Sunday, December 28, 2008

Burned Out doesn't even begin to cover it

You never know it's coming, that's part of its evil attack mechanism. If you knew that depression was coming you could do something to stop it, preventative measures.

But when you can't make it go away - when depression stops being a nuisance in your life and your days actually start molding around it, adapting to it, you've let the creature find a warm comfortable home to leach off of, that's when you're in trouble.

So you try your best to keep face, you stay as busy as possible, like you're running running running away from it. If you stop for one minute then it will catch you. That's easy to do when you have so much stuff to do you can't afford to stop and breathe.

Or maybe it just feels that way. Maybe that's part of the monsters plan. To overwhelm you until you can't take it anymore and you snap and let it consume you completely.

You can't let that happen so don't stop running running running away from it.

You wonder how you're gonna handle life when bad things, actual bad things, happen to you - you know that this is a cake walk right now and you can't even keep this shit together. Bank accounts, bills, money money money money. Your brain doesn't grasp those concepts. What a cop out.

"I don't get it"

oh shut the fuck up and figure it out.

"I've tried"

everyone else in the world can handle balancing their check books and paying bills on time and returning peoples phone calls and opening letters instead of just putting them on your dresser and not opening them and not opening them and not opening them for weeks in hopes that whatever they say - whatever at all - good or bad - will just be non existent if the letter remains closed.

You go to the funeral of an old friend and here it is, your opportunity to really let it out, to put your sadness into something concrete, and you stare blankly, you sit like a statue in the back of the church. It's the first time in weeks that you aren't crying because you're so numb you can't. You run out of the church as soon as the service is over so you can avoid all of the people you know that at one point not so long ago you would be thrilled to see under any circumstance, even such a sad occasion.

you're drowning and you really need it to be February already. or you really want to be a little kid again. or something.


Vanessa said...

You tell that monster to get the efff out or I'm gonna have to kick some monster a$$!

Hang in there, I know it's hard but you are so close. SO very close. I remember when you started school and now you are getting close to realizing the dream. Or just getting done.

Be gentle with yourself. Maybe go see a doctor? Find someone to talk to? Email me if you want. HUGS