It's not how you are, but how old you feel. And I feel like a bitter old man.

I look much younger than I am. I'm sure this will come in handy when I'm 30 trying to pass as a 14 year old, but until I have that desire, I've got to say...it really pisses me off.

For instance, when I was 20 and flying to Paris by myself. The woman asked me if I wanted my mom to get a special pass so she could walk me through the terminal. I politely reminded the woman that in order to be accompanied by your parent, you must be under the age of 17. She just smiled and said "yes, that's right".

Then there was last Christmas when I was purchasing new make up. I asked the woman who had been helping me for the last 20 minutes for something in particular and she looked at me strangely and said "wow, that's not something a lot of teenagers ask me for". I informed her that I was legally old enough to drink and she was taken back. This one seemed even more insulting because we had actually been engaged in a conversation for almost half an hour and she still thought I was in high school.

But yesterday, oh, yesterday. I went to the library to get myself a Duval County Library Card. First, I go to the information desk to ask where I get a card. The kind woman informs me that I apply at the check out counter, but hands me the form to go ahead and fill out before I get up there. And a pencil. I double check with her if it's ok that I fill this form out with a pencil, since, you know, erasers and official documents don't go together so well. But I mean, who's trying to get a fake library card? She assures me that it's totally fine.

So I fill it out.

Now, let me explain something. Up until this point, the two most insulting, mistaken for a child moments, listed above, I had been wearing t-shirts, blue jeans and no make up. So, it wasn't entirely their fault. But I went to the library immediately after leaving work. On a day in which I was interviewing people and felt the need to look particularly nice. I was wearing heels, a really nice pair of dress pants, a beautiful silk blouse, a sweater, a full face of make up, my hair was blown out. The only way I could have looked less like a teenager is if I had a gray wig and maybe painted on some sun spots.

So, I walk up to the check up counter and a plump woman, who I'm gonna go ahead and guess has never been mistaken for younger than she is, has the following conversation with me:

Little Ol' Me: "Hi, I'd like to apply for a card."
Fat Bitch: "Oh! Have you ever had a library card before?"
Little Ol' Me: Feeling like a really stupid question has just been asked: "um, yeah."
Fat Bitch: "Well great! Is your mom around? Because she's going to need to fill out the bottom of this form."
L.O.M.: "I'm an adult, so I'm pretty sure it's ok that I filled it out myself."
F.B.: "Oh! Excuse me! I mean, how do you tell a 17 year old from an 18 year old?"
Pretty Fucking Angry L.O.M.: "I'm 22."

She then presides to check the date on my drivers licence before she gasps and says "oh my! you are!" Because, you know, I'd lie about my age to get a library card. Again with the forgery.

She then states that, oh, look, you filled this form out in pencil. In which I tell her that the other woman instructed me to.

This is when Fat Bitch leans over the counter and in the most condescending voice anyone has ever spoken to me, says "Hooonnnneeeeyyyy, you should nnneeevvvveeerrrr sign your name with a pencil."

*Since she went ahead and took the liberty of leaning in towards me, I grabbed her shirt collar and pulled her half way over the counter. I put my face really close to hers and said, in an almost whisper, "Thank you for that wonderful piece of wisdom. You see, I've gotten so far in my life. Graduated college, signed contracts, filled out forms, but I never quite felt like I knew what I was doing. BUT NOW THAT I KNOW NOT TO SIGN MY NAME WITH A FUCKING PENCIL, IT'S ALL MAKING SENSE NOW!"

An then I took off running while she threatened to call the cops for assult. But clearly I got away cuz I'm a bad ass.

Dont fuck with me bitches. especially you fat bitches.




*It stopped being true at this point.