjoyable after a while because all you can think is i can't physically put my body in that position my wedding will never be that magical, or that position or that creative and original, that position would hurt me emotionally or oh my god I'm doing it all wrong!!!
You want to stop. You do, but there is so much to look at. There are so many ideas that you haven't discovered yet. And your check list. Nothings getting checked off. And you're not sure if delegated things are getting done. Oh yeah, and you're planning a wedding 2 states away. And oh my god you're almost at the 4 month mark. 4 FREAKIN' MONTHS. There is no way is hell you're ready. 4 months is practically next week and would you be ready if your wedding were next week?
Hell no.

And then you stumble across really disturbing pictures like these and these and start panicking. I mean, what if your cake falls prey to the same fate? And then you start to think "who fucking cares? it's a cake?" and then you answer yourself "I care! I care!" and then you realize you're talking to yourself.

Stop looking at wedding website. All it does is portray unrealistic images of women and puts unattainable fantasies in your head. It's not real. They're just actors. They're getting paid to take it up the butt wear wedding dresses and curl their bodies in really stupid looking poses.

The "you" in this situation is me.

Happy Birthday Breeny!

Dearest Breeny,
for this birthday post I searched far and wide for the perfect picture, but I came to a shocking conclusion that every picture of us contains some combonation of the following - us with our mouths wide open, borderline porn, way way way too drunk and incredibly nerdy. So instead of posting a classy picture, I'm posting my favorite picture.

Bonus! Find Joanna in the picture and you win a prize!
Spring Break Cruise Circa 2007 After spending all day in Mexico