I'm a pretty pony, clipity clop!

I got me a new bike!!

Well, it's used, but it's new to me. It's old, but I don't know how old. I want to say that it's an old bike in really good condition, but it's probably just a few years old made to look like a classic.

It's a sweet little cherry red beach cruiser with wide handlebars and petal breaks! Wee! Handle bar breaks are for suckers who switch their petaling direction to either make their bike go or make their bike not go. Me? Well when I switch my petaling direction I can make my bike switch from go to STOP!

I haven't decided on a name. Before I got her I was thinking I would name her Pretty Pony Jr., after my college bike that I bought from Toys R' Us and didn't love so much (er, let me rephrase, didn't love the hills of tallahassee so much) and let rot on a bike rack in front of salley hall, but I don't know. She is pretty, and does gallop like a pony, but she's also too cool to be named after a bike I rode three times and then sent out to graze in the perverbial pastor (where all pretty ponies are sent when deemed "not as cool as expected").

Next door neighbor immediately started calling her Shelia, but that one really doesn't do it for me.



What do you think?

Name me!!

No, I haven't ridden her yet. Why? Because I had to go to Target and watch TV, duh.

No Oscar Predictions for Old Sarah

Wow. I was way off.

But I got most of the major ones right; best picture, best screenplay, best adapted screen play, best actor, best suporting actor.


and then I got 2 more correct.


Thats right, 7 correct out of 24. I'm loosing my touch.

My Oscar Predictions

Bold is who I think should win.

Italic is who I think will win.

Sometimes though, I think my opinion and the academys opinion will be the same.

also note, I don't have an opinion on every category, but I will still predict the winner because, well, its fun.
Let the games begin!

**********************


Performance by an actor in a leading role

George Clooney in “Michael Clayton” (Warner Bros.)

Daniel Day-Lewis in “There Will Be Blood” (Paramount Vantage and Miramax)

Johnny Depp in “Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street” (DreamWorks and Warner Bros., Distributed by DreamWorks/Paramount)

Tommy Lee Jones in “In the Valley of Elah” (Warner Independent)

Viggo Mortensen in “Eastern Promises” (Focus Features)



Performance by an actor in a supporting role

Casey Affleck in “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford” (Warner Bros.)

Javier Bardem in “No Country for Old Men” (Miramax and Paramount Vantage)

Philip Seymour Hoffman in “Charlie Wilson’s War”

Hal Holbrook in “Into the Wild” (Paramount Vantage and River Road Entertainment)

Tom Wilkinson in “Michael Clayton” (Warner Bros.)



Performance by an actress in a leading role

Cate Blanchett in “Elizabeth: The Golden Age” (Universal)

Julie Christie in “Away from Her” (Lionsgate)

Marion Cotillard in “La Vie en Rose” (Picturehouse)

Laura Linney in “The Savages” (Fox Searchlight)

Ellen Page in “Juno” (Fox Searchlight)



Performance by an actress in a supporting role

Cate Blanchett in “I’m Not There” (The Weinstein Company)

Ruby Dee in “American Gangster” (Universal)

Saoirse Ronan in “Atonement” (Focus Features)

Amy Ryan in “Gone Baby Gone” (Miramax)

Tilda Swinton in “Michael Clayton” (Warner Bros.)



Best animated feature film of the year

“Persepolis” (Sony Pictures Classics) Marjane Satrapi and Vincent Paronnaud

“Ratatouille” (Walt Disney) Brad Bird

“Surf's Up” (Sony Pictures Releasing) Ash Brannon and Chris Buck



Achievement in art direction

“American Gangster” (Universal)Art Direction: Arthur MaxSet Decoration: Beth A. Rubino

“Atonement” (Focus Features)Art Direction: Sarah GreenwoodSet Decoration: Katie Spencer

“The Golden Compass” (New Line in association with Ingenious Film Partners)Art Direction: Dennis GassnerSet Decoration: Anna Pinnock

“Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street” (DreamWorks and Warner Bros., Distributed by DreamWorks/Paramount)Art Direction: Dante FerrettiSet Decoration: Francesca Lo Schiavo

“There Will Be Blood” (Paramount Vantage and Miramax)Art Direction: Jack FiskSet Decoration: Jim Erickson



Achievement in cinematography

“The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford” (Warner Bros.) Roger Deakins

“Atonement” (Focus Features) Seamus McGarvey

“The Diving Bell and the Butterfly” (Miramax/Pathé Renn) Janusz Kaminski

“No Country for Old Men” (Miramax and Paramount Vantage) Roger Deakins

“There Will Be Blood” (Paramount Vantage and Miramax) Robert Elswit



Achievement in costume design

“Across the Universe” (Sony Pictures Releasing) Albert Wolsky

“Atonement” (Focus Features) Jacqueline Durran

“Elizabeth: The Golden Age” (Universal) Alexandra Byrne

“La Vie en Rose” (Picturehouse) Marit Allen

“Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street” (DreamWorks and Warner Bros., Distributed by DreamWorks/Paramount) Colleen Atwood



Achievement in directing

“The Diving Bell and the Butterfly” (Miramax/Pathé Renn) Julian Schnabel

“Juno” (Fox Searchlight) Jason Reitman

“Michael Clayton” (Warner Bros.) Tony Gilroy

“No Country for Old Men” (Miramax and Paramount Vantage) Joel Coen and Ethan Coen

“There Will Be Blood” (Paramount Vantage and Miramax) Paul Thomas Anderson



Best documentary feature

“No End in Sight” (Magnolia Pictures)A Representational Pictures ProductionCharles Ferguson and Audrey Marrs

“Operation Homecoming: Writing the Wartime Experience” (The Documentary Group)A Documentary Group Production Richard E. Robbins

“Sicko” (Lionsgate and The Weinstein Company)A Dog Eat Dog Films ProductionMichael Moore and Meghan O’Hara

“Taxi to the Dark Side” (THINKFilm)An X-Ray ProductionAlex Gibney and Eva Orner

“War/Dance” (THINKFilm)A Shine Global and Fine Films ProductionAndrea Nix Fine and Sean Fine


Best documentary short subject

“Freeheld”A Lieutenant Films ProductionCynthia Wade and Vanessa Roth

“La Corona (The Crown)”A Runaway Films and Vega Films ProductionAmanda Micheli and Isabel Vega

“Salim Baba”A Ropa Vieja Films and Paradox Smoke ProductionTim Sternberg and Francisco Bello

“Sari’s Mother” (Cinema Guild)A Daylight Factory ProductionJames Longley

Achievement in film editing

“The Bourne Ultimatum” (Universal) Christopher Rouse

“The Diving Bell and the Butterfly” (Miramax/Pathé Renn) Juliette Welfling

“Into the Wild” (Paramount Vantage and River Road Entertainment) Jay Cassidy

“No Country for Old Men” (Miramax and Paramount Vantage) Roderick Jaynes

“There Will Be Blood” (Paramount Vantage and Miramax) Dylan Tichenor


Best foreign language film of the year

“Beaufort” A Metro Communications, Movie Plus ProductionIsrael

“The Counterfeiters” An Aichholzer Filmproduktion, Magnolia Filmproduktion ProductionAustria

“Katyń” An Akson Studio Production Poland

“Mongol” A Eurasia Film ProductionKazakhstan

“12” A Three T ProductionRussia



Achievement in makeup

“La Vie en Rose” (Picturehouse) Didier Lavergne and Jan Archibald

“Norbit” (DreamWorks, Distributed by Paramount) Rick Baker and Kazuhiro Tsuji

“Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End” (Walt Disney) Ve Neill and Martin Samuel



Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original score)

“Atonement” (Focus Features) Dario Marianelli

“The Kite Runner” (DreamWorks, Sidney Kimmel Entertainment and Participant Productions, Distributed by Paramount Classics) Alberto Iglesias

“Michael Clayton” (Warner Bros.) James Newton Howard

“Ratatouille” (Walt Disney) Michael Giacchino

“3:10 to Yuma” (Lionsgate) Marco Beltrami



Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original song)

*Let me just say that I don't think I can choose my favorite from this category. If You've ever seen Once or Enchanted then you know why...all of them are amazing but I think the award will go to...

“Falling Slowly” from “Once”(Fox Searchlight)Music and Lyric by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova

“Happy Working Song” from “Enchanted”(Walt Disney) Music by Alan MenkenLyric by Stephen Schwartz

“Raise It Up” from “August Rush”(Warner Bros.)Music and lyric by Jamal Joseph, Charles Mack and Tevin Thomas

“So Close” from “Enchanted”(Walt Disney)Music by Alan MenkenLyric by Stephen Schwartz

“That’s How You Know” from “Enchanted”(Walt Disney)Music by Alan MenkenLyric by Stephen Schwartz



Best motion picture of the year

“Atonement” (Focus Features) A Working Title Production Tim Bevan, Eric Fellner and Paul Webster, Producers

“Juno” (Fox Searchlight)A Mandate Pictures/Mr. Mudd ProductionLianne Halfon, Mason Novick and Russell Smith, Producers

“Michael Clayton” (Warner Bros.)A Clayton Productions, LLC ProductionSydney Pollack, Jennifer Fox and Kerry Orent, Producers

“No Country for Old Men” (Miramax and Paramount Vantage)A Scott Rudin/Mike Zoss ProductionScott Rudin, Ethan Coen and Joel Coen, Producers

“There Will Be Blood” (Paramount Vantage and Miramax)A JoAnne Sellar/Ghoulardi Film Company ProductionJoAnne Sellar, Paul Thomas Anderson and Daniel Lupi, Producers



Best animated short film

“I Met the Walrus” A Kids & Explosions Production Josh Raskin

“Madame Tutli-Putli” (National Film Board of Canada)A National Film Board of Canada ProductionChris Lavis and Maciek Szczerbowski

“Même les Pigeons Vont au Paradis (Even Pigeons Go to Heaven)” (Premium Films)A BUF Compagnie ProductionSamuel Tourneux and Simon Vanesse

“My Love (Moya Lyubov)” (Channel One Russia)A Dago-Film Studio, Channel One Russia and Dentsu Tec ProductionAlexander Petrov

“Peter & the Wolf” (BreakThru Films)A BreakThru Films/Se-ma-for Studios ProductionSuzie Templeton and Hugh Welchman



Best live action short film

“At Night”A Zentropa Entertainments 10 ProductionChristian E. Christiansen and Louise Vesth

“Il Supplente (The Substitute)” (Sky Cinema Italia)A Frame by Frame Italia ProductionAndrea Jublin

“Le Mozart des Pickpockets (The Mozart of Pickpockets)” (Premium Films)A Karé Production Philippe Pollet-Villard

“Tanghi Argentini” (Premium Films)An Another Dimension of an Idea ProductionGuido Thys and Anja Daelemans

“The Tonto Woman” A Knucklehead, Little Mo and Rose Hackney Barber ProductionDaniel Barber and Matthew Brown



Achievement in sound editing

“The Bourne Ultimatum” (Universal)Karen Baker Landers and Per Hallberg

“No Country for Old Men” (Miramax and Paramount Vantage)Skip Lievsay

“Ratatouille” (Walt Disney) Randy Thom and Michael Silvers

“There Will Be Blood” (Paramount Vantage and Miramax)Christopher Scarabosio and Matthew Wood

“Transformers” (DreamWorks and Paramount in association with Hasbro)Ethan Van der Ryn and Mike Hopkins



Achievement in sound mixing

“The Bourne Ultimatum” (Universal)Scott Millan, David Parker and Kirk Francis

“No Country for Old Men” (Miramax and Paramount Vantage)Skip Lievsay, Craig Berkey, Greg Orloff and Peter Kurland

“Ratatouille” (Walt Disney)Randy Thom, Michael Semanick and Doc Kane

“3:10 to Yuma” (Lionsgate)Paul Massey, David Giammarco and Jim Stuebe

“Transformers” (DreamWorks and Paramount in association with Hasbro) Kevin O’Connell, Greg P. Russell and Peter J. Devlin



Achievement in visual effects

“The Golden Compass” (New Line in association with Ingenious Film Partners)Michael Fink, Bill Westenhofer, Ben Morris and Trevor Wood

“Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End” (Walt Disney)John Knoll, Hal Hickel, Charles Gibson and John Frazier

“Transformers” (DreamWorks and Paramount in association with Hasbro)Scott Farrar, Scott Benza, Russell Earl and John Frazier



Adapted screenplay

“Atonement” (Focus Features)Screenplay by Christopher Hampton

“Away from Her” (Lionsgate)Written by Sarah Polley

“The Diving Bell and the Butterfly” (Miramax/Pathé Renn)Screenplay by Ronald Harwood

“No Country for Old Men” (Miramax and Paramount Vantage)Written for the screen by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen

“There Will Be Blood” (Paramount Vantage and Miramax)Written for the screen by Paul Thomas Anderson



Original screenplay

“Juno” (Fox Searchlight)Written by Diablo Cody

“Lars and the Real Girl” (MGM) Written by Nancy Oliver

“Michael Clayton” (Warner Bros.)Written by Tony Gilroy

“Ratatouille” (Walt Disney)Screenplay by Brad BirdStory by Jan Pinkava, Jim Capobianco, Brad Bird

“The Savages” (Fox Searchlight) Written by Tamara Jenkins

The single handed, most rediculous, and slightly blasfamous, conversation of all time.

What it sounds like to be Sarah and Amanda, discussing the vast secrets of Lost and religion:







Amanda: so I just ruined Lost for my friend who lent me season 1

Sarah: oh yeah, how did you do that?

Amanda: i said that Aaron is jesus and Locke is god

Sarah: oh, they hadn't figured that out yet?

Amanda: not the brightest crayon in the box

Amanda: he got the religious connotations

Amanda: but wasnt clear on them

Sarah: well, now he understands. i'm the virgin mary, btw.

Sarah: and you're the camel in the manger

Amanda: why am I the camel

Amanda: and you are NO virgin

Sarah: because you store water

Sarah: in your back

Sarah: duh

Amanda: so that would make u the inn keeper

Sarah: why?

Amanda: becuase youre the mean one who hate virgins and prego people

Amanda: and wont share

Sarah: i do hate virgins. thats a fact.

Sarah: but i ate baby jesusaaron for breakfast. I shared him with walt who is obviously the little drummer boy

Amanda: see, a virgin hating non-virgin cant be a virgin

Amanda: walt is obvisouly the drummer boy, but a canabal at heart

Amanda: ohh what trickery the bible has played on us

Sarah: yeah.

Sarah: indeed.

Sarah: when aaron grows up he turns into sayeed cuz, i mean, jesus is middle eastern

Amanda: f that, Im becoming a pagen again, ALL HAIL ZUSE!

Amanda: wow, how does that happen, arron turnig into sayeed, ohh because of the island to real world time difference

Sarah: exactly. aaron leaves the island, grows up, turns middle eastern, (ie, me and walt eat him then he gets pooped out) then returns as an adult but doesn't know that its him because its a little white baby

Amanda: yeah, thats why all middle easterns are brown,. they were shat out by you back in the biblical days when u turned down mary

Sarah: I EAT BABIES!

Sarah: have you ever seen dogma?

Amanda: yes

Sarah: that movie is all about religion and they have a shit monster!

Amanda: they do!!!!

Amanda: see,. its all in the bible

Amanda: they just re woreded it so ppl would take jesusarron side and not youre

Amanda: its all a scam

Amanda: that Sawyer taught claire

Sarah: whatever man, i dont care. im not gonna hate on them. lost is bringing the truth out


**************


Amanda: wait wait

Amanda: since me and you are always enemies in every story we make up

Amanda: and youre the anit christ that ate jesus

Amanda: that would make me GOD!

Amanda: b/c clearly Im not the camel

Sarah: but...but...

Sarah: does that make you...locke?

Amanda: soon sarah, the anit christ, we will battle

Amanda: i am god, i can take any form

Sarah: the holy trinity? the father, amanda and the holy locke?

Amanda: thats IT

Sarah: hold on though. walt comes back as a ghost figment type being...and also a lot taller and more grown up...so maybe the trinity is "locke, amanda and the holy walt"

Sarah: taller ghost walt

Amanda: no, b/c walt eat jesus

Amanda: he cant eat himself

Amanda: that would make walt jesus

Amanda: and arron something else

Sarah: but walt is the holy ghost

Sarah: taller holy ghost walt

Amanda: but they are all the same thing me, lock and the ghost, so are we saying that jesus isnt even part of the holy trinity that he said he ws to be part of

Amanda: we just cracked the foundation of religion

Sarah: holy crap! where does aaron fit into the equation?!?! there isn't enough spots! its like musical chairs

Amanda: maybe arron is a decoy

Sarah: i just instantly pictured one of those cpr babies

Sarah: and you kinda shaking it as a visual going "decoy! decoy!"

Amanda: aaron is the anti christ

Amanda: its your spawn

Amanda: and he betrays you

Amanda: so u eat him

Amanda: to teach him a lesson

Amanda: i hear the digestive track can be very painful

Sarah: and then poop out sayeed

Amanda: and thatys why sayeed is so bad ass, i mean you have to be to survive the small instestine

Sarah: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Sarah: i have to put this convo, slighly edited for content, in my blog

Amanda: please do it, i dont want proof of this convo to disapear into the void that is the information super highway never to be retrived again

Sarah: mary and david walked along the information super highway before
giving birth to aaron. Which means we're back to where we started. Jesus = aaron.

Amanda: Ah ha. We've come full circle!

Know what I like about being sick?

Someday you'll end up in Ohio.

Back in the F.L.A. after what I was told was a week but only felt like a few hours. I guess time really does fly when you're having fun! But people, I say this with the utmost honesty, it was only fun for me and Amanda. I flew all the way to Ohio to basically play Mario Kart, smoke pot, watch flight of the conchords and go out at night. See, I didn't eactly go to Ohio, I went to Amanda. We acted as if we still lived in the same, small college town with little to no responsibilites and it was fabulous. Plus I got to see snow, lots of it. (Ok, not that much, but the ground was completely white 70% of the time).

(This could potentially be gross, so, heads up)
The cold did something terrible to my skin, though. Just awful. Has your skin ever been so damaged that it physically hurts? My skin, which is generally nurished by the moist warm air that I have become acustomed to in my 22 years, now looks diseased. First it started scaling, then the scales actually cracked and when the cold dry air decided that it hadn't inflicted enough damage on me, the skin on my legs started scabbing up. Oh, and did I mention I had quite a lovely tan before I left? Because now I'm just splotchy from where half of the taned skin has come off.



I was gonna post a picture of amanda and me frolicking in the snow but every once and a while my camera decides to be a little bitch and not load on to my computer.

She's got a ticket to ride...

To all of my loyal and dedicated readers,
To Vanessa,

I will be gone for a week in OHIO!!! WOOO!! To see my best friend in the entire world, Amanda!!! WOOO!!

Hopefully it will snow and stick and I'll make a snowman, but I have a feeling it wont.

But regardless, I'll see you fools (but seriously, I'm only certain that Vanessa reads my blog on a normal basis since she's the only one who ever comments) next Tuesday.

I'm out, suckas!!

to wash or not to wash...

On a sunday afternoon when you are going to run errands just for the sake of leaving the house, which is worse:

A: Not showering for 3 days and going out in public

or

B: Going out in public with wet hair and no make up because you just showered for the first time in 3 days but dont feel like taking it any farther than that.

Usually, I go with B, but it has dawned on me recently (seriously) that I'm the only person who goes to the grocery store with wet hair. It's taken like 6 years, but I'm kind of becoming self concious about it. But, because I'm lazy, I'm going with A.

thoughts?

How to Make Croissants; a story in pictures

To make croissants, first you must put it in your head that despite the fact that you have never made any type of bread before, you will execute this 16 hour task and make the greatest croissants ever known to man.
While it's not necessary, an inflated sense of self really comes in handy.

To begin, you will need the following items:

Despite the fact that the recipe calls for mixing the ingredients with a standing mixer using the dough hook attachment, use a hand mixer with beaters because...well...that’s what you own.

When ingredients have turned into dough, lightly dust dough with flour, pick it up and pack it into a nice firm ball and transfer it into a bowl where it will rise and double in size after about two hours.

Despite the fact that your concoction is less of a dough and more of a batter, transfer it into a bowl and let sit for two hours where it will do absolutely nothing. (Don't forget to dust with flour)

Drop that mixture down the drain. Call a real adult. Ask to borrow their stand up mixer. Start again.

Watch cluelesly as the ingredients stay batter like despite using the dough hook.

Think to yourself, "well, it certainly isn't getting any worse", and add more ingredients at will. Remember, baking isn't so much a science as it is an art form. Also remember, keep adding more flour. Then more yeast. Then more milk, and so on and so on.

Drop that mixture down the drain as well.

Mull over what a miserable failure you are for a few days before having the realization that perhaps it was the fact that you used skim milk.

Start again.

Watch for the third time as the ingredients spin round and round to form an ooey gooey sticky least-dough-like liquid esque mixture you've ever seen.

Drop that mixture down the drain, too.

This last step is extremely important and if not executed correctly could ruin the entire ordeal:

Bake oatmeal-banana chocolate chip cookie instead.

The ties that bind

My best friend from high school is getting married and I wasn't invited to the wedding.
This isn't entirely shocking to me.

Our senior year we had a huge falling out, on the level that only 17 year olds can truly achieve. It was the scandal of the year. For the first time in my life I was the victim of real gossip and lies. I would walk into a room and every person would stop talking. People I had never even seen before knew who I was. Everything I did spawned new rumors. The entire school took sides, hers or mine, and while neither of us was right or wrong, for some reason it catapulted me into superstardom and sent her into such a slump that she graduated high school a semester early to escape it all.

It's truly terrible, I know.

She was then my mortal enemy for a good, solid year.

But then, our sophmore years of college we made amends. She was deffenitely the bigger person in the whole process and that Christmas break she took me out with all of her new friends in a town that I was no longer familliar with. But as things often go when you put time and places and people into the mix, we both knew we could never be best friends again. We lived in different cities. We had different groups of friends. We did totally different things.
We wern't the same people that we were when we were 14 and 15 and 16 but I could once again truly appreciate her for a what a caring, beautiful and intelligent person she was and I could look back on our time together with real happiness.

Whenever I imagine my wedding, the colors, the locations, the flowers, and the guest list, shes always on it. The gesture that says "while we aren't close now, at one point you meant so much to me that I want you to share this day with me".

So I guess my point is, I'm not offended that I wasn't invited to her wedding. I just hope that despite it all, she was able to forgive me and think back on our time as best friends with real happiness, because it never really occured to me until now that she might not.

they call them alarms for a reason. They're alarming...

One of my favorite me time things to do is to go to the movies by myself. (Also, one of my favorite things to do with people is to go to the movies, but I digress.) So yesterday I decided to see 27 Dresses.

I seat myself in what I consider to be a prime location; middle of the third from top row. Added benefit is that there is not a single person around me for miles.

20 minutes in to the movie a man with a bag of popcorn comes in and sits in the row in front of mine, and two seats to my left. I think to myself that it's pretty weird that someone would come to a movie 20 minutes late, but I go back to the movie.
Shortly after, the man is moving around and it catches my attention. I look down and can clearly see that he is wiping tears from his eyes. The current scene was kind of sappy but not worth crying over. I cry at Publix commercials, so, the fact that this grown man was crying and I wasn't, I thought he was kinda wimpy.
But then, a few minutes later I look down again to see this man staring at me. Not glancing up in the way that I had just glanced down to catch him crying, but flat out staring. I gave him a stare back that said "hey creep, turn around", and he did. Then, however, he turned around again. I could see him out of the corner of my eye but I din't want to look down again because an alarm in me started sounding. My heart was beating rapidly. This guy was giving me the biggest creeps of my life. I tried to move my body as far to the right as possible hoping that my body language would speak to him, but he wouldn't stop looking back at me. When I knew he wasn't looking at me, I kept glancing down at him trying to figure out what his deal was because, seriously, I was panicing. This is when I noticed that this guy was still crying. Weeping, actually. Frantically swating the tears off of his face. And moving. He wouldn't stop moving in his seat. And looking back at me. He was getting more and more frantic and started putting the popcorn bag on the right side of his face as if he was trying to block him self from me. Then lifing the bag in the air. Then looking at me. Then wiping his face. Then blocking me with his popcorn bag.
Mean while, evey alarm system in my body was screaming "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THIS GUY NOW!!" except for this one little part of me. This one little part was saying "Hey guys, this man is crying. Maybe his daughter is really sick in the hopsital or something and he wanted to just go somewhere dark and cry. I think we should move, but lets pretend like we're going to the bathroom and just watch the movie from the little passage way for a few minutes, and then come back and pick a new seat? That way we don't offend him."
But then this much louder part said "If he wanted to cry in peace, why did he choose to sit 2 seats away from you when theres only 5 people in this entire theater?!?! Maybe hes crying because he's a mass murder and hes struggling with the crimes hes committed and upset because he'll never rest until he kills again!! What if, when you get up to prentend to go to the bathroom, he follow you out? WHAT THEN??"
So, I agreed with myself and when the man was in the "covering his face with a bag of popcorn" part of his routine, I quietly got up and shuffled myself to the darkest corner in the top row of the theater. (Which I realize now is kind of like Jamie Lee Curtis running up the stairs when being chased).

Then something happened that chilled me to the core.

I watched the man as he turned around to look at me and saw that I wasn't there. He stood up and turned aroud, looked over his seat onto the floor where I had been sitting, and then left.
I'm fully aware that I could be wrong here, but I'm pretty confident that this man thought I left and then tried to follow me out.

I was seriously thinking things like "Ok, at least I left a message on Amy's voice mail about where and when the movie was if she wanted to meet me here. Someone knows where I'm suposed to be if I don't turn up." Thats how f-ing scared I was.

When the movie was over, I didn't even stand up until the one group of girls in the theater did, and then I walked closely to them to pretend like I was with them. Oh yeah. Then I ran to my car.

Then I checked it to make sure no one was in it.

Thats how f-ing scared I was.




What would you have done? Ever had those alarms?

This must be where I get it from...

I have a nutty grandma. She does the weirdest shit. For instance, during Christmas of 06 she brought us all into her living room to show us this white teddy bear with angel wings and a violin, that, when turned on, played silent night while the wings changed colors.

"Do you like it?" she asked my mom "Because I bought it for you, but I'm gonna keep it here."

She also makes up stories about strangers. When I was about 10 years old, she was visiting us in Florida and while we were driving over a bridge by the beach, she pointed at a man fishing and said, very mater-of-factly "That man is fishing because he recently lost his job and barely has enough money to pay his bills, plus, he has 8 kids which is a lot of kids, and he has to feed them. And he's not a very good hunter."

honest.

So when I was at my parents house last weekend I saw these things lying around. They're called yoga toes and they go on your toes sort of like the separators you wear when you're getting a pedicure. Except they're stronger. And they're supposed to make your feet feel nice, or something. I knew my mom had bought these for my grandma so I assumed that she had bought a pair for herself, but no. Grandma didn't want the yoga toes, she gave them back to my mom. Why wouldn't she want them, you might be wondering? This was my moms response:
"Your grandmother says she doesn't have bones in her toes."

What. The. Fuck.

There are so many things wrong with this sentence. How do you walk if you don’t have bones in your toes? if you don’t have the bones in your toes, does that imply that you do have the skin that goes around the toes so they just flop around like empty gloves? How did I never know this? And what do you mean "your grandmother says"? Does that mean its not true?

"Look, I had reached a point in my life a long time ago where I just don't question all the weird shit she says. If she says she doesn't have bones in her toes, fine."

But this was not fine. I had to know. So I called her up.

"Grandma, I hear you don't have bones in your toes. What is this nonsense?"
In which she replied, very matter-of-factly, "Oh yeah, they took the bones in my toes out on my right foot. I've got a screw going through the side of my foot and there’s some other things in there, too. I couldn't walk for a few days but I can now."


honest.




3 generations of crazy.

I love your sense of entitlement! Where did you get it? Would you be mad if I went and got some, too?

Yet another up date on the Parking Lot War

My next door neighbor, Jodi, just informed me that the night before we actually left for Tampa, this crazy ass mo-fo lady that put the note of Jeff’s car went DOOR TO DOOR banging...not politely knocking...but banging. She was demanding to know whose car was parked in her spot. Apparently she was causing a gigantic scene, pointing at people, accusing people of things, like lying about which cars people actually owned.


That’s right. She went down the entire row of town houses demanding to know who parked in front of her house because...you know...she didn't want to have to walk down the entire row of town houses to get to her own place.