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Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Yeah that happened...today...

Went shopping, noticed a wine shop in the middle of the town center.


"5 dollar wine tasting" joanna said "that sounds fun"
"well..." i replied "we could check it out"

2 pm happens

then 3:30 is happening 

"I can't remember the last time I've been drunk on a Monday...besides last monday" says Joanna as we leave the...lets be clear, not bar, but wine shop...on a monday afternoon with a bottle of sparkling red wine. 

Litterally as we're oppening the bottle Jeff walks through the door from work. 

WELCOME!!

It's Paige's Okra Grill time. Paige's Okra Grill is what Cracker Barrel wishes it could be...BUT CAN'T. Obviously there were lots of fried deliciousness in leftover form. Also, you can get beer there which you can't get at Cracker Barrel*

Going out time. We go from bar to bar...we shall call it "bar hopping" meeting illustrious and interesting people every where we go from both man and woman. (WO man). I told everyone it was birthday (literally one week away, according to my book of ettiquite, not a lie. Birthday week started today.) We got lots of free drinks and had lots of free fun time.** We walked out of a bar and I said "Is it time to go home? Should we take a cab? No...Lets take one more shot at one more bar"

We walk in to a bar where we here the live musician say "This is my last song of the night" to the 6 people in the bar. Joanna and I instantly notice the song and run to him like it is our destiny
"This is a song" we sing
"for the ladies...but fellas, listen close"

we sang "Fuck Her Gently" at the top of our lungs

"Do you know The Saftey Dance? What about Forever In Blue Jeans?"
He knew them both and played them for us while we did our choreographed dance(s). We offered him a drink and he of course wanted Joanna's newest signature drink - Firefly Sweet Tea and water.

So...we go to the bar to order our new friend a drink and get a shot our two for ourselves (ITS MY BIRTHDAY, DID YOU HEAR??) and these fucking bitches start making fun of us by going 
(and I quote) "like totally for sure, I just got a manicure!!" and clapping like...I guess...cheerleaders?

So first of all...make sure your black roots are done before you start mocking us. Also, you're ass holes. It's my birthday, did you hear? It's also 2 am and we are out having fun and you are out making fun of girls like its 1994. I mean really. Thats the best you have? Because we totally had enough blonde hair/black root jokes to last us until tomorrow. But, we held back and only shot out a few. Gave the bartender a nice tip and peaced out before you white trash ass holes tried to rip our hair out (spoiler alert...ours is real and wont pull out as easily as weave)


A fat black man named James drove us home, sounded like Louie Armstrong and got out of his cab to give us good night hugs (not creepy) and then this happened:

Joanna: "I have to throw up"
Me: "Ok...will you get me my phone?"
Joanna: "Fuck you. I have to throw up."
Me: "Cool. get me my phone and then make yourself at home...at my toilet. seriously. don't throw up on my couch."
Joanna: "fuck you"

shes passed out and its my birthday...DID YOU HEAR???

*I don't know this for a fact. I only go to Cracker Barrel when I am so hung over that the only thing in my belly is alcohol and the only thing I want is biscuits and gravy and fried okra and olde timey root beer and can I get this boxed up? I'm gonna have to eat this later.

**a conversation we had tonight:
Me: "Joanna...did you just tell that bouncer that your bar trick was getting in fights?"
Joanna: "The interesting this is that my bar trick is what ever I want it to be. Sometimes my bar trick is being lazy. You really never know what will happen and thats what people like. People like for you to keep them guessing."****

*** I just tried to wake Joanna up to read this to her and she said "FUCK THOSE FUCKER WITH THOSE SHEETS"
"what" I said
"You...you...the sheets...fucks....and...you know...with...fuccks...shut up and I want...shut up"