When in Rome...

Scene: Last night at a small, 2nd story, hole in the wall hipster bar where more than one person had an ironic mustache I was bossing around a girl I barely know because it was her 21st birthday.

One such ironically clad mustache man looked just like Will Ferrel. With a mustache. Which meant he looked just like Ron Burgundy. Awesome. But he was also a hipster so it was a fair assumption that he was probably a dick. (It's in the hipster rulebook - dress and act like an ass hole)

So I sent 21st birthday over to him (After making her take many shots including a Flaming Dr. Pepper and making her drink from the tap) and told her she had to say "WILL FERREL!!! CAN I HAVE YOUR PICTURE!!" and not stop until he said yes. Why would I do that? Because maybe I'm a bit of a dick also...and man, I love a good scene. And I got me one.

So he refused and covered his face and birthday girl proceeded to essentially climb on his back and force him into a picture. Then another kid in our group screamed from across the bar "HEY MAN! IF YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE SUCH A SWEET 'STACHE, DON'T BE SELFISH! SHARE IT WITH THE WORLD!"

Before he could finish his sentence Ron Burgundy and his friend were in his face. IN IT. Screaming "WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME!!" It was so random and extreme that I couldn't figure out if they were joking or not. Jeff and I stood right in the middle of it laughing our ass off.

Ron himself looked pissed. Royally. But his friend was rubbing peoples heads and screaming "MAYBE IF YOU HAD SAID 'SEAN CAN I HAVE A PICTURE' INSTEAD OF CALLING HIM WILL FERREL HE WOULDN'T WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!" And Jeff and I laughed. and laughed. Couldn't breathe laughing. Because Sean Burgundy was still centimeters from throwing bones. And everything Will Ferrel does is funny, even if its a bar fight.

They calm down and take their seats back at the bar. So I call over 21st birthday girl and instruct her to go up to him again and say "Sean...can I buy you a beer for a picture?" (I'm always thinking about those facebook memories...we needed a picture of this guy!) He says no, covers his face and she proceeds to hike up his back again until she finally gives up.

So he gets up, points at me and beckons me over to a corner (I guess he caught on to me being the instigator) and tells me this-

"Listen - normally it wouldn't be such a big deal but right now I'm a wanted felon and I just can't risk having my picture taken. I can't tell you what I did but it wasn't anything violent"
"What did you do?" I asked
"I can't tell you, but it wasn't violent, I swear"
"Oh, ok, then I'll just go ahead and assume the worst."
"No...no....it's not like that..."
"The worst! The end!"

and then they left. We never did get that picture but damn it was one of the best things thats ever happened to me in a bar. In retrospect I probably should have told him something about getting the cops off his trail by actually making them think he's Will Ferrel but then I'm sure I'd have a black eye right now.

Live Free, Twihard.

Hi. My name is Sarah and I'm a Twilightaholic.


I haven't been sober since I started reading them back in July, I've only been keeping it a secret from all of you out here in blog world.


It's really becoming a problem. My fiance can't stand it. They are really some god awful pieces of literature. And yet my thoughts are constantly consumed with those of the dear sweet edward cullen and all of the things I would do if I were a vampire.


I went to lunch with Brittany today and we talked about Twilight the entire time.


We talked about how all of the characters in the book suck.


We talked about how the books...um...kinda suck.


How the writing is terrible. Stop saying incredulous and nudger all the time Stepenie Meyer.


We talked about how winy and annoying Bella is.


How only someone mentally unstable wouldn't be able to move on when their high school boyfriend of like 3 months left them and then another great guy was in love her and she treats him like shit.


FUCKING RENESME. Whatever editor let Stephenie Meyer name a character RENESME needs to be fired. Black listed.


Breaking Dawn is more like a ten year old girl with no imagination wrote it then the same person who wrote Twilight.


We talked about how we can not wait for the movie to come out.
We discussed whether or not we should wear vampire fangs to the premiere. Not because of how unbelievably nerdy it is but because these vampires don't have fangs and we can't decide if its insulting or in honor.


We exchanged music that we have heard since reading the Twilight series and are convinced that it has to be about Twilight. Seriously, these bands wrote songs about Twilight whether they'll admit it or not.


We talked about how we're going to the Borders Twilght party on Saturday.






Well, it feels good to get that off of my chest.




Me on halloween...clearly i thought the fangs were a good idea, and, yes, thats a shirt with the cullen family crest on it.

Yet another personal letter, this time to a thief:

Dear Asshole(s) who stole my Obama sign out of my front yard,

Fuck you. We live in a democracy and I'm aloud to support candidates on my own property, and also? I paid for that sign. I can see why you might be so threatened by the measly Obama sign in our mostly white, upper class neighborhood of Carrolwood where Obama is a huge danger to your way of life. My sign is likely to persuade the thousands upon thousands of people who drive down our col-de-saq every day to suddenly change their minds and vote for Obama. Very likely. And if that happened? Holy shit! If your taxes go up to a reasonable and responsible amount instead of being cut because you make over 250,000 a year, you might just be aiding the economy and people who are worse off than you - and our country might actually get out of this shit hole cesspool we've belly flopped in to...we just wouldn't want that now, would we?

Or maybe you just didn't think my sign fit in with the rest of the decor. This is the view from my front yard. Honest to god. No joke. only my front yard.

I know these are shitty pictures, but let the red arrows be your guide. Especially for that fucking billboard my neighbor has.

So, go to hell. We live in a democracy and what I am doing is voicing my opinion as an American, what you are doing is immature and illegal. Because did I mention I paid for that sign?

-Sarah

P.S. I just went online and bought several more signs and had them rushed delivered even though I can't really afford that right now. Both for me and my one other lowly neighbor who had her Obama sign stolen as well. So, keep stealing, I'll keep putting signs out.

He's on the ten.

number 2

Have y'all taken the Activia Challenge, yet?

I have, and every morning when I reach into my refrigerator for a little carton of yogurt, my colon quivers like a well trained Pavlovian dog.

Just something for you to think about today.

Analyze this.

I had the weirdest dream last night.

First off, I was in "Malibu", but you know how things are in your dreams. You know what place its supposed to be but it isn't actually. Anyways, so I loved this place, I was telling everyone how I wanted to move to Malibu because it was so fantastic, but then something not so fantastic happened...a tomato bounced up to me. And then tried to bite me.

Of course because its my dream I instantly knew what had happened...an evil master cat was turning every cat in the entire world into killer tomatoes! And honestly, I think some random people that I know were also getting turned into killer tomatoes, but the main population was cats.

But see, no one would help me or had any problem with this at all. I'm panicking trying to leave Malibu by bike (?!) but the people I came with (on the same bike) (?!) won't leave because they're having such a blast despite the fact that there are killer tomatoes. Because the truth of the matter was, they were still the size of normal tomatoes just with a vicious appetite for death, so, they were easy to not get killed by them but DOESN'T ANY ONE ELSE SEE THAT THIS NEEDS TO STOP???

So first I find the master cat and discover that there is actually two. A gigantic white cat and a gigantic black cat, so I put them on top of each other and sit on them, sort of trying to kill them but really not being able to bring myself to kill cats...even ones that are turning every other cat into killer tomatoes. So I lock them in a bathroom but it doesn't matter, the damage is done. The killer tomatoes are turning more and more cats. Like vampires, really.

Then I meet a man who has come up with a way to jet ski off of a ramp and hold up a net and try to catch as many killer tomatoes as possible. So now the only guy who also has a problem with the little killer veggie/fruit felines is a total idiot. There are so many things wrong with this hair brained solution.

But as I'm giving this guy a chance my family shows up to try to talk me out of stopping the killer tomatoes. WTF?! At this point, people are having to lock themselves indoors because there are so many tomatoes chomping away at your ankles that they pile about 3 feet high. But just so we're clear here, death toll is still zero. These killer tomatoes are really awful at their life mission. And also, people still don't want to stop them.

So I'm locked in this room with a bunch of people and I tell them all I'm going to call my parents but I get up and call animal control because apparently they were completely unaware of the problem.

And then, they fixed it.

So, I go out side with Jeff and my next door neighbor, Jodi, and we're going to get in a giant ass pickup truck that I've never driven in my life, but both Jeff and Jodi get in the back seat so I say "Oh, I'll drive, ok!" I jump into the passengers seat and am so high up I can't reach down to close the doors. That's when Whoopi Goldberg jumps out from behind the bed of the truck, scares the shit out of me and closes the doors. So now we're off. I'm having a really hard time driving this massive thing, but mainly because it doesn't have gas pedals, but bike pedals and this is a huge ass truck.

That's when Party Like a Rock Star starts playing on the radio and I start "driving" up the steepest hill...so steep that people aren't making it to the top, they're actually sliding back down before they get to the top and I'm trying to pedal a pick up truck up it? But I made it to the top and then I woke up.

I was awake for an hour before it dawned on me how fucked up this dream was.

This is Really Special

Should I thank Joanna for this or what?

I bet you never knew I resembled snoop dogg so much!

Don't send a lame eCard. Try JibJab Sendables!

A helpful suggestion from Netflix.

"Sarah,
Because you enjoyed 30 Rock Season 1

We think you'll enjoy The War: A film by Ken Burns"

Maybe you've seen a version of 30 Rock that I haven't, Netflix...one that's more like a heavy-hearted documentary depicting a life changing event in our country's history and less like a behind-the-scene spoof of Saturday Night Live?

The single handed, most rediculous, and slightly blasfamous, conversation of all time.

What it sounds like to be Sarah and Amanda, discussing the vast secrets of Lost and religion:







Amanda: so I just ruined Lost for my friend who lent me season 1

Sarah: oh yeah, how did you do that?

Amanda: i said that Aaron is jesus and Locke is god

Sarah: oh, they hadn't figured that out yet?

Amanda: not the brightest crayon in the box

Amanda: he got the religious connotations

Amanda: but wasnt clear on them

Sarah: well, now he understands. i'm the virgin mary, btw.

Sarah: and you're the camel in the manger

Amanda: why am I the camel

Amanda: and you are NO virgin

Sarah: because you store water

Sarah: in your back

Sarah: duh

Amanda: so that would make u the inn keeper

Sarah: why?

Amanda: becuase youre the mean one who hate virgins and prego people

Amanda: and wont share

Sarah: i do hate virgins. thats a fact.

Sarah: but i ate baby jesusaaron for breakfast. I shared him with walt who is obviously the little drummer boy

Amanda: see, a virgin hating non-virgin cant be a virgin

Amanda: walt is obvisouly the drummer boy, but a canabal at heart

Amanda: ohh what trickery the bible has played on us

Sarah: yeah.

Sarah: indeed.

Sarah: when aaron grows up he turns into sayeed cuz, i mean, jesus is middle eastern

Amanda: f that, Im becoming a pagen again, ALL HAIL ZUSE!

Amanda: wow, how does that happen, arron turnig into sayeed, ohh because of the island to real world time difference

Sarah: exactly. aaron leaves the island, grows up, turns middle eastern, (ie, me and walt eat him then he gets pooped out) then returns as an adult but doesn't know that its him because its a little white baby

Amanda: yeah, thats why all middle easterns are brown,. they were shat out by you back in the biblical days when u turned down mary

Sarah: I EAT BABIES!

Sarah: have you ever seen dogma?

Amanda: yes

Sarah: that movie is all about religion and they have a shit monster!

Amanda: they do!!!!

Amanda: see,. its all in the bible

Amanda: they just re woreded it so ppl would take jesusarron side and not youre

Amanda: its all a scam

Amanda: that Sawyer taught claire

Sarah: whatever man, i dont care. im not gonna hate on them. lost is bringing the truth out


**************


Amanda: wait wait

Amanda: since me and you are always enemies in every story we make up

Amanda: and youre the anit christ that ate jesus

Amanda: that would make me GOD!

Amanda: b/c clearly Im not the camel

Sarah: but...but...

Sarah: does that make you...locke?

Amanda: soon sarah, the anit christ, we will battle

Amanda: i am god, i can take any form

Sarah: the holy trinity? the father, amanda and the holy locke?

Amanda: thats IT

Sarah: hold on though. walt comes back as a ghost figment type being...and also a lot taller and more grown up...so maybe the trinity is "locke, amanda and the holy walt"

Sarah: taller ghost walt

Amanda: no, b/c walt eat jesus

Amanda: he cant eat himself

Amanda: that would make walt jesus

Amanda: and arron something else

Sarah: but walt is the holy ghost

Sarah: taller holy ghost walt

Amanda: but they are all the same thing me, lock and the ghost, so are we saying that jesus isnt even part of the holy trinity that he said he ws to be part of

Amanda: we just cracked the foundation of religion

Sarah: holy crap! where does aaron fit into the equation?!?! there isn't enough spots! its like musical chairs

Amanda: maybe arron is a decoy

Sarah: i just instantly pictured one of those cpr babies

Sarah: and you kinda shaking it as a visual going "decoy! decoy!"

Amanda: aaron is the anti christ

Amanda: its your spawn

Amanda: and he betrays you

Amanda: so u eat him

Amanda: to teach him a lesson

Amanda: i hear the digestive track can be very painful

Sarah: and then poop out sayeed

Amanda: and thatys why sayeed is so bad ass, i mean you have to be to survive the small instestine

Sarah: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Sarah: i have to put this convo, slighly edited for content, in my blog

Amanda: please do it, i dont want proof of this convo to disapear into the void that is the information super highway never to be retrived again

Sarah: mary and david walked along the information super highway before
giving birth to aaron. Which means we're back to where we started. Jesus = aaron.

Amanda: Ah ha. We've come full circle!