Friday, January 30, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Several years ago my mema died after a long struggle with emphysema. My papa had cared for her dearly during those very hard last years. When she died it was too hard for him to be in the house that reminded him so much of her pain, so he built himself a much smaller version of the house they lived in just a few lots down on the same street.
Now my papa is in his final moments and has been moved from his house into a nursing home. My parents were in Georgia this past week caring for him when my mom decided to go over to his house and try to find some things that belonged to my mema that I might be able to wear in the wedding.
As she started opening each drawer in my papas bedroom, hoping to find her mother-in-laws things stashed somewhere amongst his she realized that half of the dresser, the closet, the clothing bureau's, were still dedicated to my mema. Her clothes folded up neatly inside.
"If she came back", my mother said "it would be as if she never left. She wouldn't have to look for a thing".
My mom sat on the floor of my papa's bedroom and cried like a little baby for thirty minutes before she finally opened the bottom drawer and found a box with three pair of her fanciest gloves from her youth and a rhinestone choker that matches my dress perfectly.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Joanna: ugh, i wish you wre down the street from me
Joanna: i wish we had a secret portal
Joanna: secret portal sounds like a butthole
Joanna: in which case, we do!
not because i have anything funny or clever or interesting to say. But let me try...i wrote a few jokes.
Q: What do you get when the biggest douche bag in the entire world has essentially kidnapped your computer and now that you've written a better business bureau complaint against him wont give it back to you unless you retract your complaint?
A: an update on my computer situation...and also, black mail.
So a stupid cunt with the listening comprehension skills of a brick wall walks into a class room full of students who are graduating in 11 days and begins demanding that they are all short at least 90 hours to graduate and even though she doesn't know this class at all or anything about these people she begins declaring that they are all irresponsible and should have been kicked out of the school along time ago. Everyone of them. Even though it's not even kinda true. It never occurs to her that maybe there was a computer glitch with the time clock.
haven't figured out the punch line on that one yet.
but thats ok because I have a punch line with out a joke -
this weekend they gave my grandfather, the one who plays guitar in a band every Saturday night and gardens and takes long walks, 3 to 6 months to live and put him in hospice.
this thread that i'm grasping is unraveling quickly.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Joanna - you can sleep in the other guest room. The one that doesn't have the biscuit themed bathroom.
While reading my facebook wall to wall between myself and Joanna dating all the way back to 2005 (by the way, this is highly recommended - I laughed till I cried) I stumbled across this little gem:
Joanna th, 2007
oh yeah, and not to dash your dreams, but a showerhead that rains biscuits into the bathtub is one of the worst ideas ive ever heard. though the thought of that many biscuits is enticing...still. terrible.
Write on Joanna's Wall - Delete
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
My mom has this computer guy.
Ok, that should be the end of the story, but it's not.
So back in October this douche bag was at our house doing something to my moms computer, being highly unprofessional and creepy and not leaving our house when he should have when he gets to wondering about my computer. The conversation went a little something like this.
"What kind of computer do you have?"
"Leave my fucking computer alone."
"But I'm a douche"
"Don't even think about going in my room"
"But I think I'm the greatest piece of fat to ever walk the earth because I know a lot about computers! Hear me! Listen to me brag about computers!"
"Stay the fuck out of my room"
Later that night
"Mom, where is my computer?"
"Douche Bag MaGee took it."
Now, if you'll allow me to pull a New Moon reference here...
After calling him several times, leaving several voice mails and talking to his secretary only once, my computer finally arrives yesterday while I was out. It's January, in case you're wondering.
He told my mom when he dropped it off that there was absolutely nothing that could be done to it. Oh, here's a thought...BECAUSE THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH IT IN THE FIRST PLACE YOU FUCK.
It's old. yeah. It's got too many files on it, sure. That's it. No corrupted hard drive or viruses or anything like that.
Then I see the itemized invoice this guy left. 95 bucks to run a diagnostic test on my computer...which I'm gonna assume he did yesterday morning once he finally remembered that he had my computer...and then 95 dollars to deliver it to my house.
He dropped the computer next to my bed. He didn't even plug it in yet thinks its acceptable to charge 100 bucks? Also, he brought his 2 and 3 year olds with him and let them run like banshees all over the house while he fucked around on my moms computer. Shouldn't he have paid my mom for babysitting?
I was too pissed and tired to even look at my computer last night so tonight I went to go plug my computer back in and rekindle with it. Maybe share a cup of tea, talk about old times, laugh and cry, maybe play the Sims.
Ready for the kicker, kids?
IT'S NOT MY FUCKING COMPUTER.
COMPUTER PROBLEMS? CALL US FOR ANYTHING!!! SUPERTECH ON-SITE (813)989-0039
Monday, January 5, 2009
Why it won't take long before I kill him Reason 83, or, How I met my match in witty smart assyness...
Thursday, January 1, 2009
- Learn how to kill a man in one move
- Become the 5th, and most successful member of the Beatles
- Invent a shower head that pours out biscuits instead of water
- Invent a sink that flows with jelly and honey instead of water
- Travel back in time and make millions betting on sports games and become a hero by saving people from crimes and disasters
- Party like its 1999...or...2009
happy new years, yo.