Monday, August 24, 2009

When in Rome...

Scene: Last night at a small, 2nd story, hole in the wall hipster bar where more than one person had an ironic mustache I was bossing around a girl I barely know because it was her 21st birthday.

One such ironically clad mustache man looked just like Will Ferrel. With a mustache. Which meant he looked just like Ron Burgundy. Awesome. But he was also a hipster so it was a fair assumption that he was probably a dick. (It's in the hipster rulebook - dress and act like an ass hole)

So I sent 21st birthday over to him (After making her take many shots including a Flaming Dr. Pepper and making her drink from the tap) and told her she had to say "WILL FERREL!!! CAN I HAVE YOUR PICTURE!!" and not stop until he said yes. Why would I do that? Because maybe I'm a bit of a dick also...and man, I love a good scene. And I got me one.

So he refused and covered his face and birthday girl proceeded to essentially climb on his back and force him into a picture. Then another kid in our group screamed from across the bar "HEY MAN! IF YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE SUCH A SWEET 'STACHE, DON'T BE SELFISH! SHARE IT WITH THE WORLD!"

Before he could finish his sentence Ron Burgundy and his friend were in his face. IN IT. Screaming "WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME!!" It was so random and extreme that I couldn't figure out if they were joking or not. Jeff and I stood right in the middle of it laughing our ass off.

Ron himself looked pissed. Royally. But his friend was rubbing peoples heads and screaming "MAYBE IF YOU HAD SAID 'SEAN CAN I HAVE A PICTURE' INSTEAD OF CALLING HIM WILL FERREL HE WOULDN'T WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!" And Jeff and I laughed. and laughed. Couldn't breathe laughing. Because Sean Burgundy was still centimeters from throwing bones. And everything Will Ferrel does is funny, even if its a bar fight.

They calm down and take their seats back at the bar. So I call over 21st birthday girl and instruct her to go up to him again and say "Sean...can I buy you a beer for a picture?" (I'm always thinking about those facebook memories...we needed a picture of this guy!) He says no, covers his face and she proceeds to hike up his back again until she finally gives up.

So he gets up, points at me and beckons me over to a corner (I guess he caught on to me being the instigator) and tells me this-

"Listen - normally it wouldn't be such a big deal but right now I'm a wanted felon and I just can't risk having my picture taken. I can't tell you what I did but it wasn't anything violent"
"What did you do?" I asked
"I can't tell you, but it wasn't violent, I swear"
"Oh, ok, then I'll just go ahead and assume the worst."
"'s not like that..."
"The worst! The end!"

and then they left. We never did get that picture but damn it was one of the best things thats ever happened to me in a bar. In retrospect I probably should have told him something about getting the cops off his trail by actually making them think he's Will Ferrel but then I'm sure I'd have a black eye right now.


Bridget Asher said...

see. this is so good. so really really good. you're a writer. do you want to be a writer? i mean, the whole shootin' match -- book etc ... talk.

readsalot said...

That was awesome. I, too, am an asshole which is probably why I love this story.

If you look like Ron Burgandy, your picture WILL be taken at some point.