Sunday, April 27, 2008

mommies make the world go round!

My mom just left after spending the weekend in Jacksonville with us. She brought her wonderdog, Commander Puddles. These two creatures have an insane obsession with each other and today, when my mom started packing her suitcase to leave, this dog became terrified. The, fear, we assume, is that she thought my mom was going to leave her at my house. She shook with her tail between her legs for like an hour and wouldn't leave my mom's suitcase. She's a smart dog, ya know. I guess she figured that if she didn't get off of the suitcase, then she wouldn't be forgotten.

Can't you see the fear in her eyes?

Other good highlights of the weekend:

Going to the Jacksonville Zoo and Gardens Moderately Landscaped Pathways.

Seriously? This is no spring garden festival!

Jax Irish Fest

with some joyous dancing

and some feet boxing.

Not so good highlights:
Having to make an emergency trip to walgreens at 4am this morning because apparently, abruptly stopping the activia challenge seems to have some...ahem...negative side effects as well.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Be cool my babies.

Everyone has their personal favorite Simpson's quotes. Mine are the following:

Homer: (To the tune of the Flintstones theme song) "Homer! Homer Simpson! He's the greatest guy in history! From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree! D'OH!"

Millhouse: This is like Speed 2! Only on a bus instead of a boat!!

Some guy: Max Power? That's a great name!
Homer: Thanks, I got it from a blow dryer.

Homer: What are you kids laughing at? If you say Jimmy Fallon, I'll know you're lying!


That last quote is the real reason we're here today, ladies and gentleman. It proves two points. The Simpsons are hilarious and Jimmy Fallon is a talentless hack who has managed to gain popularity at shit.

Oh, remember that one sketch on Saturday Night Live where someone other than Jimmy Fallon did something funny and then Jimmy Fallon started laughing because he lacks complete professionalism as a comedian. He also lacks any comedic skills as a comedian, but he's kinda cute and plays the guitar and vaguely reminds us of Adam Sandler? Remember that one?

Well, when Conan takes over for Leno, Fallon is taking Conan's slot! Who approved this? Who thinks Jimmy Fallon is funny? I don't. Homer don't. Joanna Don't.

That's enough people right there to declare this a total outrage to late night television, and entertainment in general. I really want to know, did the people who hired him watch Weekend News Update when he was the host? Maybe they were confused about who was who and made this deal thinking that they were hiring Tina Fey. It's a common mistake.
Or maybe they saw that really funny box office movie that he's been in since retiring from, wait...

Ok, enough Jimmy Fallon bashing for one day. My mommy is coming!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

number 2

Have y'all taken the Activia Challenge, yet?

I have, and every morning when I reach into my refrigerator for a little carton of yogurt, my colon quivers like a well trained Pavlovian dog.

Just something for you to think about today.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

The Anti-Craving

I don't keep a lot of junk food in my house because I lack self control. Usually when I want something like brownies and cookies, I make myself bake them from scratch. That way I know I really want them if I go through that effort. Then once they're made, they last for about 2 days before I demolish whatever is sitting saran-wrapped on my kitchen table because if I don't eat them they taunt me and tease me and never let me forget they're there. Self con-what?

For the past 2 days there has been cheese cake in my fridge, breyers vanilla bean ice cream (my favorite) in my freezer, Hershey's chocolate syrup, whip cream and a giant bag of Reese's peanut butter cups.
Do you understand the endless possibilities of sugary, chocolaty, fatty goodness right at my fingertips?
I haven't touched them.

Good for me, you might be thinking, because, really I don't want them at all.
So why are they still haunting me? WHY? I keep thinking to myself, "Break up those Reese's, mix them in the ice cream! You love that!" "Pour some chocolate syrup on the cheese cake! It's so delicious!" I know this food is yummy, but I'm just so uninterested in them.
It's freaking me out that I don't want them, and I'm obsessing over the food in the same way I would if I were trying not to eat them...only...I don't want to eat them! What the hell, man?! What the hell?!

Thursday, April 17, 2008


When George Clooney selects a movie to star in, direct, or both, one can be confident that this movie will most likely be quality. His comedies are witty, his dramas are daring and his action flicks are suspenseful. Most importantly though, they're always fun.
Leatherheads was fun. At least, it started out fun. It started off with charming characters, witty retort and fantastic imagery; the way one might imagine the 1920's actually looked. Slightly sienna tented and all. What you have are three great characters- Duke (Clooney); an old, struggling professional football player (before that was anything to be proud of), Lexie (Zellweger); a big city reporter looking for her scoop, and Carter (Krasinski); a war hero/college football superstar with endless possibilities. Duke wants Carter to become a professional football player to make the game more popular. Lexi wants to prove that Carter is not the war hero that everyone claims he is so she become assistant editor of her newspaper.
The three main characters are amazingly doll and entertaining. George Clooney is, well, handsome and charismatic and always a smooth talker. Which he does so well. John Krasinski is of course adorable and lovable and heartwarming just like he is on the Office. Not that this is a bad thing, they both play these characters well.
The real stand out here is Rene Zellwigger. She makes Lexi Littleton a strong, opinionated and clever woman who tackles the men in the movie and scores the points that really make this movie worth watching. (Did ya like those football references? Did ya?) When a man compliments her dress she tell him how boring that compliment is, and in turn, how boring he must be for not being able to come up with anything more interesting to say to her. What a breath of fresh air from your standard pretty faces in movies where a blush and a thank you would have passed as interesting character development.
But what elements of the game didn't go over so well? (More football references!) The writing. Not the dialogue, which was on point for the entire movie, but the story itself. There were some scenes in the movie which seemed almost too ridiculous for even cartoons. Most notably, the scene in which a speak-easy is raided and so, in an escape attempt Dodge and Lexi knock out some police officers by slamming a door in their face, trade outfits with the cops and then run in circles around a swimming pool until other cops show up. I promise you, its as goofy and ill fitted for the rest of the movie as it sounds.
The ending is anti-climactic to say the least. Actually, as I think back on the movie, some pretty interesting things happen at the very end. These interesting things, however, are caught at the bottom of a long, boring, 10 yard line dog pile (Last football reference, I promise.) and are muted by close ups that linger too long, slow motion football passes that don't get cut soon enough and the obligatory fans gasping in the stands in anticipation for. that. one. final. oh my god. he's gonna do it. this will change everything. nothing will ever be the same for the entire game of football. i mean it. the rest of the world will never think of football the same ever again. play.
See how that went on too long? I rest my case.
So how was Leatherheads? Fun? Sure. Witty? Absolutely! Charming? Definitely. Boring? Sorta. Forgettable? Um...what movie are we talking about?


Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Knock, Knock

Who's there?

People on my roof.



Monday, April 14, 2008

Old people are the greatest...

While leaving my papa's house up in the mountains of north Georgia, after a raucous weekend of blue grass music is dilapidated barns, accidentally flashing the next door neighbors, and most importantly, celebrating my papa's 80th birthday, he said;

"Well, you guys come back whenever you can. I've only got 20 more years."

"Really? Whys that?"

"It's part of my plan. Live to be 100 only to be killed by a jealous husband."

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Summer time...

Well, it's official. I have my first sunburn of the season. I know, I know. Skin cancer, and I'm ruining my skin and I should know better. Heard it all before. Boring. Plus, I don't need to hear from you about what a dumb ass I am. My skin is reminding me with every step I take in my blue jeans and every twist in my under wire bra.

I didn't do it on purpose, though. Let me explain. I have been working non stop for the past 6 days. Working doubles at a busy restaurant is absolutely exhausting, but I'm just gonna leave it at that because I refuse for this to turn into a blog about my job waiting on tables. Boring.
Today was my day off which I was looking forward to sleeping in and then being extremely productive after I was well rested and recovered. Except at 8 am when I sat straight up and ran outside with the first sharp thing I could find (a pair of scissors). See, I thought someone was trying to break into my house because I heard someone on my roof. I run outside and look up to find a man standing above my kitchen, talking on his cell phone.

"Oh, did I wake you up?"

I stared at him blankly for 10 seconds and then went back in side.

My row of townhouses is getting re roofed. It's exactly 6:17pm outside and they're still on top of my townhouse banging away. This may not be such a shock if WE HAD BEEN GIVEN ANY KIND OF NOTICE ABOUT THIS WHAT SO EVER.

When I realized that I wasn't going to go back to sleep with people hammering shit to my roof I went to the club house, bitched at the maintenance guy for not giving us any warning, made him feel bad about the fact that I'm terribly sleep deprived and then fell asleep at the pool. Hence, the sun burn. Did I mention its only on the top part of my body? Ha, what a dumb ass.

These roofing people are supposedly gonna be here for a few more days but here's the good news. I won't be! Jeff and I are going to Georgia for my Papa's 80th birthday, but we're leaving first thing tomorrow morning and are going to stop off in Savannah for some get away time including a haunted pub tour.

Monday, April 7, 2008

And Voila!

Thanks to Erin, I was able to find a web site that supplies a ton of free blog templates and I found this one and am in love.

Seriously, whats not to love? Lip People. Some of those lip people with mustaches on top of their lip heads, slipping on jelly fish. Some of those lip people kidnapping babies. Probably for their heads. Ropes, or vines, or wires, or tree roots fighting to takeback the kidnapped babies and return them to their parents. Oh yeah, and bulldozers. Did I mention bulldozers?

Maybe I'm looking too hard into it, but I freakin' love it. And the colors are so pretty.

I promise I'll write a real post soon.

ps. this template is called Crazy Town...which, I mean, obviously. Bulldozers.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

link link link

I updated my blog links for the first time since I started this thing. I figured it was time to give a little shout out to the blogs that I reload 1,000 times a day waiting desperately for you to post something new...come on...throw me a freakin' bone.

Anyways, check them out. If you read my blog and your link isn't over to the right, comment on my blog. I mean seriously, throw me a freakin' bone.

Look, I really don't know why I've said that twice already. Its shaping up to be a strange day.

I want to change the layout of my page...oh yeah, and the colors, but I'd really like to not use a blogger template, but I don't know html. Any thoughts?

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Analyze this.

I had the weirdest dream last night.

First off, I was in "Malibu", but you know how things are in your dreams. You know what place its supposed to be but it isn't actually. Anyways, so I loved this place, I was telling everyone how I wanted to move to Malibu because it was so fantastic, but then something not so fantastic happened...a tomato bounced up to me. And then tried to bite me.

Of course because its my dream I instantly knew what had evil master cat was turning every cat in the entire world into killer tomatoes! And honestly, I think some random people that I know were also getting turned into killer tomatoes, but the main population was cats.

But see, no one would help me or had any problem with this at all. I'm panicking trying to leave Malibu by bike (?!) but the people I came with (on the same bike) (?!) won't leave because they're having such a blast despite the fact that there are killer tomatoes. Because the truth of the matter was, they were still the size of normal tomatoes just with a vicious appetite for death, so, they were easy to not get killed by them but DOESN'T ANY ONE ELSE SEE THAT THIS NEEDS TO STOP???

So first I find the master cat and discover that there is actually two. A gigantic white cat and a gigantic black cat, so I put them on top of each other and sit on them, sort of trying to kill them but really not being able to bring myself to kill cats...even ones that are turning every other cat into killer tomatoes. So I lock them in a bathroom but it doesn't matter, the damage is done. The killer tomatoes are turning more and more cats. Like vampires, really.

Then I meet a man who has come up with a way to jet ski off of a ramp and hold up a net and try to catch as many killer tomatoes as possible. So now the only guy who also has a problem with the little killer veggie/fruit felines is a total idiot. There are so many things wrong with this hair brained solution.

But as I'm giving this guy a chance my family shows up to try to talk me out of stopping the killer tomatoes. WTF?! At this point, people are having to lock themselves indoors because there are so many tomatoes chomping away at your ankles that they pile about 3 feet high. But just so we're clear here, death toll is still zero. These killer tomatoes are really awful at their life mission. And also, people still don't want to stop them.

So I'm locked in this room with a bunch of people and I tell them all I'm going to call my parents but I get up and call animal control because apparently they were completely unaware of the problem.

And then, they fixed it.

So, I go out side with Jeff and my next door neighbor, Jodi, and we're going to get in a giant ass pickup truck that I've never driven in my life, but both Jeff and Jodi get in the back seat so I say "Oh, I'll drive, ok!" I jump into the passengers seat and am so high up I can't reach down to close the doors. That's when Whoopi Goldberg jumps out from behind the bed of the truck, scares the shit out of me and closes the doors. So now we're off. I'm having a really hard time driving this massive thing, but mainly because it doesn't have gas pedals, but bike pedals and this is a huge ass truck.

That's when Party Like a Rock Star starts playing on the radio and I start "driving" up the steepest steep that people aren't making it to the top, they're actually sliding back down before they get to the top and I'm trying to pedal a pick up truck up it? But I made it to the top and then I woke up.

I was awake for an hour before it dawned on me how fucked up this dream was.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

never gonna let you down...

"Local Man Arrested for Offering Bagels Hanging From His Erection to Strangers"