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Friday, December 5, 2008

Road Rage

Alright kid-o's, we have go to get in sync here. Listen to me, when that quitin' bell rings we all want the same thing - an icy cold beer - but also, we all want to get home as fast as fucking possible but we are seriously not doing a good job at it, so lets establish some guidelines, shall we? Lets call them Rush Hour Rules of the Road:

The Rush Hour Rules of the Road:
1) If you do not need to be on any major highways, interstates, expressways, turnpikes or any other areas of heavy traffic between the hours of 4:30 and 6:30 DON'T.
2) If you have never been on a particular major highway, interstate, expressway, turnpike, or any other areas of heavy traffic DON'T TRY TO FIND YOUR WAY BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 4:30 AND 6:30.

If rules one or two apply to you, please stay home and discontinue reading. However, if you do not qualify for the above, continue on.

3) Breaks are not the only option for slowing down. Try taking your foot off the gas. This is highly effective and doesn't make the car behind you slam on his breaks causing the car behind him to slam on his breaks causing the car behind his to slam on his breaks. Look, unless you need to come to a sudden stop, or slow down drastically - DON'T TOUCH YOUR FUCKING BREAKS ON THE INTERSTATE YOU FUCKING ASS HOLES.

4) Don't drive past 50 cars waiting to get off at a particular exit so you can cut in front of them where the exit ventures from the road. First of all, why do you think you're so entitled? and 2nd of all, when you have to come to a complete stop to wait for traffic to move in the lane you want to cut in to...guess what happens to all the cars behind you? They all have to come to a complete stop behind you. There are enough of you dick wads on the road to block up entire lanes of traffic in trying to lane cut which means people block up the next lane of traffic to lane cut. WAIT YOUR TURN LIKE EVERYONE ELSE YOU IMPATIENT ASSHOLE

5) Drive at least the speed limit. I know that wording sounds wrong, what with "limit" implying that you shouldn't go beyond that, but listen to me 84 year old dude in the 1994 Oldsmobile cutlas, if you are not comfortable driving 75 miles an hour then retire already, or, see above if rules one and two apply.

6) Don't drive in the left lane, this is for passing. You know when you're driving along going 55 miles an hour in the left lane and it seems like every single car is coming behind you, getting right on your ass and the swerving around you while flicking you off? That's because every single car is doing that to you. If you're in the left lane and someone is coming up faster behind you, you get over BECAUSE THE LEFT LANE IS FOR PASSING YOU IGNORANT ASS HOLES. Yeah, I'm still talking to you old dude in the Olds'.

7) Oh my god, a car, on the side of the road, its not moving. DON'T SLOW DOWN TO LOOK AT IT.

8) Oh my god, a cop car, on the side of the road, writing a car a ticket. DON'T SLAM ON YOUR BREAKS! HE'S STANDING ON THE FUCKING SIDE OF THE ROAD, WRITING A TICKET TO SOMEONE ELSE! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK HES GOING TO DO? CHASE YOU DOWN ON FOOT????


9) Hang up the phone. Just, put it down. Look man, I'm all for some cell phone drive time chat but not during rush hour traffic.

All it takes is one person to do one stupid thing and everyone else get backed up. Lets all do our part. Follow these rules and we'll all be happier.

Oh yeah, and if you could also not do the following:

Have your car break down
Get into a car accident

It would be appreciated.

Thank you,
management

2 comments:

Vanessa said...

Allow me to add my rant? I know we are all busy. I know we "eat on the run" even when we know better. When you are eating a meal in your car that requires a knife and a F**king fork? I want to go bat shit crazy on your ass. Put down the GD silverware and drive the car. /end rant

bittersweetheart said...

hahahaha YES