Consumerism and The Weather

Dear The Mall and its subsequent stores,
(from here on out, you shall be referred to as only "The Mall", and I, the "customer" shall be referred to as however I see fit in the following letter)
It is cold. Across the nation it is cold, as a simple scan of any one's facebook news feed will tell you. The average in Charleston for the past few days has been about 30 degrees. That's cold. Yet of course, you, The Mall, have bikinis out. You had all of your winter clothes so marked down so long ago that all you have left are those stupid sweaters that are really thick but have elbow length sleeves. Really? That's fucking stupid. Of course no one wants to buy that. If you're cold enough to need a thick, knit sweater, then your whole body is cold enough. Your arms aren't exempt from weather.

I've felt for a while there is a weird emotional conspiracy that we all participate in to convince us that its really cold during the Christmas season and then that's the pinnacle of winter. When in reality it's usually not that cold on Christmas (this year being the exception) and it's usually very cold come February and March. Yet every year we like to pretend like this isn't so. It's so weird to me, every year I hear people talking about March like it doesn't drop to below freezing in Florida and I just want to scream at them "DID YOU GET YOUR MEMORY ERASED? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? MARCH IS COLD!"*

I digress. Back to the mall. I have been shopping for warm weather clothes this past week with no luck. I'm heading to Europe tomorrow where it is even colder then it is here and I'm not really prepared. Not being prepared isn't your fault,The Mall, of course. But not having winter clothes in the heart of winter most definitely is.

I haven't decided if the stores in the mall are partially responsible for this emotional conspiracy or if you're a mere victim. I don't see what you have to gain. I mean, if it's this cold in South Carolina then I have a hard time believing that people in the majority of this continent are buying bathing suits and tank tops right now.

But for right or wrong, you've gone ahead with this horrible plan and to try and convince us to buy your summer clothes you've done something amazingly retarded. You've turned the heat on in your stores. I'm looking at you American Eagle, Express, The Gap, Ann Taylor Loft, I'm looking at all of you. What the fuck. If there was something wintery in your stores I really couldn't make it to the clearance racks in the back to find them before I passed out of heat exhaustion. Because, if you'll recall, IT'S 30 FUCKING DEGREES OUT SIDE AND THE SOLICITORS OF YOUR MALL ARE DRESSED AS SUCH. Seriously?!?! These stores weren't warmed in accordance to how cold it was outside. These stores were hot. Are you trying to convince us that it's actually summer?
"Well Gee! I thought it was cold outside but I'm so overwhelmed with temperature confusion I think I will buy these jean shorts!"

Take notes. This time next year it will be cold. Please stock accordingly. And leave the heating units alone.

Sincerely,
Heading off to Europe Woefully Under dressed

*Jeff glanced at my computer and said "oh, is this your annual rant about how people don't think March is cold?" Apparently I've approached this topic before

Choose your own adventure

Dear The Public,

I was wondering if we could talk about a certain "celebrity" couple that has been infiltrating our news sources, websites and general lives and it must stop. That's right, I'm talking about (Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt/Jon & Kate Gosslin)____________. These people are so infuriating and they think we care about them. What they really, honestly can't seem to understand is that we are simply (laughing/not shocked in the slightest)______ at the train wrecks that is their lives. And we must stop them.

Take (Spencer/Jon)_____ for instance. This guy thinks that sporting (a creepy flesh colored beard/Ed Hardy Shirts to cover his gut)__________ is cool. It's not. It's (Creepy/desperate)_________. Oh, and the fact that you (push your wife's playboy issue/flaunt the fact that you have a 23 year old girlfriend)______at every opportunity that you can is also not cool. It's (desperate/creepy)______. I bet this guy was the biggest nerd in high school. And not the kind of nerd that grows up to be wealthy and interesting and surrounds himself with lots of friends and has something to offer society. No, I bet he was the kind of tool that rubbed his fingers around his pooper and then ran around making people sniff them...because he thought it was funny. This is essentially what this (douche nozzle/douche nozzle)______ is contributing to us right now, and even though we're laughing at him, he is soaking up every minute of it. We have to stop, and it's just as bad with his (wife/ex wife)_____ too.

Oh (Heidi/Kate)____, when will she realize that she is (a mouth piece/the flame that started this fire)_____ for her (obnoxious fame whore of a husband/flaming match that has been threatening to strike for years)______. Every time she does an interview attempting to defend herself from what (Anderson Cooper, Al Roaker, Joel McHale, and the rest of the world/Jon Gosslin)______ said about her she just makes it obvious that (she has no discernible talent to sustain herself otherwise/does not care about her kids as much as she claims over and over and over and over and over again)______ and that she loves the attention. Any one with half an ounce of grace would have bowed out of the spotlight and let time wash over her mess of a life. But she doesn't, she does things like appear on the cover of (Playboy/People, over and over and over and over again). At least she had some decent (plastic surgery/plastic surgery) ______ and got her self a talented (photo shop airbrusher/photo shop airbrusher)______. Remember when her reality show started? Talk about an ugly duckling. She was (like the Tori Spelling of The Hills/believable as a mother who had 8 kids under 5 and worked her ass off to get through everyday)______________. Now she (is a cyst of the ovaries of society/goes on book tours and makes frequent appearances on Larry King Live)___________________.

So what do we do? How do we stop these awful people from spreading like a rash on the underbelly of our pop culture world? Just ignore them. Because while making fun of the unbelievably ridiculous shit that they do like (quiting their reality show after one day in a dramatic, oh whoa is me type exit that included calling upon Jesus to find their way to safety/remaining on their reality show even though it's the very thread that has unraveled the entire fabric of their lives)_____________ is hilarious, it doesn't work for them. They live for attention, no matter how negative it is. So please, turn off Larry King, write Perez Hilton and tell him you want more Twilight updates and less of this shit, don't buy their magazines that they get paid millions to grace the covers on and most importantly STOP WATCHING THEIR TV SHOWS. Think of these people like little dogs that you're training. You don't want them whimpering outside of your door while you're sleeping? Well, you've tried letting them in your room but then they just whimper next to you. You've tried getting angry with them and bopping them on their nose, but then they think you're playing a game. Well try ignoring them. It'll take some time, but eventually, they'll go away.

Please society, I'm begging you. We can do this, together.

Thank you for your time,
-Sarah

Sims 2? Please step into my office. We need to talk.

Yes Sims 2, thank you for being here.

As you know, you have been a great asset to my company ability to waste hours on end without noticing. The things you do around here have not go unnoticed. Of course it was amazing when you permitted the ability for my sims to have babies that grew into toddlers, children, teens, even young adults, adults, and then got old and died. That had been previously unheard of! Oh, The Sims 2! Your possibilities were limitless! Always coming out with a new expansion pack to give me new fashions, new music, even the ability for it to snow over in Pleasantville where previously it had always been pleasant! It seems, however, that your limitless possibilities have reached their limit. Today I will be letting you go. I will leave for work and on my home I will stop at Target to buy the newly released Sims 3, and you, sorry to say, will have to be deleted. And I will be awed and amazed by the Sims 3 and in a year or so I will see someone playing the Sims 2 and I will laugh at their inferiority to me and wonder how I ever had the slightest bit of fun playing, eh, Sims 2 when I have Sims 3! So much better! Seamless neighborhoods!! Everyone ages together! No more waiting an hour just to go to a community lot! And did I mention the personality traits? DID I?

So you understand why I must let you go. I will be happy to write you any recommendations that you might ask for, although you'll pretty much just be living in a drawer in my computer desk.

You can finish out the day.

Oh. And thank you for not crashing my computer and deleting yourself like The Sims did to me back in '02.

Dear Brittany,

Quit your bitchin.

Love,

Sarah and all of her gold plated glory

Dear Liver, I'm sorry.

Portrait of an engagement party:


Portraits of the bar after the engagement party:

Don't stop believing.

Dear people who read my blog,

If you want me to update my blog more frequently...then comment on my blog so I get the slightest feeling that more than two people are reading it. That might make me feel a little more obliged.

Thanks,
Sarah

Mental Exercise in Restraint

When I was a kid my parents bought a family pack gym membership to the Y and for some reason, they've never gotten rid of it. So, when ever I have enough time to fit in anything resembling exercise, I head on over to the good ol' neighbor hood YMCA.

Ever since college I have worked out in gym's. Real gyms. Gym's where you feel bad about yourself, gyms where people dress up and put on full faces of makeup to make you feel bad about yourself. I usually find the Y to be a much welcomed change, even if what they have to offer in terms of equipment and space is limited, the people are real. No one cares what you're doing. No one cares what you look like. Get sweaty and gross in peace. No one is even paying attention to you...

...until now...

There is a man in Tampa who must be grossly unaware of the fact that I see him every time I go to the gym. This is a personal letter to him:

Dear man at the Y who wears khakis with a belt, a polo and penny loafers,
First of all, this is not appropriate work out attire. I do know from looking around the room that all of you old people (more on that in a moment) think that "gym clothes" are the same thing as "gardening clothes" or "clothes to go grocery shopping in" or "clothes to see my grandsons flute recital in", and that's fine. You look like a fool, but whatever. That's your prerogative. Penny Loafers, though? You are not fooling anyone.

You know what else doesn't fool people? And listen closely because this is really my point here, people don't think you're working your inner thighs just because you're sitting on the leg adducter machine. People aren't dooped into thinking you're shaping your delts because you're sitting on the rowing machine. No one believes you're getting a great cardiac workout because you turned the treadmill on and stand with your feet on either sides of the rolling tread. I actually watched you turn the speed up and hike up the incline!! And just stand there!!

I probably wouldn't notice you except that you are always at the gym when I am at the gym. I don't have a set gym schedule, in fact, it's down right random. This leads me to believe that you live there. Or at least spend all of your time their during normal business hours.

But even this probably wouldn't be enough for me to notice you but it really feels like, and I hope this doesn't come off sounding paranoid or anything, but it really feels like you read my mind, find out exactly what course of action I'm going to take in the gym and then make your move planting yourself on the exact machine I want to be on. Sitting. Or standing. Or whatever the starting position may be. But not exercising.

You don't ever notice me because you stare at your...well...I could really use your help here. You stare at something small and electronic the entire time, pushing buttons and twiddling your thumbs. It's not any kind of music player because there aren't head phones, but it's not a phone either and I think you're too old for texting even if it was. Whatever it is you constantly stare at it and push it's buttons. And I constantly stare at you, willing you off of the freakin' lat lift, and you know what? You push my buttons also.

I've come up with two reasons for your actions- 1) you think that just by being in the gym and moving from machine to machine you're probably getting more out of it then sitting at home watching Murder She Wrote or 2) your wife via your doctor is demanding that you workout so you move from machine to machine so you don't have to lie to her.

So I have two solutions for you- 1) go sit on the chairs in the f-ing lobby. You'll get as much exercise there as you will sitting in the actual gym room or 2) Fucking exercise. No one gets mad at people who are actually using the machines they want to use.

Thanks for your time,
-Sarah

Now for everyone else...when did the YMCA become a geriatric center? On average, and this is very scientific, I see about 6 walkers. I would probably see less walkers at an actual geriatric center. I'm not at all annoyed by this. Please don't get me wrong. I find it absolutely adorable to see 80 year old men on the elliptical with their canes hooked to the handle bar and their socks pulled up to their shins. Old men and their high socks...oh me. Tickles me pink inside.