Saturday, March 15, 2008

maybe she's born with it...

Some people might argue that I am of the lazy persuasion. I would disagree, but I don't feel like it. I'll do it later. (zing!) Ok, it's true. I'm pretty lazy, but I'm not the laziest person I've ever met. For instance, a few weeks ago I was directing a film shoot and we were in the middle of a block, but then we needed to move to the end of the block to film the next bit. The camera girl literally wanted to walk to the car on one end of the block, load up the car with the cameras, lights, etc, and then drive to the opposite end of the block because she didn't want to walk. I finally had to convince her that the distance it would take us to walk to where we needed to film was the same exact distance we would walk to get to the car, but seriously, she was not happy about it. So, I'm not the laziest person ever, even I have a line.

That being said, I am constantly demanding that Jeff do things for me that are totally ridiculous that I don't ever actually expect him to do. They usually involve anything that is upstairs when I am downstairs, and things that he either has no business doing or just physically can't do for me. But I always ask. "Jeff, carry me up the stairs and brush my teeth for me!" "Jeff, will you put all of my clothes away?" "Jeff, will you take a shower for me?" (yes, he lives with this.)

So, two days ago, I needed to get ready for work but was enjoying my time laying on the couch, nursing a hang over, so I shot out with a request- "Jeff, will you carry me up the stairs, wash my face, and put my make up on?"

For some reason I can still not fathom at this time, he came in from the kitchen, swooped me off the couch, carried me up the stairs and threw me on the bed.

"Ok, what now?"

I couldn't believe this was happening so I decided to milk it for all its worth.

"You know those wet towelie things I take my makeup off with? In the blue box? Get those!"

***Ok, now I think its important to add a detail right in here. I never take my makeup off before I go to bed. Not because I don't ever want people to see me with out make up on, but, guessed it! Shear laziness. So I needed to take my makeup off in order to put a fresh face on***

And he gets them. And I lay there with my eyes closed as he gently rubs my face and its oh so ever so sweet and lovely and then OH MY GOD THE BURNING MY EYE HURTS SO FUCKING BAD OW OW OW OW OWWWIIIEEEE I CAN'T OPEN MY EYE!! BUT OH MY GOD IF I CLOSE IT IT FEELS LIKE THERE ARE KNIVES ON MY EYE LIDS! TINY LITTLE EYE BALL KNIVES! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!!

So, after doing everything we possibly could for about 45 minutes which included putting several forms of eye drops in my eyes, dunking my head in a bowl of water and then opening my eyes and staring directly into a shower head, we decided that I had to go to the eye doctor. I knew there had to have been something in my eye, and most likely it was mascara, but I couldn't see anything in there and oh my god did I mention the knives?

So off to the eye doctor we go. At this point, both my top and bottom eye lids on my right eye are swollen and my eye ball is red all over. The doctor looks at my eye, flips my eyelid up (a trick that required a steady hand and a q-tip) and pulled out a huge glob of mascara. Ok, it was like a spec of mascara, but considering that it was jammed up in the deep bowels of my eye ball,it was pretty huge. The he looks at both of my eyes. Then he looks again. Then again.

"Have you been sick recently?"

"Yeah, a few weeks ago"

"ok, so here's the thing. You have pink eye. In both of your eyes. When you were sick, you probably rubbed your eyes and gave your self pink eye. You can't wear mascara for at least a week, you have to go home and throw away your mascara and if you don't do anything else, don't sleep in it anymore!"

Pink eye?! That seems kinda bogus because let me tell you a symptom of pink eye...your eye turns pink. Sure, one eye was pretty red but that was because there was a big hunk of mascara in it. It was already back to normal by the time I left the doctor (Except for the bizarre eyelid swellings, that took a day) Other than that, no pinkness involved. However, why would he lie to me about having pink eye? And I mean, what if i really do and i don't throw away my mascara and I just spread it back and forth and back and forth for the rest of my life until I have kids and they end up being mutant babies with scary discolored eyes?

***Ok, here's the other important tidbit to continue my story. I'm OBSESSED with makeup. I think of makeup the way other people think of painting, it's an artwork, you can make different creations every time, plus (when applied properly) makes you look so pretty! I love doing my make up, I love doing other peoples make up, I love shopping for make get the idea. Seriously. I take this with me as my carry on on air planes. ***

Alright, taking off my mascara before I go to bed? Fine, I can do that. But throwing away all of my mascara???? Not wearing any for a week??

Ok, I will painfully throw away my mascaras...but as far as not wearing any? Well... I didn't put any on for the rest of the day!

R.I.P. Mascaras. You were good to me...until you got globs of yourself stuck in my eye...

ps, any one else totally weirded out by the word "mascara" after reading it so many times?


Vanessa said...

I used to get my eyelashes in my eye as a kid and I would shout, "OMG, there's a BRICK in my eye!" which was good for getting immediate attention.

The mascara? It's hands down my favorite makeup product. We have three of the same mascaras. The Bad Gal Lash is my favorite!

sarahthings said...

I have never had pink eye - and hope I never get it. Though I'm wondering if I don't have it right now - since you can get invisible pink eye, apparently.

PS It's fun to read about another Jeff & Sarah. In that eerie and unnerving kind of way.

PPS I'm always like "Jeff, go pee for me!" Because I'm that lazy.