Sarah Makes You Stronger

2010-02-04T21:08:00.001-05:00

Ok, so I'm clearly having a hard time writing about the rest of our trip.

Well, life is hard a stressfull now that I'm home. I mean, LOST started up again. But um, check out this new project I'm doing -

www.quitting.tumblr.com

I'm quitting something every month, for a month. check it!

Euopean Honeymoon Pt 1; Paris, my fickle lover

2010-01-28T10:29:00.001-05:00

After traveling for what essentially equates to 24 hours, we arrived at our hotel in Paris at about noon on Tuesday. There was snow on the ground, and it was cold. We were exhausted from traveling but totally pumped to start our vacation. I don’t exactly remember why (remember, drunk off of sleepiness and airplane air) but we decided our first destination would be Napoleons tomb and the subsequent army museum. This was my third time in Paris and I had not ever been to it so it seemed like a good place to start. Also, we were gonna walk. We knew it was far, but god damn it we were in Paris and we wanted to see the streets and we were sick of sitting and, you get it. We both agreed, however, that we would definitely be taking the metro home. It snowed while we were walking which was magical, and all of the Christmas decorations were still up all across the city which, although wasn’t exactly timely, was also magical.

So we walked, saw napoleon and his little tomb and then the sun started to set, and we were far away, and more tired, and hungry and kinda over whelmed by our reintroduction to Europe. We went to the nearest Metro station to hop back to our hotel, throw on a few layers, and make a new plan for the evening when we learned that we couldn’t buy metro tickets because we only had paper money, and the cash machines only took coins and because Europe has (wisely) instituted a smart chip in all of their credit cards and any ATM type machine (read: Metro ticket machines) can only read credit cards with these micro chips (read: not ours). This wasn’t part of the plan. We then went to the next metro stop we came to and came across roughly the same situation, so we begrudgingly treaded all the way back to our hotel. It took like 2 hours, in the (literally) freezing cold and dark. It wasn’t the most pleasant thing ever.

When we were finally back in the latin quarter, where we were staying, we grabbed ourselves a bottle of cheap wine from the grocery store and some sandwiches and called it a night.

We woke up in the morning and prepped our French to ask the man at the front desk for change for our metro card, we needed about 11 euro in coins and I guess it was asking a lot, so he was hesitant and kept questioning us. When he finally got down to the heart of why we were asking he let us know that the metro stop right outside of our hotel, you know, that one, it takes dollar bills.

Of. Course. It. Did.

Definitely a more successful day than the first, we did a lot of generic Parisian things; the catacombs, Notre Dame, Arc De Triumph and the Louvre. We went to the dorms that I lived in when I studied in Paris. The sun came up by the third day and we went north to Montmatre and we got to see the beautiful Sacre Couer in the winter sun light.

We had a few more sitcom-esque follies in Paris. One, was the Eifel Tower being completely closed because they are building new elevators, this being particularly funny because the only other time Jeff has been in Paris, the tower was closed then as well because of weather. The other included the three day search for the Basilica St. Dennis, where the heart of Louis the XVI and Marie Antoinette’s son (proved recently with DNA tests) is. St. Dennis is the patron saint of Paris and “Hotel De Ville” is a pretty common reference point throughout the city on maps, so when our guide book told us to get off at the St. Dennis stop new the Hotel De Ville, but didn’t mention which line we should take, their were literally 4 different options for us and they were all over town.

Once we finally found this damn church, the crypt holding said heart was closed. I thought steam was going to start blow out of Jeff’s ears Looney Toons style.

I was pleased with how quickly my basic French came back to me. I was conjugating words in no time. I was also thrilled at how quickly I regained my geographical and social knowledge of the city. Picking up land marks, remembering the subtle nuanced rules of the metro, but one thing was different. I never felt comfortable ordering food in restaurant. We actually started to lose weight in Paris just with the little amount that we ate. Of course we found a great crepe stand and enjoyed a meal or two their but the actual act of walking into a restaurant, sitting down and eating, was always an anxiety driven activity. I’m still trying to figure this out in my head; this has never been a problem for me before.

I do think it has to do with naivety of youth that I’m slowly shedding. I know I’m still young, but when I was 18, 19, 20, I certainly wasn’t aware that I might be offending someone and their countries most sacred institution – eating. Self consciousness isn’t the right word, but it’s the best I’ve got to describe my (and Jeff’s) over sensitivity to eating out in Paris. Lame? Yes. Kinda heart breaking? Definitely. But we sucked it up and went into every restaurant with our heads held high and, with having already decided what we were gonna eat from the menus outside. That helped.

Next installment “Beautiful city, it’s a shame it’s in Belgium”; Waterloo and Bruges

Whats in a name?

2010-01-22T13:39:00.004-05:00

I vowed to myself and my new husband that I would not get upset nor correct anyone who incorrectly referred to me by his last name. No, if someone called me Sarah Jones I wouldn't say anything unless it was necessary. It doesn't really bother me, it doesn't happen often and its usually by the well intentioned, all though uninformed, that I, for whatever reason, didn't change my last name to his.

What does offend me, and I actually mean offend, is getting letters and packages - or referred to in any way - as "Mrs. Jeffrey Jones". What the fuck. I know I didn't personally contribute to woman's lib or anything, but I'm pretty sure we're passed the point in time where my value is demonstrated on whether or not I'm married and who I'm married too. Of course this helps to define me, but as much as it helps to define Jeff.

One time a box of all of my dad's elementary school memorabilia was brought out and I loved going through it but was completely perplexed that every report card and letter home was signed by "Mrs. James Howell". When I asked my mema about this, she couldn't give me a satisfactory answer. Something about how it's your husbands importance that is taken on. And so I pressed about why she was even aloud to sign it at all then it just kinda circled around because, you know, that's just how it is.

My point? Until we receive a letter addressed to "Mrs. and Mr. Sarah Howell" I will probably want to punch my fist through the wall every time I see that antiquated label.

And in other news, we got home from Europe late last night and I'll be storytelling soon.

Consumerism and The Weather

2010-01-10T17:37:00.002-05:00

Dear The Mall and its subsequent stores,
(from here on out, you shall be referred to as only "The Mall", and I, the "customer" shall be referred to as however I see fit in the following letter)
It is cold. Across the nation it is cold, as a simple scan of any one's facebook news feed will tell you. The average in Charleston for the past few days has been about 30 degrees. That's cold. Yet of course, you, The Mall, have bikinis out. You had all of your winter clothes so marked down so long ago that all you have left are those stupid sweaters that are really thick but have elbow length sleeves. Really? That's fucking stupid. Of course no one wants to buy that. If you're cold enough to need a thick, knit sweater, then your whole body is cold enough. Your arms aren't exempt from weather.

I've felt for a while there is a weird emotional conspiracy that we all participate in to convince us that its really cold during the Christmas season and then that's the pinnacle of winter. When in reality it's usually not that cold on Christmas (this year being the exception) and it's usually very cold come February and March. Yet every year we like to pretend like this isn't so. It's so weird to me, every year I hear people talking about March like it doesn't drop to below freezing in Florida and I just want to scream at them "DID YOU GET YOUR MEMORY ERASED? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? MARCH IS COLD!"*

I digress. Back to the mall. I have been shopping for warm weather clothes this past week with no luck. I'm heading to Europe tomorrow where it is even colder then it is here and I'm not really prepared. Not being prepared isn't your fault,The Mall, of course. But not having winter clothes in the heart of winter most definitely is.

I haven't decided if the stores in the mall are partially responsible for this emotional conspiracy or if you're a mere victim. I don't see what you have to gain. I mean, if it's this cold in South Carolina then I have a hard time believing that people in the majority of this continent are buying bathing suits and tank tops right now.

But for right or wrong, you've gone ahead with this horrible plan and to try and convince us to buy your summer clothes you've done something amazingly retarded. You've turned the heat on in your stores. I'm looking at you American Eagle, Express, The Gap, Ann Taylor Loft, I'm looking at all of you. What the fuck. If there was something wintery in your stores I really couldn't make it to the clearance racks in the back to find them before I passed out of heat exhaustion. Because, if you'll recall, IT'S 30 FUCKING DEGREES OUT SIDE AND THE SOLICITORS OF YOUR MALL ARE DRESSED AS SUCH. Seriously?!?! These stores weren't warmed in accordance to how cold it was outside. These stores were hot. Are you trying to convince us that it's actually summer?
"Well Gee! I thought it was cold outside but I'm so overwhelmed with temperature confusion I think I will buy these jean shorts!"

Take notes. This time next year it will be cold. Please stock accordingly. And leave the heating units alone.

Sincerely,
Heading off to Europe Woefully Under dressed

*Jeff glanced at my computer and said "oh, is this your annual rant about how people don't think March is cold?" Apparently I've approached this topic before

2010-01-08T14:41:00.000-05:00

I have on long underwear and flipflops

because thats how I roll

10 years later...

2009-12-30T12:24:00.001-05:00

Assuming that these next few days go, at the least, without merit then this decade has definitely been the best decade I’ve had yet. Granted, I’ve only had two and a half decades, and the high lights of those were shitting in my pants and learning to not shit in my pants, respectively, but this one has been damn good.
Items of note:
Graduated high school
Graduated college
Invented a machine to allow cats to write blog posts
Visited Europe, and then did it again
Wrote a Pulitzer prize winning novel
Learned to drive
Got married
Let cats write most of my blog posts for this decade
Became the first black president
Moved to several new locations
Became a pretty cool adult

Happy New Decade to you and yours!

*this post was written by a cat

Stop being an ass hat to people who don't deserve it

2009-12-23T18:44:00.002-05:00

I should not have garnered this response from the technician who helped me out on the Bank of America live chat-

I asked him a simple, straight forward question. He gave me a simple, straight forward answer, as well as telling me (and I quote) "I request you not to worry at all" and "you need not to get disappointed, I have a best alternative for you"

and then I said - "great! thank you. That's all I need, you were very helpful. have a nice day!"

And boy was I lucky enough to not instantly close out the chat box because then he said-
"Pleasure is all mine! Thank you for your appreciation. Thank you. It was a pleasure assisting you today. Enjoy the rest of the day! Have a wonderful day! Take care and keep smiling! Wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! May the Holiday season snow joy and cheer on you! Thank you. Bye and take care of yourself! You have been so wonderful. It is a privilege to have a wonderful customer like you. Bank of America is delighted to have customers like you."

To which I ask you, American society, why are you such an ass hole? Seriously. Stop treating people like shit.

He'd never survive in the real world

2009-12-07T18:54:00.002-05:00

Two cop cars are sitting outside of our apartment right now.

Jeff: I just bought pot from the cop.

Me: Oh yeah? How'd that work out?

Jeff: I walked up to one of them and I was like "Do you sell pot?" and he said "no, I arrest people who sell pot". Then I walked up to the other cop and said "Do you sell pot?" and he said "yes" so I said "I'll take three"

Me: Three what?

Jeff: Three marijuana

Me: dumb founded

Jeff: Marijuana is plural for marijuana, like geese.

Me: Geese is plural for goose...and anyways, what?

We did

2009-12-01T17:43:00.004-05:00

When we were planning our wedding, we just wanted it to be the most fun wedding of all time. Oh, and also be beautiful. That's not too much to ask, is it?

Mustaches and flip flops for all, mad libs and crosswords in the program, a photo booth, dancing, a candy buffet and an all around amazing time.

Apparently not!

I'm home...

2009-11-28T08:52:00.003-05:00

but bare with me, I'm still trying to unpack -
- I've had a very long 2 weeks...

What it sounds like to have motivational speakers as friends-

2009-11-08T11:08:00.003-05:00

"When was the last time you did something you're really proud of? Wait, I've got an answer to this otherwise rhetorical question. The last time you challenged yourself."

-my friend Will, in an other wise totally normal conversation

Civic Duty - Ur Doin It Right

2009-11-03T19:32:00.002-05:00

"I Voted" stickers. Falls hottest accessories.

I have a PhD in horribleness

2009-10-30T19:54:00.004-04:00

I was in my closet a few minutes ago picking out clothes to wear tonight and the millisecond I stepped out of the closet Jeff nailed me repeatedly with a marshmallow gun.

Thats right. A gun that shoots mini marshmallows using air pressure...I got about 50 in my face.

Jeff dropped to him knees, laughing so hard he was literally in tears and in between his tears cried out "OH MY GOD! THIS IS SO AWESOME!!"

Halloween is the greatest holiday ever.

*I will post pictures after Halloween that will make the subject line and the need for a marshmallow pellet gun make more sense. Just laugh about the fact that we've been in a marshmallow war for a few hours.

facebook me!

2009-10-29T15:15:00.002-04:00

I have too many facebook friends.

I'm not trying to sound conceded. Or too cool for other people but lets be honest - when you place the word "facebook" in front of the word "friend" it completely looses the validity and importance of said "friend".

For instance, here are some ways that I describe my dear friend Joanna -
My best friend
My oldest friend
My sorority sister
My brides maid

Here are ways that I could describe her but won't because they take away the validity of our relationship -
A girl I met in dance class
An old neighbor
Someone I know who lives in California
Facebook Friend

So today people, I will be doing some cleaning. It's a tricky thing though - I can't just go through and delete everyone except for people I'm still in touch with...there are some people that I don't necessarily talk to but still am interested in where their life has taken them.

Mainly, I'm deleting those people who, after a drunken night on the strip, junior year, facebooked me after we got home and we never ever spoke again. Or, the people that I friended in 2005 because I thought I knew who they were but I wasn't really sure because back then it wasn't quite as clear who was trying to contact me but it was kind of a badge of honor to have lots of facebook friends.

That should be a solid 150 people right there.

And then there are the people who I was friends with for like, a semester. We hit it off in French class, worked on a project again but every time they show up on my news feed I think "who is that person?"

Oh...and then there are those people that I totally know but just annoy me. They update their status 40 times a day. They "like" everything you do. Their constantly asking you to join their mafia groups or help feed their cows on their farms or some weird shit that I don't even understand.

But my biggest gripe...the first people that are getting deleted...are the people that "chat attack" every time I sign on to facebook. Hi. We went to high school together. We haven't spoken to each other in six years. Stop telling me about the script your writing every freakin' time I sign on to FB. You make me afraid to go on FB. I don't care if this hurts your feelings, you're about to get deleted.

You know...in a few hours...when I've determined that I can sign back on without getting chat attacked by you.

Two Stories That Do Not Appear To Be Related But Are

2009-10-22T19:17:00.003-04:00

Story 1 - When the seasons change I am prone to pretty killer sinus headaches that make me useless doing anything that requires the slightest head movement. It feels like my brain is rattling in my head. When this happens I have to act fast and I have two options. Benedryl or some kind of drug with Psuedophedrine in it. This is the stuff that meth is made out of.
I get jittery if I drink a Soda. This stuff makes me feel like I'm on crack. But unless I can spend my whole day sleeping then I have to pick it over the Benedryl.
It leaves me impaired. My brain jumps all over the place, I get hot and sweaty, my stomach feels weird all day, and I just don't function at the normal level that I've come accustomed too as a moderately intelligent adult.
But it's better than the sinus headaches.
This morning I got a sinus headache shortly before I had to go to work. So I took this -

Story 2 - I own deodorant and Icy Hot. They are both in a roller ball type dispensary.

Guess what I put on my arm pits after I came home from work and was feeling uncomfortable hot and sweaty?

Charleston Ranked #2 on the Next Generation City list

2009-10-13T10:20:00.002-04:00

According to this article, we young people are at a very interesting time. While generations before us had to determine where to live based on where they wanted to work, we now decide where to live and then get jobs.

Charleston is ranked number 2, because it's such a bad ass city.

http://www.areadevelopment.com/siteSelection/august09/next-generation-cities-knowledge-workers.shtml?Page=1

I totally agree with this article because personally, we probably have 10 friends here who came here on vacation, or just decided they wanted to move somewhere cool and ended up here...and then got themselves a job.

Jeff and Sarah - k.i.t.

2009-10-12T19:21:00.007-04:00

Jeff and I have been though so much together. Maybe I'm being a bit sentimental, but I just wanted to look back on some important times in our lives.

Shortly after we met. I had a steady with Donny Perkins but Jeff asked my folks if he could take me to the ice cream social. I didn't like Donny too much anyway and Jeff brought me a swell corsage that night.

Then things started changing, the whole air smelled different. Women started having options and voicing opinions, like how much dreamier her boyfriend looked with his coif instead of a buzz cut and why the bouffant was much more hip and with it then the wave. Also, we started saying "hip" and "with it". Yep, things were different all right.

And then we helped fight adversity. Can ya dig it? We were too fly to not be an interracial couple.

And then humidity came by and we lost all the fighting power in our mighty hair do's. And we started smokin' a lot of pot and couldn't be bothered with picks and hairspray, anyways. Chill out, man. We gotta like, love mother earth and stuff.

BUT THEN! IT WAS THE 80'S AND WE STOPPED SMOKING POT AND STARTED DOING COKE! SNORTING COKE! LOTS OR RADICAL PARTIES, TOO! MOTHER EARTH IS A NERD!! AND THEN LOOK! THEN WE COULD BE BOTHERED WITH PICKS AND HAIR SPRAY, BRO HEEM!! WE COULDN'T GET ENOUGH! IT COULDN'T BE HIGH ENOUGH, OR CRUNCHY ENOUGH!! WE WERE TOTALLY TUBULAR!!!

and then we went to rehab for like an entire decade. We had to kick it, and it was hard.

Jeff went back to the gonja, bro. But I was too worried about Y2K and the subtle highlights and the layers that framed my face to worry about that.

It's amazing how far we've come.

Let's Cause a Scene

2009-10-12T17:30:00.005-04:00

Jeff and I met slightly over three years ago, as many of you know, at a concert in Jacksonville.

The band was The Format and they were phenomenal, but other wise not relative to the story.

What is relative is that at this tiny venue in Little Five Points called Fuel Coffee House, the AC was broken, the concert was sold out and it was July in Florida.

As I balanced in the passage way between the back of the joint where The Format was playing and the front where the front door was open, gasping for fresh air, I met him. This quite man who reserves his words for the people he knows well approached me. Talked to me. Had to talk to me. Had to know me.

"Who was that person?" I would ask him later on, once I found out how shy he was to strangers. "Where did the guy who talked to me at the concert come from?"

"I'm not sure" he told me "but I had to know you"

We were never strangers.

Last year The Format broke up, sad, I know. But true.

And then our friend Shannon came to Charleston a few weeks ago.

Shannon was originally just Jeff's friend, but that's only because I didn't know her yet. Shannon introduced Jeff to The Format. Shannon told Jeff to get off his butt that hot night in July and stop moping over some girl and go have a good time. Shannon is a good friend, I tell you.

When she came to visit a few weeks ago she brought us our wedding present from her.

"I tried contacting the band, but I only got an e-mail back from the person who runs the website" she told us "I asked if she could get a hold of Nate and Sam (the 2 main members of the format) and have them write you guys a note, or something. She said she couldn't. But she said she had some old poster lying around that was signed by them. I aimed high and got pretty low. I hope you don't mind"

(the poster, in all of it's awesome, framed glory, signed, however generically, by Nate and Sam)

Just the act of attempting to contact the band and get something for us is going to be hard to beat by anyone. But the poster is great. We love it.

And it may not be personally signed for us...but it's more special then Shannon realized. It's the poster from the show we met at.

Dearest Joanna and Brittany,

2009-10-10T23:34:00.003-04:00

STOP REPOSTING EACH OTHERS BLOGS.

thank you for your consideration,

Sarah

edit - It's not that I'm jealous, it's that your two blogs are two of my favorites and when that little list over there ------->> bumps you guys up to the top, there by informing me that you've got a new post, but then I just end up reading your the same thing twice. Oh, and maybe I'm a little jealous.

I'd like to try this new sport...I believe it's called "Yogging" I think the J is silent...

2009-10-06T23:11:00.003-04:00

Jeff has a new website for his running team. They call themselves AKap, Awesome Kick Ass Performance Training Team.

Are you a runner? Do you wish you were a runner? Do you want to be a better runner no matter what level you're at?
Jeff would LOVE to make you a comprehensive training schedule...he's really good at perfecting a running regimen that is perfect for you, your skill level and your time commitment.

Just head on over to his website and shoot him an e-mail!

http://www.akaptrainingteam.com/

some akap members at a 5k in Charleston...Jeff (the one in the middle who isn't me ((note the one in the middle without boobs if you still need help)) won this race in 16:53, Jason (orange shorts) ran 19:28, Thomas (silver shorts) ran 27:14 and I (the one with boobs) finished the race...last...(ok, so there was like 30 people in the whole race but still, I finished and my point is, Jeff can help any person at any level, holler at him)

How to make youself look like a crazy person at Target

2009-10-05T22:28:00.002-04:00

Fill your cart with every pair of 74 cent flip flops in the store.

She bang, she bop bop

2009-10-04T20:25:00.002-04:00

Last night, Jeff, a few friends of ours, and myself joined the “100 Beer Club” at Mellow Mushroom. Once we drink 100 different beers (in whatever time we want to do it in – safety first, please!) We get our name on a plaque, an engraved glass mug and other fun stuff. What could be better than that, you ask? Well I'll tell you what!
We had a Sean Burgundy spotting!! (You remember this story here, right?)
I was ecstatic that other people got to see just how legitimately he looked like Will Ferrell with a sweet ‘stache. Jeff was impressed that he was wearing the exact same thing that he was wearing when he tried to fight us.
After that we went to a party on somebody’s roof in the middle of downtown Charleston. As much as I’d like to believe that my city is progressive and forward thinking…lets be honest. I live in Charleston. The guy who was throwing the party pointed out along the skyline of all the houses that have been standing since, and I quote, “The fight for southern independence”. While it was a beautiful view, it was sullied by his constant insistence that the south will rise again. Until, you know, the cops showed up. Apparently the Lynard Skynard was being blasted too loud. After that he stopped screaming about the south and started screeching about how this never would have happened if Obama wasn’t president. When I was done laughing my ass off at him Jeff and I tried to catch a cab to take us from one end of downtown where the party was to the other side, where our car was. However, Charleston does not have an over population of cabs and they’re nearly impossible to come by, so we decided to walk. An hour later we got back to our car but not before noticing that people are out and about doing very bizarre things in the 2 am hour. My favorite incident was, while winding through the very ritzy residential homes of down town a drunk guy checking out a gated house with a big for sale sign (probably for 3 million dollars, not kidding) hollered at us from across the street.
“Hey! Do you think this house has a pool?”
“Hell yeah!” I screamed back
“Should I go see?”
“Um…Hell yeah!”
“Ok…wait right there. Gimmie 5 minutes!”

I wish I knew where this guy woke up this morning. This is the stuff www.textsfromlastnight.com is made of.

tempting varieties

2009-09-22T14:51:00.003-04:00

Yeah, I bought these yesterday-

and yeah, I do find the fact that Bella's flavor is "creme" and it's liquidy and very white and just starts oozing out the second you bite into it a not so subtle metaphor for her love triangle. And yes, I'm not surprised that I like Jacob's peanut butter filled flavor the best because Jacob is the best.

Even though I wouldn't have eaten it, I probably would have made Bella's candy have a raspberry filling since it's the fact that shes a human with blood inside of her that's gotten her into all this trouble in the first place...not vampire semen...that doesn't get her in trouble til the 4th book...(I wont even get into why it's so retarded that having unprotected sex with a vampire doesn't turn her into a vampire, but it does get her pregnant) (um...spoiler alert.)

We're having a candy bar at our wedding and I haven't quite convinced Jeff that these candies should be included. Still working on it though...I've got two months.

Two months.

The invitations are officially in the mail.

Hows that for a transition?

18 Kids and Counting...

2009-09-18T08:29:00.002-04:00

The Duggar family believe that children are a gift from God, but if you keep on throwing parties, isn't it the polite thing to do to include "no gifts, please!" to the bottom of your invitations?

It's just kinda rude.

Things I Love Thursdays: Comedy Television

2009-09-17T17:26:00.005-04:00

In honor of the season premier of NBC Must See TV tonight (ok...so they don't call it that anymore, but they should because it's still funny tv and it's still on Thursday nights) I present you with Sit Coms I love!

5) Flight of the Conchords - New Zealand 4th most popular folk comedy duo attempt to make it in America. Their bumbling antics and catchy toons are intoxicating. Season 1 is brilliant, unfortunately season 2 doesn't bring the same level of amazingness but can you really blame them? Could you write a catch and hilarious song for each episode? Didn't think so. You were good while you lasted, Brett and Jermaine

4) Californication - Inappropriate, raunchy; David Duchovny as Hank Moody acts the way that everyone of us wants to act but doesn't because we have social constrictions that keep us from saying and fucking whatever we want...but he doesn't. And the weird part? You never, ever reach a point where you don't like him. But that has more to do with David Duchovny then Hank Moody. David Duchovny, why won't you love me?

3) The Office - As far as hilarity is concerned, this show brings it big and hard. That's what she said. Also, I root for Pam and Jim like they're my best friends, and I know I'm not the only one.

2) 30 Rock - A conversation between Tracy Jordon and his Doctor, Doctor Spaceman -

"Tracy, I don't know how to say this but you have...hmm? Di-a-beet-us?"

"What? I have Diabetes?"

"Yes, and if you're not careful, you could loose your feet."

"Could I replace them with a wheel like Rosie from the Jetsons?"

"Well, I suppose so, but then you'd have to register as a motor vehicle"

1) Arrested Development - On the Sims3 you can choose several character traits for your Sims. One of the options is "Never Nude". If you don't know what that means then you need to watch Arrested Development... NOW! I don't know how many tv shows impact other wise completely unrelated pieces of pop culture, but this is the funniest show of all time. Period.

gaydar on the fritz?

2009-09-16T21:36:00.001-04:00

"Just because he wears nice clothes doesn't mean he's on the down low"

"um, he wore a corset to second period"

-Glee

Current Wedding Conditions

2009-09-15T19:59:00.002-04:00

Frustrations - High

Chance of fun - 10%

Chance of spontaneously crying - 84%

10 day forecast - Cloudy

I might be pushing it but...

2009-09-12T15:09:00.003-04:00

Have you seen the newest New Moon trailer? I actually think this movie might be...dare I say...good.

I'm already giving one point to Summit entertainment for getting rid of Catherine Hardwick who directed Twilight. Obviously New Moon was going to be better even if a blind monkey directed it...but seriously...check out this trailer...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2QzAt8CJ5v8

I don't know why they haven't ripped it down yet, but this is what they'll be showing tomorrow night on the VMA's...so don't fret children. Watch it now and that way you won't have to worry if you're missing it while you're watching the season finale of True Blood.

And now, whether you care about the Twilight Saga or not - watch this...it seriously brings the lols.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXIk696BlVg
"FUCK! AND I'M MAD AT YOU CUZ YOU OWE ME MONEY!"

Things I Love Thursday, Jeff edition

2009-09-10T18:49:00.004-04:00

1) He likes to do the dishes.

2) When he goes out of town, he hides notes for me - in the fridge, the shower, drawers...this one was in plane sight on his side of the bed when I got home yesterday.

3) He makes up songs about whatever it is that hes doing, all the time. Essentially narrating his life in song. Which is ironic because he claims he doesn't "get" musicals. *Since I don't have a picture of him singing I opted instead for an adorable picture of him as a boy

4) He loves me and he's going to marry me in almost 2 months!

5) When he does marry me, thanks to his sweet government job, I'll get sweet government health insurance! (Eat it, private sector!)

6) He's still so freakin' adorable I can hardly stand it.

parking pass

2009-09-09T19:04:00.003-04:00

In my apartment complex we don't have reserved parking, not even specific visitor parking. I've always found this to be a good sign of a complex having ample parking for everyone to park, and this is true for us here. Of course, there are some choice spots that people want to park in to get them as close to their individual apartment as possible, but it's really not an issue.

Well, except this one spot. It's a make-shift handicap spot. Essentially the apartment complex put up a sign in the grass in front of the spot so that while a particular resident is residing in said complex, he has a designated spot. He doesn't have one of the hangy tags, but an actual handicap licence plate which seems very legit. Although I really don't know what this guys handicap is.

And this guy is very serious about his parking spot. The spot itself is often questioned in its right to be a handicap spot. There is no blue paint on the ground, nor is there a ramp to the sidewalk or extra space marked off next to it for a wheelchair or other objects that would need extra room to evacuate a vehicle. So people park there, a lot. And he puts a printed up note on their windshield wipers, and he contacts the apartment management and turns in their tag numbers and has them call the owners of the vehicles (Yeah, I'm one of the people who questioned it's validity when I first moved in). It happens about once a week, I'd say.

Here's the part that erks me though; its not that this guy is handicapped, or that he gets his own parking spot (even if his spot would be the most clutch spot for me, but whatev) or that he reports cars (they never tow, so no ones gonna get into a fight over this), what really gets me is that this guy lives on the second floor. Which means every time he leaves his apartment he walks up and down a flight of stairs, but it's a huge deal to him that he has a spot that is 10 feet closer to his apartment then the one on the other side of the street. Every time he gets pissed that someone is in his handicap spot he has to walk up his stairs, get a paper, walk down his stairs, stick it on their car, and then walk up his stairs again.

I feel like I'm missing a huge element of this equation.

College Football Flashback

2009-09-05T17:35:00.005-04:00

College game day, circa 2006, Joanna and I finishing our strongbows at 10 am on campus so we could walk across the street and get into the bar. (Obviously they wouldn't let us into the bar with our contraband).

From facebook, Joanna writes - "it's like looking into the future -- Sarah and i will no doubt be bums in our old age, drinking Strongbow out of coozies on a street corner (wearing cashmere scarves and designer sunglasses)"

Look closely in the background and you'll see a painted wall advertising that our sorority loves our parents. I wonder how they felt about us?

And, as an added bonus - heres how that day ended up 14 hours later -

GO NOLES!

Pardon the interuption

2009-09-03T19:24:00.003-04:00

but "Things I Love Thursday" will not be showing up today as the thing that I had been set on for the past week to shower with affection on my blog has currently lost it's place on my list of things I want to shower with affection and I'm afraid I'm a little to clouded to come up with something else...

...oh wait, I just came up with something else...but I think I'll wait til next week!

Choose your own adventure

2009-09-02T10:45:00.011-04:00

Dear The Public,

I was wondering if we could talk about a certain "celebrity" couple that has been infiltrating our news sources, websites and general lives and it must stop. That's right, I'm talking about (Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt/Jon & Kate Gosslin)____________. These people are so infuriating and they think we care about them. What they really, honestly can't seem to understand is that we are simply (laughing/not shocked in the slightest)______ at the train wrecks that is their lives. And we must stop them.

Take (Spencer/Jon)_____ for instance. This guy thinks that sporting (a creepy flesh colored beard/Ed Hardy Shirts to cover his gut)__________ is cool. It's not. It's (Creepy/desperate)_________. Oh, and the fact that you (push your wife's playboy issue/flaunt the fact that you have a 23 year old girlfriend)______at every opportunity that you can is also not cool. It's (desperate/creepy)______. I bet this guy was the biggest nerd in high school. And not the kind of nerd that grows up to be wealthy and interesting and surrounds himself with lots of friends and has something to offer society. No, I bet he was the kind of tool that rubbed his fingers around his pooper and then ran around making people sniff them...because he thought it was funny. This is essentially what this (douche nozzle/douche nozzle)______ is contributing to us right now, and even though we're laughing at him, he is soaking up every minute of it. We have to stop, and it's just as bad with his (wife/ex wife)_____ too.

Oh (Heidi/Kate)____, when will she realize that she is (a mouth piece/the flame that started this fire)_____ for her (obnoxious fame whore of a husband/flaming match that has been threatening to strike for years)______. Every time she does an interview attempting to defend herself from what (Anderson Cooper, Al Roaker, Joel McHale, and the rest of the world/Jon Gosslin)______ said about her she just makes it obvious that (she has no discernible talent to sustain herself otherwise/does not care about her kids as much as she claims over and over and over and over and over again)______ and that she loves the attention. Any one with half an ounce of grace would have bowed out of the spotlight and let time wash over her mess of a life. But she doesn't, she does things like appear on the cover of (Playboy/People, over and over and over and over again). At least she had some decent (plastic surgery/plastic surgery) ______ and got her self a talented (photo shop airbrusher/photo shop airbrusher)______. Remember when her reality show started? Talk about an ugly duckling. She was (like the Tori Spelling of The Hills/believable as a mother who had 8 kids under 5 and worked her ass off to get through everyday)______________. Now she (is a cyst of the ovaries of society/goes on book tours and makes frequent appearances on Larry King Live)___________________.

So what do we do? How do we stop these awful people from spreading like a rash on the underbelly of our pop culture world? Just ignore them. Because while making fun of the unbelievably ridiculous shit that they do like (quiting their reality show after one day in a dramatic, oh whoa is me type exit that included calling upon Jesus to find their way to safety/remaining on their reality show even though it's the very thread that has unraveled the entire fabric of their lives)_____________ is hilarious, it doesn't work for them. They live for attention, no matter how negative it is. So please, turn off Larry King, write Perez Hilton and tell him you want more Twilight updates and less of this shit, don't buy their magazines that they get paid millions to grace the covers on and most importantly STOP WATCHING THEIR TV SHOWS. Think of these people like little dogs that you're training. You don't want them whimpering outside of your door while you're sleeping? Well, you've tried letting them in your room but then they just whimper next to you. You've tried getting angry with them and bopping them on their nose, but then they think you're playing a game. Well try ignoring them. It'll take some time, but eventually, they'll go away.

Please society, I'm begging you. We can do this, together.

Thank you for your time,
-Sarah

2009-08-29T00:14:00.001-04:00

The number two most searched item for children ages 8 - 13 is the word "google".

I'll let you marinade in that for a minute.

Still confused? Have you tried googling it?

never stops being funny...

2009-08-27T21:46:00.000-04:00

Good Day,
I am MR.CHAO WEI, Bank of China (Hongkong),I have a business proposal of(US$18,600,000.00) for you from my bank.

Finally after that I shall provide you with more details.
if ineterested:

Regards,
Mr Chao Wei.

Things I Love Thursday, Rainy Day edition

2009-08-27T20:22:00.003-04:00

There is nothing I love more than a good rainy day. Having grown up in the lightning capital of the world I find rain as soothing and comforting as a mothers touch or an eclair. (I eat my feelings)

Qualifications for a good rainy day are as follows-

1) It must rain the majority of daylight hours

2) The majority of the rain must be heavy, drizzling all day doesn't count

3) It must be dark enough outside to need your lamps on inside

4) Thunder and lightning must be present

5) Your day should have little to no events planned for maximum enjoyment

Our House

2009-08-27T11:10:00.005-04:00

When Jeff and I moved up to Charleston we decided that a one bedroom apartment in a generic apartment complex would be the best bet. We weren't familiar with the area and weren't sure when I would have a job, so one bedroom (read - cheap) was the best bet.

I was nervous because we've always lived in bigger places. Two bedroom, two bathroom...if not two bathroom then a yard and a garage. But it has surprisingly been just fine. We set up our little apartment perfectly, taking advantage of spaces and corners - it has never felt cramped or claustrophobic. There is just one problem - the garbage. Our cramped quarters mean that the living room sits right on top of the kitchen and since out cabinets are so full of plates and pots and other miscellaneous kitchen gadgets (i love kitchen gadgets, fyi) We have no where to hide out garbage can, no inconspicuous crack or corner to slide it into. No, it sits mere inches from our couch, our couch which (along with our coffee table) doubles as our dining room set. It also sits a bunny hop from our computer desk...and it smells. All the time. Sometimes it smells like rotting food, sometimes it smells like ocean water, but most of the time its the generic, overly sweet garbage smell. It has become the bane of my existence. I hate it. And aside from taking the garbage out every 10 minutes and spraying a ridiculous amount of Oust and Febreze at the same time (and sometimes bleach) I really don't know what to do about it.

There is one other thing about my apartment. I can't keep it clean. I can't keep a tiny, one bedroom apartment clean and while currently it's just a nuisance - a minor irritation - what it really does is make me think how ridiculous it will be when we have kids and live in a house. I start thinking about it and I find myself getting mad at my non existent children for the messes they have made in our imaginary house and holy shit am I such a horrible person to want to live in a clean house? It makes me feel better but it doesn't make me feel better to clean EVERY FUCKING DAY.

ok. I just cleaned the kitchen, now on to the bedroom, then bathroom, then living room, then go to work, come home and clean the floors and then clean the kitchen again after dinner.

Aw fuck.

When in Rome...

2009-08-24T08:09:00.003-04:00

Scene: Last night at a small, 2nd story, hole in the wall hipster bar where more than one person had an ironic mustache I was bossing around a girl I barely know because it was her 21st birthday.

One such ironically clad mustache man looked just like Will Ferrel. With a mustache. Which meant he looked just like Ron Burgundy. Awesome. But he was also a hipster so it was a fair assumption that he was probably a dick. (It's in the hipster rulebook - dress and act like an ass hole)

So I sent 21st birthday over to him (After making her take many shots including a Flaming Dr. Pepper and making her drink from the tap) and told her she had to say "WILL FERREL!!! CAN I HAVE YOUR PICTURE!!" and not stop until he said yes. Why would I do that? Because maybe I'm a bit of a dick also...and man, I love a good scene. And I got me one.

So he refused and covered his face and birthday girl proceeded to essentially climb on his back and force him into a picture. Then another kid in our group screamed from across the bar "HEY MAN! IF YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE SUCH A SWEET 'STACHE, DON'T BE SELFISH! SHARE IT WITH THE WORLD!"

Before he could finish his sentence Ron Burgundy and his friend were in his face. IN IT. Screaming "WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME!!" It was so random and extreme that I couldn't figure out if they were joking or not. Jeff and I stood right in the middle of it laughing our ass off.

Ron himself looked pissed. Royally. But his friend was rubbing peoples heads and screaming "MAYBE IF YOU HAD SAID 'SEAN CAN I HAVE A PICTURE' INSTEAD OF CALLING HIM WILL FERREL HE WOULDN'T WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!" And Jeff and I laughed. and laughed. Couldn't breathe laughing. Because Sean Burgundy was still centimeters from throwing bones. And everything Will Ferrel does is funny, even if its a bar fight.

They calm down and take their seats back at the bar. So I call over 21st birthday girl and instruct her to go up to him again and say "Sean...can I buy you a beer for a picture?" (I'm always thinking about those facebook memories...we needed a picture of this guy!) He says no, covers his face and she proceeds to hike up his back again until she finally gives up.

So he gets up, points at me and beckons me over to a corner (I guess he caught on to me being the instigator) and tells me this-

"Listen - normally it wouldn't be such a big deal but right now I'm a wanted felon and I just can't risk having my picture taken. I can't tell you what I did but it wasn't anything violent"
"What did you do?" I asked
"I can't tell you, but it wasn't violent, I swear"
"Oh, ok, then I'll just go ahead and assume the worst."
"No...no....it's not like that..."
"The worst! The end!"

and then they left. We never did get that picture but damn it was one of the best things thats ever happened to me in a bar. In retrospect I probably should have told him something about getting the cops off his trail by actually making them think he's Will Ferrel but then I'm sure I'd have a black eye right now.

Things I Love Thursday being home edition

2009-08-20T16:09:00.004-04:00

Wow. Thursdays come so fast. especially when you spend 3 days in a car. Jeff and I had a very quick trip to florida this week and I am so glad to be home. Here is a quick recap - (with awesome visuals, to boot...if you consider the following to be awesome)

1. Leave Charleston Monday night when I get off work, drive 4 hours to Jacksonville, sleep for 3 hours-ish

2. Wake up early and drive to St. Pete to meet with the wedding planner and bang out as much stuff as possible. Productive but damn exhausting.

3. Drive to Tampa to sleep at parents house.

4. Wake up early and drive back to Jacksonville. Shop for Jeff's wedding band, visit with his family.

5. Leave at night and drive back to Charleston to be back by Wednesday night.

Thursday feels good to be home.

Things I Love Thursdays, Friday edition

2009-08-14T16:48:00.003-04:00

Oh...is was it Thursday yesterday already? Wowzers. That week went by fast.

1. I love that my job is so sweet and I enjoy it so much I don't count down the days until the weekend...and, um, anyways...today is totally my Tuesday...

2. Joanna contributed this one - I get to say things like "TGIF!" (but sometimes I can say that if I pronounce thursday as "fursday") and boom! brought it back to Thursdays!

3. This dreamy face comes on TV to countdown the hillarity of the week.

4. Movies come out on Firdays! And today, Bandcamp came out. So? Yeah...I know...who cares? Well I do because you can catch a New Moon sneak peak. Mmm. Jacob. So beautiful, so underage.

5. Happy Hour!!!

Maybe the greatest FailBlog of all time...

2009-08-12T13:48:00.001-04:00

see more Fail Blog

Brokeback by the Bell

2009-08-10T09:27:00.001-04:00

Something Asked

2009-08-07T16:16:00.003-04:00

Brittany, Megan and I have started a new blog called Something Asked. It's a wedding advice blog. This isn't a place to turn for etiquette or yes and no type questions, that has been done...this is place to turn with specific questions where an honest opinion would come in handy...and maybe some humor.

So if you or someone you love is in the business of getting married, send them our way! For better or for worse, we'll tell them what we think!

Thing I Love Thursday...Opening Credits eddition

2009-08-06T19:39:00.002-04:00

I'm starting a new weekly segment over here - "Things I love Thursday..."

and I'm kicking it off with TV Show Opening Credits that I love. The best show openers subscribe to the "show, don't tell" motto. They perk your ears at the first note, and suck you in for the whole show without giving anything away...but somehow filling you in on everything you need to know. (Also...I know this sucks but I either can't get these to embed or the embedding code has been removed...but definitely check out the links!)

So, without further adu-

5. Mad Men - This sequence is haunting. The music is "psycho" caliber creepy as we watch Don Draper fall, fall, fall, only to land on his cushy couch. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcRr-Fb5xQo&feature=PlayList&p=F245FB939F163CF8&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=95

4. Big Love - Gripping and beautiful, this minute and a half of credits is so chalked full of drama that if you're not sucked in I'm just not sure theres any hope for you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_tdyISAylE&feature=related

3. Weeds - Oh, the biggest problem with having an opening credit that so perfectly sums up your show is when your show changes, so must your credits...this theme has gone by the way side but it did it's job when it was needed, it did it's job well. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KiemKqQUbH8

2. True Blood- This sequence deserves to win an award. It's sexy, its dangerous, every scene is a complete contradiction to everything else. Nothing sums up the worst parts about the South better, and nothing will make you wish you were there more. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxINMuOgAu8

1. Lost - This intro is so good, I can't even find a clip of it on youtube. What? That doesn't make sense? I know, but whatever. Anyone who watches Lost will tell you, the second that screen goes black and then high pitched metal starts screeching...something amazing is happening...

Artificial

2009-08-02T18:26:00.002-04:00

I just reached for my Orbitz Bubblemint gum that I chew compulsively. I love it for its "children's tooth paste" flavor. The happy medium of yummyness for the kiddies so they'll put it in their mouths and mintyness for their parents to make an eardrum bursting, breathy scream 2 inches from your face slightly less insulting.

Imagine my surprise when I noticed the fine print under the word "Bubblemint"...artificially flavored! What! This is an unacceptable atrocity. Had I known that they weren't actually using extracts from legitimate bubblemint shrubs, but manufacturing this flavor in a laboratory, I would have never started chewing approximately 8 pieces a day*.

I'll have to check the labels on my Mint Mojito and Sangria Fresca gums, too...those might be artificial as well! It sure would help explain why I never even get a slight buzz when I chew them...

this should be a lesson to all of us. We have to read labels carefully. You think you know something...

*except for that time that Joanna was visiting me and she dared me to put all of the pieces from the 60 piece bigEpak cup in my mouth. And I dared her...so we split it....but we did. We chewed an entire cup of gum.

2009-07-30T23:05:00.002-04:00

If you have any inclination that you like to write, or that you are a writer, or that you just like to read a lot (and you do because you probably have a blog, and if nothing else you're at least reading my blog) then read Julianna Baggotts guest post at http://www.bridgetasher.blogspot.com.

Good stuff over there.

Free at last

2009-07-30T12:49:00.003-04:00

Do you remember this story - here? Where I tried to quit my job and my boss wouldn't let me.

I know. no one understands it. I don't understand it that much myself, to be honest. I had haggled her down to one day a week and started a new job on the other days and am so happy there...and so is, ahem, my bank account.

But obviously I didn't care what happened at the one day a week job because, you know, I DIDN'T WANT TO WORK THERE ANYMORE.

She crossed a line on Monday. She tried to get her daughter to make appointments at my other spa to see if I was actually having success there because I wouldn't come into her spa on Monday morning to give her daughter a facial. Seriously.

Oh yeah, that one day a week thing was on Fridays, not Mondays. But I wouldn't have come in on Friday to do it either.

So all day Monday I kept chanting a mantra in my head. When I was a wee teenager trying to figure out college life - including how to handle employment - a wise man told me
"Never underestimate the power of quitting your job."*, **

So I quit. No pushing me around this time. I wouldn't take no for an answer. And I didn't. And I sure do feel a lot better about Fridays now.

*This man was my employer

** If you're reading this right now, its also possible that this man was your husband. Especially if you're this person.

dont even try to tell me I have a case of the Mondays...

2009-07-27T12:12:00.002-04:00

My one boss is encroaching on my personal space at my other job.

My toilet is overflowing.

I have a slight hangover.

I've stepped on glass 4 times this morning.

Despite spending all weekend with Jeff I don't feel like I've seen him at all. And I miss him.

People who are staying at our house argue constantly. Every word out of the ones mouth is an invitation to criticize the other one.

I've been awake just over 2 hours.

I just may hyperventilate out of my skin today.

Joanna on New Moon

2009-07-24T12:35:00.000-04:00

how perfect is it that it comes out the weekend of your wedding
its like twilight's personal wedding gift to you

-Joanna

How to: Drink around the world. A story in pictures.

2009-07-20T22:11:00.007-04:00

Begin in Canada - try the La Batt Blue. Say "Ay" a lot. A lot, a lot.

Move on to the United Kingdom. I suggest this early on in your trip to go with a nice Strongbow, but if you're feeling adventurous, give a Guinness a go. And then shove yourself in a phone booth.

France = Grand Marnier Orange slushies, berets and pastries! Zut Alors!

While in Morocco you'll come up against a peculiar occurrence where you don't quite believe that their drink options are true to the region. I hate to say it, but you'll come across it again. I mean, I don't know - daiquiris may have originated in the northern regions of Africa but I'd put my money on it being created on a cruise ship.
While in Morocco, do try the fez hats on for size but don't be afraid to explore deep into the alleys. You may find a hidden room with a certain Arabian cartoon motif painted on the walls with a certain song playing on repeat...yes...you may find a whole new world...

To find the Sake bombs in Japan you have to travel through every store (they're connected) and go to the very back cash register. (PS, You can tell we're in Japan because of the exit sign above my head) That's racial sensitivity at its finest.

*The next day at the Magic Kingdom, Brittany and I were looking at an off beat looking Mickey Mouse Plush toy. He was just a big circle with all of his features filled in. A woman who worked in the store approached us to say "I'm pretty sure the orientals made this one. I mean, they do have those round faces"

AHH!! MOTHER LAND!! Enjoy your Bud Light. Do not even dare think about ordering a Sam Adams. What the fuck is wrong with you. Sam Adams taste like shit. Tell people that. You're at the half way point so you should be feeling tipsy enough to tell strangers that. You should also be tipsy enough to confuse a puerto rican woman dressed like a revolutionary war era american with a slave.

Please refer here: http://holdthewhippedcream.tumblr.com/post/145515262/adventures-in-disney-part-1

Italy, drink wine. Duh.

Germany = drink any alcohol, duh.

When traveling around the world you may come across some no mans land. They might call themselves the Outpost. It doesn't make any sense at all. It's a waste of space and there has got to be another country that Epcot could shove in here. But the bottom line is there is no booze. Theoretically it represents the struggles it takes to get into Communist China...

...Where they also have questionable signature cocktails. I'm just saying - while on the one hand the "Canto-loopey" and "Mango Ginger-rita" sound authentic, on the other hand they dont at all. To make up for it, become dictator of all your friends. Make them feel oppressed.

Norway! Be a viking. Rape and Pillage. You're so damn close. You are a viking. Get that one Norwegian beer they have. By this point you wont care what it taste like. Just go! Go! Go! Get to that finish line!

HOLA!! WELCOME TO MEXICO!! ENJOY YOUR MARGARITAS AND THEN ADIOS AMIGOS! YOU HAVE COMPLETED THE CHALLENGE OF DRINKING IN EVERY COUNTRY IN EPCOT!

You should look roughly like this when you're done:

And what did you do this weekend?

2009-07-20T16:55:00.001-04:00

Wedding Porn

2009-07-15T22:31:00.005-04:00

When you're getting married and planning a wedding, looking at pictures of other people's wedding is like porn.
Maybe you're a little interested in whats new out there, want to try something else out? You're just gonna go on to peruse the web for a minute, right?

3 hours later. You're still looking at ~~porn~~ wedding websites. It feels wrong. It's not even enjoyable after a while because all you can think is ~~i can't physically put my body in that position~~ my wedding will never be that magical, ~~or that position~~ or that creative and original, ~~that position would hurt me emotionally~~ or oh my god I'm doing it all wrong!!!
You want to stop. You do, but there is so much to look at. There are so many ideas that you haven't discovered yet. And your check list. Nothings getting checked off. And you're not sure if delegated things are getting done. Oh yeah, and you're planning a wedding 2 states away. And oh my god you're almost at the 4 month mark. 4 FREAKIN' MONTHS. There is no way is hell you're ready. 4 months is practically next week and would you be ready if your wedding were next week?
Hell no.

And then you stumble across really disturbing pictures like these and these and start panicking. I mean, what if your cake falls prey to the same fate? And then you start to think "who fucking cares? it's a cake?" and then you answer yourself "I care! I care!" and then you realize you're talking to yourself.

Stop looking at wedding website. All it does is portray unrealistic images of women and puts unattainable fantasies in your head. It's not real. They're just actors. They're getting paid to ~~take it up the butt~~ wear wedding dresses and curl their bodies in really stupid looking poses.

The "you" in this situation is me.

Happy Birthday Breeny!

2009-07-15T10:24:00.004-04:00

Dearest Breeny,
for this birthday post I searched far and wide for the perfect picture, but I came to a shocking conclusion that every picture of us contains some combonation of the following - us with our mouths wide open, borderline porn, way way way too drunk and incredibly nerdy. So instead of posting a classy picture, I'm posting my favorite picture.

Bonus! Find Joanna in the picture and you win a prize!

Spring Break Cruise Circa 2007 After spending all day in Mexico

In my humble opinion

2009-07-13T11:11:00.004-04:00

I read in one of my psychology books in college that women are more likely to say "I think..." or "Personally..." or other predicative phrases before stating an opinion where as men are more likely to make the opinion as fact.

As in -
"Personally, I think that apples are my favorite fruit"
or
"In my opinion, I believe that chlamydia would be a very pretty name if it didn't have such a negative connotation"

Compared to -
"Apples are my favorite fruit"
and
"Chlamydia would be a very pretty name if it didn't have such a negative connotation"

The point that my book was trying to make was that, as a society, women are less sure of them selves, less confident in stating opinion as a fact. Saying "Apples are my favorite fruit" is a fact, as long as it's true to you. But adding these phrases to the beginning puts our stance on shaky ground. It instantly softens the validity of our point by saying "you might disagree with me, but thats ok...because I'm just saying...me...personally...oh, you know what...you're right. Blueberries are superior."

Which brings me to the internet. There is a particular phrase that really grinds my gears. I read it on message boards, blogs and facebook and it goes a little something like this-

IMHO.

as in

"IMHO I honestly believe that Jon and Kate should have to go to counseling where they're forced to hug and give each other kisses just like Kate makes her kids do when they fight. Lol. Just my thoughts! =)"

In my humble opinion. Is there anything worse? Could you knock yourself down any more?
First of all - We all know it's your freakin' opinion. What else would it be? A math equation?
Second of all - I can only assume you add those 4 awful letters to soften your blow a little bit because you're afraid that the rest of the internets is gonna tear you apart.

"Dumb Biatch! Jon and Kate shouldn't go 2 counseling! They should b shot, execution style! lolz! And their kids should be divided up amongst the zoo's and fed to lions! Ur so dumb! I bet ur stupid! pwnd!"

Right...because reading that would just...oh...suck? I guess? Put you into a crippling depression tail spin? Hurt your feelings? No. It won't. Because it's just the freakin' internet and they can't hurt you and you don't take it to seriously because even with out being told...you know it's just their opinion.

Take a stand. Drop the clauses and asterisks we put before our thoughts. If you mean it enough to say it, then say it without hesitation.

The Coolest Michael Jackson Tribute Ever

2009-07-09T10:06:00.001-04:00

From www.holdthewhippedcream.tumblr.com

2009-07-07T16:38:00.004-04:00

"I wonder if decaying MJ will look anything like Thriller MJ."
-Brittany

I guess it depends if they buried him in white socks and a red leather jump suit.

Sarah's take on hand holding.

2009-07-06T20:08:00.003-04:00

I find that a lot of cynical people are offended by hand holding between couples as if it is one of the most disgusting and reprehensible forms of PDA known to man.

Earlier this summer, a friend and I were laying out at the pool at her apartment complex. We were the only people at the pool until this college-age couple showed up, got in the pool as close to us as could be and while the guy sat on the ledge (facing us) his girlfriend sat on his lap (also facing us) and began grinding. For as long as we were at the pool. Now that is offensive public displays of affection.

I love holding Jeff's hand. I grab it in ever instance that I can. And here's the kicker...it has nothing to do with anyone but Jeff and myself. I like being close to him, I like feeling his skin on mine, I genuinely love being around my soon to be husband. I mean, can you believe it? It's not a declaration to others around me that he belongs to me, or that I'm accounted for, or that we're so happy and you're so not. It has as much to do with you as the shirt I put on before I leave the house.

Holding hands is an extremely intimate interchange between two people. Parents hold their children's hands, lovers grasp, friends hold hands. But the human touch is personal, delicate. Like staring into someones eyes - you might want to turn away because it is too personal. To be touched is intense, to be touched and held onto - not knowing when you'll be let go - that requires you to let that person in.

But it's not vulgar, it doesn't make me less interesting and it still has nothing to do with you.

The mothership wants them home...

2009-07-01T08:33:00.003-04:00

Has anyone considered that ~~Farrah Fawcet~~, MJ, Ed McMahn and Billy Mays are all aliens? And their home planet called for their return? I'm no doctor but I'd say its likely.

*Not Farrah. She's no alien. And didn't die suddenly of heart failure. It doesn't fit the alien M.O.

24

2009-06-29T08:31:00.002-04:00

I, historically, hate my birthday. The past 2 years haven't been bad - as in, nothing traumatic has happened like being accused of being a terrorist before boarding a trans Atlantic flight, or having a "fuck you" party thrown in my honor, or not being invited on a family vacation in honor of my brothers birthday which is three days before mine - but after two decades of build up, the anxiety surrounding my birthday is high.

So the past two years I essentially sank into corners, hummed loudly and waited for the day to be over. If nothing happened, I reasoned, nothing bad can happen.

I've got a better take on things after this year.

Ok, so que the anxiety in the form of irritable bowl syndrome on Friday night. Couldn't sleep. Hurt. Hurt. Hurt. Holy crap I need to take a holy crap but I cant and it hurts hurts hurts. For the next two days. Until Sunday night, just an hour or so before Jeff and I are supposed to leave on my birthday trip when...oh my god...I need depends or we're not going on this trip after all.

So we leave Charleston really late on Sunday night to drive a few hours to Asheville, NC. We check into our hotel room and head on up to our room ready to pass out...we walk in and...well...thats a living room? And is that a...yep, that's a separate room where our giant bed is. This is not the room we ordered. I hope this isn't the room we paid for. I call down to the front office and the guy tells me that the room we booked was over booked and since we were so late checking in, they filled up all the standard kings and had to upgrade us! Sweet! and also Suite!! Ok, fine, it was the Holiday Inn...but it was a brand new Holiday Inn, only a few months old, so it didn't have that dirty hotel feeling and still...Suite! Balcony! Two flat screen TV's!

Monday was my birthday and we went to the Biltmore which was awesome. Marching around the largest house in America with an audio tour plugged into my ears is honestly a great time to me. Houses! The grandness! I must come back at Christmas! (my favorite holiday with an anxiety rating of -63) Oh look! There is a winery here, too! Free tastings! Lets go!!!!

So yes, keeping busy doing something fun with my man, far away from anyone else that I know was a huge help. That, and leaving my cell phone in the hotel room so I wasn't thinking about who wasn't calling me to wish me a happy birthday. (yes, of course I'm aware I bring this on myself).

No one knew it was my birthday at the Biltmore which meant I didn't expect anything from anyone except to serve me lots of free wine samples...and they did.

On ward and upward, Tuesday we went white water rafting which was a blast and then had dinner down town and more importantly had desert at this place - French broad Chocolate Lounge. Between the Biltmore and the Chocolate Lounge I have been dreaming of wine and chocolate for a week now. Good wine and good chocolate.

Downtown Asheville is charming, adorable, the food is amazing. The fuckin' hipsters are vast and its hard to tell where the hipsters end and the homeless people start - but it was a cool place to visit. I'll go back for sure...at Christmas time. I wonder if fuckin' hipsters decorate their turtle shelled glasses and scarfs with tinsel and lights. I guess I'll find out!

Came home Wednesday night and Thursday night went to my friends Lauren and Ricky's for family dinner. This is something we do every week...pot luck style dinner, usually about 6 of us, some booze, good times. Except this time they told me not to bring anything.

They shoved me in a car and took me to one of the nicest restaurants in Charleston (which is really saying something because there are A LOT of really nice restaurants in Charleston). Oak Steakhouse, and 3 story restaurant in the heart of downtown where all of the servers are wearing ties and cummerbunds and each table has two assistant waiters wearing bow ties and vests.

Oh, and when dinner was over and our plates were cleared, a piece of cheesecake covered in fresh strawberries and blueberries (my favorite) was brought to us lit with a candle and, written in chocolate across the plate, it read "Happy Birthday Sarah".

This, of course, was only a surprise to me - but then our server showed up with six glasses of pink champagne. My friend Chirstina proclaimed "wait...I don't remember saying anything about this!" and we toasted my birthday and all was grand.

I can't wait to turn 25.

Oh wait. 25 sounds like an adult. Maybe I can wait a year or so.

Engagement Photos

2009-06-17T22:43:00.005-04:00

Taken by one of Jeff's best friends/grooms man, Jason Pratt. http://www.jasondpratt.com/

You gotta give me some credit

2009-06-16T09:30:00.001-04:00

Aside from the actual content of that last blog post, you might never know I was wasted when I wrote it. My bar trick is typing well when I'm drunk.

Yeah that happened...today...

2009-06-16T01:55:00.002-04:00

Went shopping, noticed a wine shop in the middle of the town center.

"5 dollar wine tasting" joanna said "that sounds fun"

"well..." i replied "we could check it out"

2 pm happens

then 3:30 is happening

"I can't remember the last time I've been drunk on a Monday...besides last monday" says Joanna as we leave the...lets be clear, not bar, but wine shop...on a monday afternoon with a bottle of sparkling red wine.

Litterally as we're oppening the bottle Jeff walks through the door from work.

WELCOME!!

It's Paige's Okra Grill time. Paige's Okra Grill is what Cracker Barrel wishes it could be...BUT CAN'T. Obviously there were lots of fried deliciousness in leftover form. Also, you can get beer there which you can't get at Cracker Barrel*

Going out time. We go from bar to bar...we shall call it "bar hopping" meeting illustrious and interesting people every where we go from both man and woman. (WO man). I told everyone it was birthday (literally one week away, according to my book of ettiquite, not a lie. Birthday week started today.) We got lots of free drinks and had lots of free fun time.** We walked out of a bar and I said "Is it time to go home? Should we take a cab? No...Lets take one more shot at one more bar"

We walk in to a bar where we here the live musician say "This is my last song of the night" to the 6 people in the bar. Joanna and I instantly notice the song and run to him like it is our destiny

"This is a song" we sing

"for the ladies...but fellas, listen close"

we sang "Fuck Her Gently" at the top of our lungs

"Do you know The Saftey Dance? What about Forever In Blue Jeans?"

He knew them both and played them for us while we did our choreographed dance(s). We offered him a drink and he of course wanted Joanna's newest signature drink - Firefly Sweet Tea and water.

So...we go to the bar to order our new friend a drink and get a shot our two for ourselves (ITS MY BIRTHDAY, DID YOU HEAR??) and these fucking bitches start making fun of us by going

(and I quote) "like totally for sure, I just got a manicure!!" and clapping like...I guess...cheerleaders?

So first of all...make sure your black roots are done before you start mocking us. Also, you're ass holes. It's my birthday, did you hear? It's also 2 am and we are out having fun and you are out making fun of girls like its 1994. I mean really. Thats the best you have? Because we totally had enough blonde hair/black root jokes to last us until tomorrow. But, we held back and only shot out a few. Gave the bartender a nice tip and peaced out before you white trash ass holes tried to rip our hair out (spoiler alert...ours is real and wont pull out as easily as weave)

A fat black man named James drove us home, sounded like Louie Armstrong and got out of his cab to give us good night hugs (not creepy) and then this happened:

Joanna: "I have to throw up"

Me: "Ok...will you get me my phone?"

Joanna: "Fuck you. I have to throw up."

Me: "Cool. get me my phone and then make yourself at home...at my toilet. seriously. don't throw up on my couch."

Joanna: "fuck you"

shes passed out and its my birthday...DID YOU HEAR???

*I don't know this for a fact. I only go to Cracker Barrel when I am so hung over that the only thing in my belly is alcohol and the only thing I want is biscuits and gravy and fried okra and olde timey root beer and can I get this boxed up? I'm gonna have to eat this later.

**a conversation we had tonight:

Me: "Joanna...did you just tell that bouncer that your bar trick was getting in fights?"

Joanna: "The interesting this is that my bar trick is what ever I want it to be. Sometimes my bar trick is being lazy. You really never know what will happen and thats what people like. People like for you to keep them guessing."****

*** I just tried to wake Joanna up to read this to her and she said "FUCK THOSE FUCKER WITH THOSE SHEETS"

"what" I said

"You...you...the sheets...fucks....and...you know...with...fuccks...shut up and I want...shut up"

Hang Wangin'

2009-06-13T08:22:00.003-04:00

Me: Get up
Joanna: Your bed is so comfy. I'm never getting up.
Me: But we have plans
Joanna: No. I'm gonna be like the lady from Gilbert Grape
Me: So...you're gonna get really fat and I'm gonna have to burn the house down?
Joanna: It's an extended metaphor. I'm not getting up.

That's right...JOANNA IS HERE IN CHARLESTON!!

Sorry I haven't written in a week...

2009-06-09T15:44:00.001-04:00

but I've been busy. Please see the post below.

Thank you for your understanding.

Sims 2? Please step into my office. We need to talk.

2009-06-02T08:40:00.002-04:00

Yes Sims 2, thank you for being here.

As you know, you have been a great asset to my ~~company~~ ability to waste hours on end without noticing. The things you do around here have not go unnoticed. Of course it was amazing when you permitted the ability for my sims to have babies that grew into toddlers, children, teens, even young adults, adults, and then got old and died. That had been previously unheard of! Oh, The Sims 2! Your possibilities were limitless! Always coming out with a new expansion pack to give me new fashions, new music, even the ability for it to snow over in Pleasantville where previously it had always been pleasant! It seems, however, that your limitless possibilities have reached their limit. Today I will be letting you go. I will leave for work and on my home I will stop at Target to buy the newly released Sims 3, and you, sorry to say, will have to be deleted. And I will be awed and amazed by the Sims 3 and in a year or so I will see someone playing the Sims 2 and I will laugh at their inferiority to me and wonder how I ever had the slightest bit of fun playing, eh, Sims 2 when I have Sims 3! So much better! Seamless neighborhoods!! Everyone ages together! No more waiting an hour just to go to a community lot! And did I mention the personality traits? DID I?

So you understand why I must let you go. I will be happy to write you any recommendations that you might ask for, although you'll pretty much just be living in a drawer in my computer desk.

You can finish out the day.

Oh. And thank you for not crashing my computer and deleting yourself like The Sims did to me back in '02.

It doesn't have to be about Twilight for Brittany and me to be total nerds...

2009-06-01T11:36:00.004-04:00

Brittany: i used to have a crush on him when i was 15

Me: dont lie. you like boys.

Brittany: oliver wood is older than us lady

Me: yeah, but plays a child and thats who you still love

Brittany: he was older than me when he played it, he played a 6th years and if i were in hogwarts i wouldve been a 5th year

*******

Or course, this was after we spent last night and this morning discussing this -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSFMmkMfQ5Q

Robin...care to discuss?

My kind of sushi...

2009-05-25T16:35:00.002-04:00

Sushi? Kinda! Chocolate rolls, angel food cake shrimp things, cream cheese wasabi and apricot ginger...

...yummy!

I made these for girls night on Friday night. I told my friends I was making a surprise desert. One of my friends, Lauren, who has a propensity of not hiding her feelings in anyway and an equal propensity for her love of desert was pissed when I brought these out. Her face dropped and she started telling me "I hate sushi. I don't think it's funny that you think sushi is desert. Is this is a joke? You said desert!"
I took that as a compliment for how good they looked. The massive amounts of wine involved also helped the realism.

Qutting your job: a story in metaphore

2009-05-23T16:05:00.003-04:00

We need to talk.
I'm not sure I'm happy here - I'm pretty sure you feel the same way. I'm not saying I'm leaving but I think you should know that I'm not happy.
You're too sensitive. You're too naive to handle this. That's why you're backing out. I don't want you to go. And anyway...you're nothing with out me. I'm all you've got.
I'll think about it.
******
I've thought about it. I've got to get out now before we're too entrenched together. We're already getting caught up here and I know we're not right for each other. We aren't good for each other. It's best to do this now. You'll see.
I see. And I agree. I want you to stay but if you aren't getting what you need then go. Is there someone else?
No one else.
What are you going to do? Are you sure there is no one else?
I don't know what I'm gonna do, but I'll be fine - don't worry about me.
******

Now I've been doing the thinking. I want you to know that its totally fine that you're leaving but I need to say a few things - I'm hurt.
It's not like this is easy.
I'm disappointed.
Things didn't work out - it happens. I'm ending it while we're still fresh enough to get out unscathed.
I invested a lot into you.
But why? I didn't know you were doing that. I would have told you not to...you moved too fast.
You made promises to me.
We both made promises to each other.
You said I was what you wanted.
You were what I thought I wanted.
Exactly. You don't know anything. What are you going to do without me?
I know what I want now.
Is there someone else?
no.
There's someone else.
no.
Who is she?
yes. there is someone else. But thats not why I'm leaving. I'd leave even if there wasn't.
******

Go, and be with her. I think you'll be perfect together. She's desperate. I totally get why you want to go to her. She's desperate. But can you stay with me? You know...like...be with her but also...sometimes...you can be with me? I'd be ok with that. She's the desperate one so you can call the shots with her.
I, um, well...
Great. Then that's what we'll do. And when you've had enough of her you can come crawling back here to me. I'll be here. Disappointed and hurt but you'll see. You don't know anything. Great.

...To be continued...

my mom would be so proud...

2009-05-22T08:19:00.001-04:00

people like me...they really really like me...

I should probably be embarrassed but I'm not. I almost started crying I was laughing so hard when I told people about it yesterday...

easily one of the best headlines I've ever read

2009-05-13T19:45:00.001-04:00

Police: 'Lohan's House Was Just Messy, Not Ransacked'

blacked out again

2009-05-12T22:42:00.003-04:00

Driving home tonight we drive past a movie theater and I notice the movies that are playing:

Me: Isn't it weird that I Love You, Man is still playing but Duplicity isn't? They opened on the same day.
Jeff: Probably because I Love You, Man was a better movie.
Me: Yeah, I heard Duplicity was pretty forgettable.
Jeff: Sarah, we saw that movie.
Me: Well...I guess that proves my point.

Watch the f-bomb get dropped quite a lot for new good reason

2009-05-11T14:32:00.003-04:00

Can we leave ms. California the fuck alone?

seriously. She said something really stupid. I don't agree with her at all but here is the thing about our country...she's totally aloud to think what she thinks - and shes aloud to say it out loud.

Yeah, she should really stop her talk show circuit - or at least form a slightly more informed opinion about the differences between legal unions and religious marriages - but really, lets all shut up about her. So what, she posed nude, all you media outlets are looking like douche bags. It actually reminds me of what would happen in our sorority in college - one girl would do something kind of fucked up, but usually not anymore fucked up then the rest of her group - but for some reason the collective conscious of the group would suddenly decide that this person had to be kicked out, and had to pay.
It was always completely organic and always got way out of hands. See: mean, public facebook groups, getting alumni parents involved, getting the girls kicked out of the sorority, completely alienating them from their core support groups.
(I'm not even talking about one single incident is the worst part)

She got a boob job - and the state of California ratted her out? Even though the state of California paid for it? Thats like going "Annie did cocaine! I know she did! I gave it to her! What an awful person!"

In conclusion - media outlets, stop being such gigantic tools. This is not worthy of our time.
Beauty Queen - You should shut the hell up too. You're a fucking beauty queen. And you're not very smart.

Hi, I'm a PC

2009-05-07T21:40:00.002-04:00

Know that Mac/PC commercial where PC goes into the future using his time machine to see if they ever figure out the glitches and stuff?

Doesn't the fact that he has a freakin' time machine make him far superior in his technological advances than like, itunes or something? I don't know, it's worth looking over those minor glitches to me. This is the kind of impossible anomaly that makes computerized robots explode*.

I'm a PC and I make computerized robots explode.

*I can only assume, based on these ads, that John Hodgkin's and Justin Long are computerized robots.

For Vanessa Only...

2009-04-29T09:53:00.000-04:00

Privacy? I can has invite?

K, Thnxs. Bai.

2009-04-26T20:49:00.004-04:00

Pixie, my kitten, escaped my parents car today in Sylvester, GA as they were driving to Memphis to spend the summer.

I'm very sad.

But I'm doing everything in my power to find her.

I'll get back to you later about my (hopefully not useless) efforts to find a cat that is lost in another state.

In the mean time, if you could chant "I do believe in Pixie, I do, I do" and imagine her finding somewhere safe that will take her to a shelter, or a vet, and inquire about her ownership, or if nothing else, take good care of her and love her, I would really appreciate it.

Please.

I do believe in Pixie. I do. I do. I do believe in Pixie. I do. I do.

Why I'll Kill Him Reason # 58

2009-04-22T08:52:00.004-04:00

Listening to the radio in the car home last night, the DJ* told us a little story about how couples that have pet names for each other have a stronger feelings, a healthier relationship and just generally a tighter bond.

"Yes!" I said "Thats why I call you Sweetums!"

"And thats exactly why I call you Sarah."

*It was totally the John Tesh Show

PS, I hope people understand that I find Jeffs jack-assery hilarious and know he's just being funny - which is obviously why I share them here.

Can't we just talk to the humans? NO BECAUSE THEY ARE DEAD!

2009-04-18T20:38:00.002-04:00

Internet Customer Service Conversation with T-Mobile

Please wait while we connect you with a customer service representative:
You are being connected with Josh H
Sarah: What up Josh H?
Josh: Hello Sarah.
Josh: How are you doing?
Sarah: Just fine. How are you?
Josh: I am doing well, thank you for asking Sarah. Please give me one moment while I review your question.
Josh: My customer service ID number is beep beep boop boop binary code
Josh: I see that you have already verified your account.
Josh: I will now address your concern-
Sarah: So, I know you have all of this pc protocol to follow as not to offend anyone, but you sound like a robot.
Sarah: and I like that.
Sarah: I will call you Josh-o-tron
Josh: haha. I am not, but you are right that I do have to adhere to certain guidelines, Sarah.
Sarah: Like repeating my name a lot.
Sarah: So whats the deal? Why won't my phone work?
Sarah: Josh-o-tron, you are very slow. I think you need a new hard drive.
Sarah: I hope that wasn't offensive.
Josh: It appears there is an outage in your area, it could last 1-4 hours.
Sarah: I don't know robot etiquette
Sarah: That sucks! I was just walking out the door, but I don't know where I'm going.
Sarah: Thanks Josh-o-tron, you did your best.
Josh: Thank you for being a great, and patient T-Mobile customer. Have a great night!
Sarah: You too, Josh-o-tron! Stay out of the rain, you'll rust. but you probably already know that.

Google

2009-04-18T17:34:00.002-04:00

Know how Google (like many search functions) has that fun little feature where it tries to predict what you want to search for, based on what is most popular?

So sometimes I'll just start entering words or parts of letters just to see what the masses are searching for. This is one of my favorite internet past times, next to best of craigs list and fail blog.

Some of my current favorites:

48,000,100 people are currently wondering "what is twitter?"

374,000 people want to know "why is my poop green?" and a close, but different 441,000 are trying to figure out "why is my poop black?"

exactly 1,000,000 people have been robbed! Or...something close because they all are trying to figure out "Who moved my cheese?"

"How to become a vampire?" "How to become anorexic" and "How to be emo" all have at least 1,000,000 inquiries

but the one that really makes me wonder how our civilization has come as far as it has is the search for the "am i pregnant quiz"

make up the break down

2009-04-15T22:26:00.002-04:00

Tonight at the Salon/Spa where I work we had an event called "Sake, Sushi and Spring Fashion" where in a local sushi joint provided the grub, a local upscale boutique provided the clothes for our models and we (the salon) provided the free booze (and lots of it) and the party itself. It was fun.
Lots of fun.
And lots of people showed up, way more than I thought would. I mean, who goes to parties at their salon?
I guess when you're good at what you do, people will flock for free stuff.

So each stylist had their own model in which they created a dramatically different hair look for them and I was told, flippantly and with no prior proof that I knew what I was doing aside from the fact that my licence says I can, was told I would be doing each models make up.

Each.
Models.
Makeup.

I like doing my own makeup but this was a lot of pressure.
I was nervous.

I had then entire responsibility of making every one of these ladies look good.

And people...these ladies looked good.

Maybe this seems like a rather insignificant item of note but I thoroughly surprised myself with how good all of these women looked. And different. I did something entirely different on each person.

And well...I'm pleased.

Also, one of my new friends, Christina, showed up despite the fact that she was lost for an hour and by herself. I did her makeup too. I guess I don't need to tell you how she looked*.

*Less good because by the time she got there I was drunk, but still impressively good all things considered.

Facebook Stalking Has a Whole New Meaning

2009-04-14T09:10:00.002-04:00

You know those ads on the side of facebook that always seem to be related to whatever your facebook says about you?

For instance, 85% of the ads on my facebook are about "The ultimate wedding diet". But every once and a while they tell me of bands on tour that I have listed under my favorite bands or if someone writes on my wall about how much I suck, there might be an add for a vacuum cleaner for a few days.

But then I got this ad for an inhaler for people with asthma.

I don't have asthma nor have I even mentioned to people how I'm training to run and I got really wheezy the other day.

So imagine my shock the day I got the ad for the inhaler because it was the day I bought an inhaler with my credit card.

Am I being paranoid here? Or is facebook reeaalllyy stalking me?

It's Miley!!

2009-04-08T18:09:00.003-04:00

Miley Cyrus has an autobiography.

Called Miles to Go.

I didn't even pick it up but I imagine it reads something like this

"Ya'll, one time, my dad had this song called achey brackey heart and like, ya'll that was significant to my life. And then my dad played my dad on tv when I was hannah montana and well basically I'm cashing in on every fleeting moment possible because I'm only 15 and I saw what happened to Britney, ya know? Or like, Drew Barrymoore? She totally made a comback and she totally wrote an autobiography at 13 so like...thanks for buying my book, Ya'll. My boyfriend is in his 20s."

(It's still a felony!)

Also...what is a blue raspberry?
I bought a bag of jelly beans that has a picture of every fruit its trying to represent in the flavor department but for the blue raspberry flavor it just has a picture of blue jelly beans.

fruit flavor fail.

Things I know for sure

2009-04-08T14:38:00.002-04:00

My college experience was amazing - far surpassing what most people wish their college experience was like.
I have some of the best friends ever, even the ones that I haven't seen in a few years - we all fit back together like a puzzle.
Once past the age of 21, Tallahassee is best when consumed in moderation...

Can someone unzip my pants for me?

2009-04-02T19:49:00.001-04:00

I went to the store after work tonight to pick up a bottle of wine when I realized that I, for the first time in my life, live in a state that sells 40's.

tremendous.

Memories of Spring Breaks Past

2009-04-01T15:13:00.002-04:00

Scene: Wake up in the morning after a long, very drunk day in Mexico.

Convene for breakfast in the restaurant of the cruise ship that you are on with 14 of your sorority sisters.

Listen to Joanna tell this story:

"Wow, I remember getting back on the cruise ship yesterday and rolling down the grand entrance stairs...but I can't remember who I was with. Was it any of you guys?"

"Not me" we all confidently agreed.

"Well, all I can remember is that someone took a picture...damn it...who took that picture??!! Sarah, was it you??"

"No. I was not with you when you rolled down the grand stair case, that's ridiculous...I would have remembered that!"

"I thought it was Sarah...but..."

and so it went all day long...who took that picture of Joanna? Did she just imagine someone took that picture of her?

And then that night my bunk mate Katy picked up my camera and started looking through it.

"Um, Sarah...has anyone else taken had your camera on the cruise?"

"Nope"

"Then please explain this picture-"

click!

Ok...I'm as equally as excited for the rest of this coming weekend as I am about the wonder kids.

the wonder kids.

2009-03-31T22:16:00.003-04:00

Their names were Princess Consuela Banana Hammock, PoopSmith and PopTart.

I can't explain them except to say that they are the bench mark that my kids entire lives will be held to.

The oldest, Princess Consuela Banana Hammock, could possibly be my roll model. At nine she felt isolated from kids her age because they were boring and childish. This girls idea of a good time was Jumping on the bed to Outkast and making up plays in the living room...not ooohhhing and aaahhhing over Zach and Cody or whoever the flavor of the month was back then. She was a kid...but with a biting wit and bitter intelligence that half of my friends couldn't understand.
At age 11 she told her mom that her two closest friends were her two 21 year old babysitters. This made me beam for days and shattered my heart at the same time.
Only this girl could make me be excited that an 11 year old liked me. Really liked me.

The first time they met Jeff, the boys (poopsmith and poptart) took one look at him and named him Gertrude and from then on used him as their personal, portable jungle gym.

And also, one time, the third born - six at the time, beat me at a 3 week straight game of Simpsons Monopoly.
if you need me to extract everything cool about that sentence, I will. Six year old. 3 week long game. Simpsons. Beat me.*

I read their mothers novels while laying across her couch.

Later on in life I will jaunt down extensive notes titled "W.W.J.D.?" when in crisis as a parent. The J here is for Julianna - as in, this Julianna.

She also writes this blog - http://bridgetasher.com/blog.html

she wrote one entry in which she refers to a baby sitter who is obviously neither me or Joanna and my heart broke inside a little.

This weekend however, in between the excitement that is Alpha Chi Omega's 80th anniversary on campus - seeing all of my old sisters and reuniting with the town that turned me from a child into an adult, Joanna and I get to spend time with the wonder kids. And that's what I'm most excited about.

*because of this fateful June, I now hate monopoly. and no, I didn't let him win. He destroyed me.

Thats what she said

2009-03-27T17:28:00.004-04:00

First week in Charleston went great.

I got a job.

Jeff and I kicked ass in a trivia game at a local bar.

and, most notably, we made friends with people on craigs list.

true story.

they're coming to trivia with us next week.

We knew it was true love because within 2 minutes of meeting each other, Jeff made a really inside Office joke and they got it.

match made ~~in heaven~~ on craigs list.

It's like first grade. I want my shiny new toy.

2009-03-20T22:28:00.002-04:00

When I went to walmart a few days ago to buy some odds and ends for the new place (Read, mommy was in town and wanted to stock our kitchen with food before she left) I saw a sign saying that Walmart would be releasing Twilight on DVD at midnight of the 21st instead of...ya know, like 9 am.

Y'all - (I live in South Carolina now, I can say y'all) I had every intention of being there at midnight tonight and Jeff had even promised to go with me. I was going to be there despite the fact that I imagined in my head maybe 4 or 5 other people standing around waiting for it - kinda like the time I spent the night at my friend Casey's house when I was 15 so she could wake up and drive me to the mall at 9am on the dot so I could buy the new blink182 cd because I was certain I wouldn't get a copy even if I got there as soon as the music store opened...only to find out that - no - not every one wanted a copy.
no one did.

And seriously, on a scale of really shitty things, Take Off Your Pants and Jacket is Oscar worthy compared to this stupid movie that I saw 5 times in the theaters already.

But I rrreeeaaalllyyy want it.

NNNOOOWWW.

But then, I got a job. (yay!) and I'm really tired, and have to work tomorrow, and ditto Jeff.

So I decided I'll get it later.

But I rrreeeaaaalllllyyy want it.
NNNOOOOWWW.
aaannnndddd I think it's a legitimate concern that this thing will sell out tonight.

Borders is have a midnight thingy too...but...but...

thats all I've got.

...Jo???
um...Joanna...ahem...um...I was wondering...ya know if...remember how you were gonna send me a copy because you have a cool job and had a few copies of twilight a few days ago and then I told you I would rather buy it myself then wait for it in the mail...um...

I love you jo.

Probably karma

2009-03-19T09:30:00.001-04:00

I've never lived on the first floor of an apartment so either the person who lives above us is ripping out her floors and installing new closets and getting a brand new washer and dryer up three flights of stairs or I hate my life.

Dear Brittany,

2009-03-17T19:56:00.003-04:00

Quit your bitchin.

Love,

Sarah and all of her gold plated glory

Eat Your Heart Out, South Carolina!

2009-03-17T14:59:00.003-04:00

To be honest, I don't know what that means, but we're here!

We haven't much left the confines of our apartment in two days, but having a living space that doesn't make you go into a claustrophobic conniptions is number one on our priority.

Number two is getting me a job.

Number one and a half, however, is finding a good Irish pub to get some st. patties day beverages!

Does Not Play Well With Others

2009-03-13T10:09:00.002-04:00

My pinky finger won't join the rest of his finger brethren and instead has chosen to stay as far away from them as possible. It's weird - if I consciously force the pinky back together then as soon as I look away he has outstretched himself again like I'm enjoying some damn delicious cup of fancy tea.
I probably wouldn't have even noticed if it weren't for the slight strained ache I feel when it is either far away or too close. What is going on?

I hope I'm not evolving out of my pinky because...for obvious reason*, that doesn't make and sense at all.

*enjoying damn delicious cups of fancy tea

Dear Liver, I'm sorry.

2009-03-10T17:14:00.004-04:00

Portrait of an engagement party:

Portraits of the bar after the engagement party:

Don't stop believing.

Exploring the darker side of Tweets and Twitter

2009-03-09T17:02:00.001-04:00

Please listen to this awesome three minute radio story about Twitter

that will be all.

James Monroe Howell

2009-03-03T11:31:00.004-05:00

Last month, my Papa, who played guitar every Saturday night in a band, who kept a beautiful garden around his koi pond in his back yard, who went on cruises and dates with younger women (she's in her 60's? you dog!) wasn't feeling well and drove himself to the hospital a few towns away.

He was told that night that he wasn't aloud to leave the hospital until he was placed in hospice care and he had 3 to 6 months to live.

He didn't care.

Living like a vegetable, doped up on morphine, not being able to get out of bed to use the bathroom - he told me several times in his mumbly incoherence that he wished he never gotten in his car that day last month.

Last night he died.

I'll miss you, but I sure am glad knowing that you're not suffering anymore.

Although, I'm pretty disappointed you didn't make good on your deal.

Getting a life, here I'll show you how

2009-03-02T10:24:00.002-05:00

So the other night Jeff and I went to Starbucks to hang out like the yuppies that we are*.

It was packed and not many seating options to choose from so I picked a little 2 seater thing in the back corner. My back was facing the wall which meant I was looking out amongst the crowd like I was Queen 'Bucks and these were all of my coffee constituency. The table sitting directly in front of me was three older ladies - mid 50's probably - gabbing away like friends do. Totally done up to the T's and kind of evil looking. So one of the ladies, the leader I gathered, was sitting facing me, and, as will happen when in a small, loud, crowded building, our eyes met a few times while we were both engaged in conversation with out parties. (i.e. - Jeff for me, Cruella Devil and Ursela for her). This didn't strike me in any fashion because peoples eyes meet when they are scoping rooms, but then with huge arm gestures, Cinderella's Evil Step Mother started pointing at me and saying "No really! She is talking about us talking about her. Right. Now. She just caught me. But she was totally talking about us, and now she is talking about us talking about her!" And like clock work, Ursula craned her neck around and eagerly agreed with E.S.M.

"Oh my god! You're right! She is totally talking about us!" and then proceeded to whip her neck around 3 or 4 more times.

Now, unless they own moving van companies, are currently living with Jeff's parents for the next few weeks, or have some kind of insight on the casting of New Moon (Jeff hates me), I'm certain we wern't talking about them in the least bit.

And of course I didn't say anything to Jeff until after they got up to leave because I certainly didn't want to actually give them the satisfaction of hearing me talk about them, but thats what they did until they left - talk about me talking about them...which...you know...wasn't actually happening.

I sure am glad that my insecurities aren't half that degree and I'm only half their age.

and prettier.

now I'm talking about you, bitches.

*Read, we are flat broke and Jeff got a major Starbucks gift card for his birthday so we can go get out of the house and not spend a dime.

Dear people who read my blog,

2009-02-28T09:30:00.002-05:00

If you want me to update my blog more frequently...then comment on my blog so I get the slightest feeling that more than two people are reading it. That might make me feel a little more obliged.

Thanks,
Sarah

t.g.i.w.

2009-02-25T12:27:00.000-05:00

Lost is my constant.

Finally some visuals to go with my awesome guitar hero skills

2009-02-23T19:57:00.005-05:00

Thanks to Sweetney...and also apparently Best Week Ever...for this fantastic game. I couldn't resist making just one, so enjoy my album covers!
Heres how it works:
1) Go to “Wikipedia.” Hit “random” and the first article you get is the name of your band.
2) Then go to “Random Quotations” and the last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.
3) Then, go to Flickr and click on “Explore the Last Seven Days” and the third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.
4)Use Photoshop or some other image editor to add text & spiffify. Post a link to your band's album cover here!
Am I jealous that the best editing system I have is Paint?
yes.
does it show?
absolutley.
are these awesome anyway?
duh.

1) Freewheeler; irritating details

2) Benton, Wisconson; a hidden truth

3) Tata Technologies; Frankenstein logic

4)Sampson's Naiad; The Necessary May Speak

5)Norwegian First Division; you haven't wasted an entire day

6)Jonas Byland; that was how it started

I'd like to thank the Academy

2009-02-23T12:53:00.002-05:00

Seriously, great job last night. Particularly Hugh Jackman's opening number with elementary school style props and the Pineapple Express bit.

One question, though, why did it take High School Musical 3 to come out for you to claim that the Musical is back and not when Chicago swept the Oscars six years ago including taking the award for best picture. I would think that that would be the bigger indication that the musical was back. But I guess thats just me. And all that jazz.

A rant in which I complain about an injustice that is currently hindering me in smooth sailing...or...why I will be on welfair before easter

2009-02-21T18:46:00.004-05:00

Do you ever feel like you're in a situation where all the decks are stacked against you?

Have you ever had to get a self-service rental truck to move to another state?

Every single company, U-Haul, Ryder, Budget, etc, have taken to the "very minor hours" policy. Specifically, the "Half day on Saturday, closed Sunday" policy.

Lets ask ourselves a question - when do people...in general...move?

The answer, people, is the weekend. So lets say I'm moving to, oh, I don't know...Charleston, South Carolina and want to get a rental truck Saturday morning in St. Augustine, FL...no matter how quickly it takes me to move...I have to pay for that truck for 3 days because they wont be open Saturday night when I get up there, they won't be open Sunday and then they will charge me for Monday because...you know...thats when I'll be returning it.

Now lets say that I'm able to get a truck on a Friday morning and then drive it to another state 5 hours away...and want to return it that night in said 5 hour away destination...well guess what? These rental companies decide how long it should safely take you to drive a truck from the pick up location to the return destination and they've let us know that the correct ammount of time it should take you to drive from North Florida to Southern South Carolina is three days. So, they totally let you return it whenever you want to, but they charge you a minimum of three days no matter what.

People...we drove to South Carolina on Thursday, found a place to live and was back by Friday evening.

Scammers! and there is nothing to do about it!!

Anyone want to contribute to the "Help Jeff and Sarah Hire Movers" fund?