Sunday, January 10, 2010

Consumerism and The Weather

Dear The Mall and its subsequent stores,
(from here on out, you shall be referred to as only "The Mall", and I, the "customer" shall be referred to as however I see fit in the following letter)
It is cold. Across the nation it is cold, as a simple scan of any one's facebook news feed will tell you. The average in Charleston for the past few days has been about 30 degrees. That's cold. Yet of course, you, The Mall, have bikinis out. You had all of your winter clothes so marked down so long ago that all you have left are those stupid sweaters that are really thick but have elbow length sleeves. Really? That's fucking stupid. Of course no one wants to buy that. If you're cold enough to need a thick, knit sweater, then your whole body is cold enough. Your arms aren't exempt from weather.

I've felt for a while there is a weird emotional conspiracy that we all participate in to convince us that its really cold during the Christmas season and then that's the pinnacle of winter. When in reality it's usually not that cold on Christmas (this year being the exception) and it's usually very cold come February and March. Yet every year we like to pretend like this isn't so. It's so weird to me, every year I hear people talking about March like it doesn't drop to below freezing in Florida and I just want to scream at them "DID YOU GET YOUR MEMORY ERASED? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? MARCH IS COLD!"*

I digress. Back to the mall. I have been shopping for warm weather clothes this past week with no luck. I'm heading to Europe tomorrow where it is even colder then it is here and I'm not really prepared. Not being prepared isn't your fault,The Mall, of course. But not having winter clothes in the heart of winter most definitely is.

I haven't decided if the stores in the mall are partially responsible for this emotional conspiracy or if you're a mere victim. I don't see what you have to gain. I mean, if it's this cold in South Carolina then I have a hard time believing that people in the majority of this continent are buying bathing suits and tank tops right now.

But for right or wrong, you've gone ahead with this horrible plan and to try and convince us to buy your summer clothes you've done something amazingly retarded. You've turned the heat on in your stores. I'm looking at you American Eagle, Express, The Gap, Ann Taylor Loft, I'm looking at all of you. What the fuck. If there was something wintery in your stores I really couldn't make it to the clearance racks in the back to find them before I passed out of heat exhaustion. Because, if you'll recall, IT'S 30 FUCKING DEGREES OUT SIDE AND THE SOLICITORS OF YOUR MALL ARE DRESSED AS SUCH. Seriously?!?! These stores weren't warmed in accordance to how cold it was outside. These stores were hot. Are you trying to convince us that it's actually summer?
"Well Gee! I thought it was cold outside but I'm so overwhelmed with temperature confusion I think I will buy these jean shorts!"

Take notes. This time next year it will be cold. Please stock accordingly. And leave the heating units alone.

Heading off to Europe Woefully Under dressed

*Jeff glanced at my computer and said "oh, is this your annual rant about how people don't think March is cold?" Apparently I've approached this topic before


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