Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Choose your own adventure

Dear The Public,

I was wondering if we could talk about a certain "celebrity" couple that has been infiltrating our news sources, websites and general lives and it must stop. That's right, I'm talking about (Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt/Jon & Kate Gosslin)____________. These people are so infuriating and they think we care about them. What they really, honestly can't seem to understand is that we are simply (laughing/not shocked in the slightest)______ at the train wrecks that is their lives. And we must stop them.

Take (Spencer/Jon)_____ for instance. This guy thinks that sporting (a creepy flesh colored beard/Ed Hardy Shirts to cover his gut)__________ is cool. It's not. It's (Creepy/desperate)_________. Oh, and the fact that you (push your wife's playboy issue/flaunt the fact that you have a 23 year old girlfriend)______at every opportunity that you can is also not cool. It's (desperate/creepy)______. I bet this guy was the biggest nerd in high school. And not the kind of nerd that grows up to be wealthy and interesting and surrounds himself with lots of friends and has something to offer society. No, I bet he was the kind of tool that rubbed his fingers around his pooper and then ran around making people sniff them...because he thought it was funny. This is essentially what this (douche nozzle/douche nozzle)______ is contributing to us right now, and even though we're laughing at him, he is soaking up every minute of it. We have to stop, and it's just as bad with his (wife/ex wife)_____ too.

Oh (Heidi/Kate)____, when will she realize that she is (a mouth piece/the flame that started this fire)_____ for her (obnoxious fame whore of a husband/flaming match that has been threatening to strike for years)______. Every time she does an interview attempting to defend herself from what (Anderson Cooper, Al Roaker, Joel McHale, and the rest of the world/Jon Gosslin)______ said about her she just makes it obvious that (she has no discernible talent to sustain herself otherwise/does not care about her kids as much as she claims over and over and over and over and over again)______ and that she loves the attention. Any one with half an ounce of grace would have bowed out of the spotlight and let time wash over her mess of a life. But she doesn't, she does things like appear on the cover of (Playboy/People, over and over and over and over again). At least she had some decent (plastic surgery/plastic surgery) ______ and got her self a talented (photo shop airbrusher/photo shop airbrusher)______. Remember when her reality show started? Talk about an ugly duckling. She was (like the Tori Spelling of The Hills/believable as a mother who had 8 kids under 5 and worked her ass off to get through everyday)______________. Now she (is a cyst of the ovaries of society/goes on book tours and makes frequent appearances on Larry King Live)___________________.

So what do we do? How do we stop these awful people from spreading like a rash on the underbelly of our pop culture world? Just ignore them. Because while making fun of the unbelievably ridiculous shit that they do like (quiting their reality show after one day in a dramatic, oh whoa is me type exit that included calling upon Jesus to find their way to safety/remaining on their reality show even though it's the very thread that has unraveled the entire fabric of their lives)_____________ is hilarious, it doesn't work for them. They live for attention, no matter how negative it is. So please, turn off Larry King, write Perez Hilton and tell him you want more Twilight updates and less of this shit, don't buy their magazines that they get paid millions to grace the covers on and most importantly STOP WATCHING THEIR TV SHOWS. Think of these people like little dogs that you're training. You don't want them whimpering outside of your door while you're sleeping? Well, you've tried letting them in your room but then they just whimper next to you. You've tried getting angry with them and bopping them on their nose, but then they think you're playing a game. Well try ignoring them. It'll take some time, but eventually, they'll go away.

Please society, I'm begging you. We can do this, together.

Thank you for your time,


Robyn said...

Oh. My. Awesomeness. That was very clever. I love it. Hilarious.

Vanessa said...

I LOVE this post! GREAT idea! You are so good at coming up with the creativeness.

Breeny said...

OMG... this is amazing.