Monday, December 29, 2008

Things that help

Calling your best friend and telling her you need her to come over, and with out the slightest hesitation she agrees.

Her dropping everything to come over and then, knowing you so well, can tell by the look on your face that you just want her to sit next to you for a long while until you feel like talking.

Once you finally realize that you want to talk and you want to leave the house, the first order of business must be showering - so she sits in the bathroom and talks to you while you shower.

sacrificing her entire day to stay your my side.

Your fiance giving you sound advice by singing songs from a musical.

oh yeah, and watching veronica mars and playing rock band with great great friends.

thank you.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Burned Out doesn't even begin to cover it

You never know it's coming, that's part of its evil attack mechanism. If you knew that depression was coming you could do something to stop it, preventative measures.

But when you can't make it go away - when depression stops being a nuisance in your life and your days actually start molding around it, adapting to it, you've let the creature find a warm comfortable home to leach off of, that's when you're in trouble.

So you try your best to keep face, you stay as busy as possible, like you're running running running away from it. If you stop for one minute then it will catch you. That's easy to do when you have so much stuff to do you can't afford to stop and breathe.

Or maybe it just feels that way. Maybe that's part of the monsters plan. To overwhelm you until you can't take it anymore and you snap and let it consume you completely.

You can't let that happen so don't stop running running running away from it.

You wonder how you're gonna handle life when bad things, actual bad things, happen to you - you know that this is a cake walk right now and you can't even keep this shit together. Bank accounts, bills, money money money money. Your brain doesn't grasp those concepts. What a cop out.

"I don't get it"

oh shut the fuck up and figure it out.

"I've tried"

everyone else in the world can handle balancing their check books and paying bills on time and returning peoples phone calls and opening letters instead of just putting them on your dresser and not opening them and not opening them and not opening them for weeks in hopes that whatever they say - whatever at all - good or bad - will just be non existent if the letter remains closed.

You go to the funeral of an old friend and here it is, your opportunity to really let it out, to put your sadness into something concrete, and you stare blankly, you sit like a statue in the back of the church. It's the first time in weeks that you aren't crying because you're so numb you can't. You run out of the church as soon as the service is over so you can avoid all of the people you know that at one point not so long ago you would be thrilled to see under any circumstance, even such a sad occasion.

you're drowning and you really need it to be February already. or you really want to be a little kid again. or something.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Why it won't take long before I kill him Reason 697

Reading from a book in which they give an astrological prediction for every single birthday-

"Hey! Jeff! It says that people born on January 2nd are best suited for love with a cancer! I'm a cancer!"
"Yes you are. You'll always be the cancer of my life."

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

What kinds of games do reindeer play, anyway?

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen? Comet? And Cupid? and Donner and Blitzen?

Aren't they just the biggest bunch of insecure ass holes you've ever heard of in your life? I mean, they're almost as bad as Heathers or the Plastics. I bet they did a lot of fucked up stuff to Rudolph just because he was different from them, a lot of stuff that never made it in the song.

So they torture this guy, and then as soon as Santa comes into play and decides that Rudolph serves a really good purpose (come on fucktards, don't you think he hired Ruddy in the first place for a reason??) then all of a sudden you just lllloooovvvveeeee hiiimmm?

Do you know how transparent you are? I'm not saying you should keep hating him, but really..."then how the reindeer loved him"? "and they shouted out with glee"?!?! Good God, you guys can't think for yourselves at all, can you? Most people don't go from hating someone to wanting to have them as their best man in one fucking verse of a two versed song.

I bet the only reason why you started picking on him in the first place was because Vixen made advances on him and Ruddy wasn't interested in sloppy eighths, so she got everyone else to hate him, too.

Vixens always starting shit.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

"Damn you Martin Luther King! You're messin' up my flow!"

-Brittany, on how MLK jr is hindering her ability to find a date to her very formal work function

Biggy Biggy Biggy, can't you see?

your friends are out of their fucking minds.

you'd think with the billions of dollars he has, he would spring for some decent production value.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Why I love him Reason 4356

While in the middle of a very severe breakdown the other day, Jeff suggested this comforting advice with both sincerity and seriousness-

"Why don't you go to the mall and sit on Santas lap? It would help, I'm sure."

Thanks for continually gluing me back together.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Road Rage

Alright kid-o's, we have go to get in sync here. Listen to me, when that quitin' bell rings we all want the same thing - an icy cold beer - but also, we all want to get home as fast as fucking possible but we are seriously not doing a good job at it, so lets establish some guidelines, shall we? Lets call them Rush Hour Rules of the Road:

The Rush Hour Rules of the Road:
1) If you do not need to be on any major highways, interstates, expressways, turnpikes or any other areas of heavy traffic between the hours of 4:30 and 6:30 DON'T.
2) If you have never been on a particular major highway, interstate, expressway, turnpike, or any other areas of heavy traffic DON'T TRY TO FIND YOUR WAY BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 4:30 AND 6:30.

If rules one or two apply to you, please stay home and discontinue reading. However, if you do not qualify for the above, continue on.

3) Breaks are not the only option for slowing down. Try taking your foot off the gas. This is highly effective and doesn't make the car behind you slam on his breaks causing the car behind him to slam on his breaks causing the car behind his to slam on his breaks. Look, unless you need to come to a sudden stop, or slow down drastically - DON'T TOUCH YOUR FUCKING BREAKS ON THE INTERSTATE YOU FUCKING ASS HOLES.

4) Don't drive past 50 cars waiting to get off at a particular exit so you can cut in front of them where the exit ventures from the road. First of all, why do you think you're so entitled? and 2nd of all, when you have to come to a complete stop to wait for traffic to move in the lane you want to cut in to...guess what happens to all the cars behind you? They all have to come to a complete stop behind you. There are enough of you dick wads on the road to block up entire lanes of traffic in trying to lane cut which means people block up the next lane of traffic to lane cut. WAIT YOUR TURN LIKE EVERYONE ELSE YOU IMPATIENT ASSHOLE

5) Drive at least the speed limit. I know that wording sounds wrong, what with "limit" implying that you shouldn't go beyond that, but listen to me 84 year old dude in the 1994 Oldsmobile cutlas, if you are not comfortable driving 75 miles an hour then retire already, or, see above if rules one and two apply.

6) Don't drive in the left lane, this is for passing. You know when you're driving along going 55 miles an hour in the left lane and it seems like every single car is coming behind you, getting right on your ass and the swerving around you while flicking you off? That's because every single car is doing that to you. If you're in the left lane and someone is coming up faster behind you, you get over BECAUSE THE LEFT LANE IS FOR PASSING YOU IGNORANT ASS HOLES. Yeah, I'm still talking to you old dude in the Olds'.

7) Oh my god, a car, on the side of the road, its not moving. DON'T SLOW DOWN TO LOOK AT IT.


9) Hang up the phone. Just, put it down. Look man, I'm all for some cell phone drive time chat but not during rush hour traffic.

All it takes is one person to do one stupid thing and everyone else get backed up. Lets all do our part. Follow these rules and we'll all be happier.

Oh yeah, and if you could also not do the following:

Have your car break down
Get into a car accident

It would be appreciated.

Thank you,

Monday, December 1, 2008

i'm a materialistic whore!

my reward for thoroughly studying for my excretory test, writing three pathologies papers and cleaning my room?


good thing the shops never actually close on Cyber Monday.