James Monroe Howell

Last month, my Papa, who played guitar every Saturday night in a band, who kept a beautiful garden around his koi pond in his back yard, who went on cruises and dates with younger women (she's in her 60's? you dog!) wasn't feeling well and drove himself to the hospital a few towns away.



He was told that night that he wasn't aloud to leave the hospital until he was placed in hospice care and he had 3 to 6 months to live.



He didn't care.



Living like a vegetable, doped up on morphine, not being able to get out of bed to use the bathroom - he told me several times in his mumbly incoherence that he wished he never gotten in his car that day last month.



Last night he died.

I'll miss you, but I sure am glad knowing that you're not suffering anymore.




Although, I'm pretty disappointed you didn't make good on your deal.

mommies make the world go round!

My mom just left after spending the weekend in Jacksonville with us. She brought her wonderdog, Commander Puddles. These two creatures have an insane obsession with each other and today, when my mom started packing her suitcase to leave, this dog became terrified. The, fear, we assume, is that she thought my mom was going to leave her at my house. She shook with her tail between her legs for like an hour and wouldn't leave my mom's suitcase. She's a smart dog, ya know. I guess she figured that if she didn't get off of the suitcase, then she wouldn't be forgotten.




Can't you see the fear in her eyes?


Other good highlights of the weekend:


Going to the Jacksonville Zoo and Gardens Moderately Landscaped Pathways.


Seriously? This is no spring garden festival!

Jax Irish Fest





with some joyous dancing





and some feet boxing.


Not so good highlights:
Having to make an emergency trip to walgreens at 4am this morning because apparently, abruptly stopping the activia challenge seems to have some...ahem...negative side effects as well.

Old people are the greatest...

While leaving my papa's house up in the mountains of north Georgia, after a raucous weekend of blue grass music is dilapidated barns, accidentally flashing the next door neighbors, and most importantly, celebrating my papa's 80th birthday, he said;

"Well, you guys come back whenever you can. I've only got 20 more years."

"Really? Whys that?"

"It's part of my plan. Live to be 100 only to be killed by a jealous husband."

This must be where I get it from...

I have a nutty grandma. She does the weirdest shit. For instance, during Christmas of 06 she brought us all into her living room to show us this white teddy bear with angel wings and a violin, that, when turned on, played silent night while the wings changed colors.

"Do you like it?" she asked my mom "Because I bought it for you, but I'm gonna keep it here."

She also makes up stories about strangers. When I was about 10 years old, she was visiting us in Florida and while we were driving over a bridge by the beach, she pointed at a man fishing and said, very mater-of-factly "That man is fishing because he recently lost his job and barely has enough money to pay his bills, plus, he has 8 kids which is a lot of kids, and he has to feed them. And he's not a very good hunter."

honest.

So when I was at my parents house last weekend I saw these things lying around. They're called yoga toes and they go on your toes sort of like the separators you wear when you're getting a pedicure. Except they're stronger. And they're supposed to make your feet feel nice, or something. I knew my mom had bought these for my grandma so I assumed that she had bought a pair for herself, but no. Grandma didn't want the yoga toes, she gave them back to my mom. Why wouldn't she want them, you might be wondering? This was my moms response:
"Your grandmother says she doesn't have bones in her toes."

What. The. Fuck.

There are so many things wrong with this sentence. How do you walk if you don’t have bones in your toes? if you don’t have the bones in your toes, does that imply that you do have the skin that goes around the toes so they just flop around like empty gloves? How did I never know this? And what do you mean "your grandmother says"? Does that mean its not true?

"Look, I had reached a point in my life a long time ago where I just don't question all the weird shit she says. If she says she doesn't have bones in her toes, fine."

But this was not fine. I had to know. So I called her up.

"Grandma, I hear you don't have bones in your toes. What is this nonsense?"
In which she replied, very matter-of-factly, "Oh yeah, they took the bones in my toes out on my right foot. I've got a screw going through the side of my foot and there’s some other things in there, too. I couldn't walk for a few days but I can now."


honest.




3 generations of crazy.

Cheaper than botox, quicker results!

I gave my blog a face lift...which means I just changed the template and it took me approximately 45 seconds.

Just returned from the out-of-state extended-family thanksgiving weekend and I've decided that I will opt out of these from now on. I understand why my brother hasn't gone to the big thanksgivings or Christmases in about 5 years. I love seeing my parents and my sister, and there are one or two other family members I enjoy seeing, but that's out of about 30 people. Hardly seems worth it.
I see these people once a year, at best. I know people that I would barely consider acquaintances that I see more often than that, and yet I'm supposed to have some intimate connection with strangers because we share 1/4 of the same blood? It doesn't happen. It's awkward and forced...but since we're strangers that have known each other for a life time, we all seem to expect something out of everyone else, which is always a disappointment.
I find that when I'm around my family, I'm always hurting peoples feelings and people are always hurting mine. Every body lets every body down. It happens just as much around my extended family, but without the balancing out of joy that you get from being around people you truly care about.

At least I got to be with my sister two weekends in a row! She makes me happier than a...um...I don't know what. Something that's really happy.(even if she is always threatening to punch me)

Oh, OH! The club house in my neighborhood is all decked out in Christmas tacky-ness! You know those inflatable Christmas decorations? There is six of them! On top of random colored lights everywhere! I LOVE IT!